Alucard vs Life
by Alex McM
Summary: Alucard is back and this time he is against more than just Twilight...No this time he is against life itself! From social welfare to first jobs, crying children, public transport, false vampires and everything in-between Alucard will conquer them all!
1. Catalyst

_**Alucard vs Life**_

Well I hope you're ready for another criminally insane journey as Alucard takes on not just Twilight but just about everything in life that we all hate. This chapter is merely an introduction, the real fun begins in the next chapter but I hope you enjoy this first little morsel. Please review. 

**Catalyst**

Alucard sat perched upon his throne (It was actually an office chair but its fun to pretend) and sipped what appeared to be red wine, but this liquor was different. It did not come from a vine, but rather a human. It was blood, fresh blood.

Alucard was renowned as the 'No Life King', a truly terrifying creature of the night; A vampire. He was proud of his infamy. It was well deserved as well. He had spent many long years drenched in blood sowing the seeds of destruction throughout the world. It was quite ironic that the one keeping the world safe was in actual fact the most dangerous beast to ever prowl the Earth.

Alucard spent his spare time (Those not taken up by prior engagements such as missions or 'Enthusiastic walks') in his specialised quarters. The windows were tinted so only minimal sunlight fanned through. He was not allergic to the sun; it just seemed cool at the time. The floor was covered by a thick red rug which swallowed people's feet as they walked over. A dark timber desk sat before one of the great windows and behind that desk the great vampire sat on his fancy office chair/imaginary throne.

The blood tasted good, the chair was comfy and the weather was marvellous. Life was good.

But then the phone rang. It screamed at him like a nagging housewife, not letting up until either he answered the phone of struck it hard enough to keep it quiet. (Say no to violence against women. Okay? Seriously.)

Alucard snatch up the handset in one pale bony hand. "Yes?" He asked in this trademark brooding baritone.

"Alucard, it's me Integra. I need you to come down to my office. I have something important to tell you."

"Well if it's so important why don't you tell me right now?" Alucard asked, for even the scariest vampire on Earth had the ability to be a smart-ass.

"I am in no mood for games Alucard! Get down to my office now!" Lady Integra hung up.

The demon in a red trench coat rose from his desk and headed off down to the office, not wanting to make her wait. Integra Hellsing was not the kindest to those who get on her bad side.

The doors to her office were wide open and Alucard just stepped inside, not bothering to announce his arrival, but then again, no-one could be mistaken for Alucard so after one look they would know it was him. He pressed on towards the large desk where Integra was sitting, smoking a fine cigar. She looked calm, yet undeniably angry.

"You called for me." Alucard stated blankly.

"Yes." Integra nodded and slid off the edge of the table. She walked around the side, tracing her finger along its length. When she had circled back around to her seat she sank into it and spun around to face the window rather than him.

Alucard stared at the back of the chair for a moment before frowning. "Well?"

He could hear an odd noise coming from the leader, as if she were choking. He was unsure whether to help her or not.

"Alucard...How long have we known each other?"

"Many years now. We met when your uncle was trying to kill you. That was back when you were just a little girl." Alucard rubbed his chin thoughtfully. "Why do you ask?"

"That time ends here unfortunately." Integra sounded like she had a knife lodged in her chest.

"What do you mean, my lady?"

Integra sighed heavily. Alucard noticed a thick plume of smoke rising above the chair. "Hellsing is going out of business. We are being shut down."

Alucard's face remained the same. "Huh?"

"Our actions were deemed unlawful and the Queen had ordered us shut down our business. After so many years of fighting we have been defeated by the very Queen who requested our voice in the first place."

"This is a dark day then." Alucard mused. "Is there anything we can do?"

Integra spun around to face him. Her eyes were glistening with tears. "No. The Hellsing Organisation has died here today. I'm sorry Alucard, but your contract with me ends now. We are no longer master and servant."

"Are you saying...I have lost my job?"

"We all have, Alucard. There is nothing we can do. I am sorry. I wish you good luck in finding your next job."

"Surely this does not mean...No more...Enthusiastic walks?"

Integra nodded sombrely. "I'm afraid so."

Alucard lowered his head. He let out a great roar of utter rage and drew his oversized handgun from within his trench-coat.

"No firing indoors!" Integra snapped. Alucard put the gun away and frowned. "I'm sorry Alucard but you can no longer go around destroying things and killing people."

Alucard tried the puppy eyes technique, but puppy eyes with Alucard are still scary enough to make someone void their bowels. It didn't work.

"Alucard, as a reward for your faithful service all these years...I want to give you something." Integra reached into a drawer and fished out a thick envelope. Alucard stared at it, confused. "There is ten million dollars in there Alucard. It will buy you a new home and also should be sufficient enough to bribe the local hospital and blood bank. I wish you luck Alucard. Goodbye."

The heartless vampire almost felt guilty as he took the money. He headed for the door but stopped just as he reached it. "Miss Integra," He craned his neck to glance at her over his shoulder. "I'm sure you will rise once again. Hellsing is not yet defeated. When the time comes and our proud Organisation is returned...I will be waiting for your call." With that he strolled out the door and into a terrifying new world...


	2. Finding a Home

Now the fun really begins! Be forewarned absolutely nothing and absolutely no-one is safe from Alucards wrath. There will be abominable violence, political incorrectness and other fun stuff throughout, but then why would you be here right now if you didn't like those things? Anyway enjoy!

**Enemy 1: Finding a Home**

Alucard wandered down a calm street, studying the houses. A question arose in the back of his mind as he stopped before a lovely home near the end of the street.

_Why do I need money for a house? None of these have price tags..._

Alucard approached the house and knocked on the door. He waited ten minutes before deciding it was empty and therefore 'up for sale'. After carefully smashing the side window into a million tiny pieces he climbed inside.

"This is perfect...And it didn't cost me anything." A wicked grin crossed his face. Buying a house was easy! Complicated rental market my ass!

The house was two storeys but still rather small and comfy. The windows were large and would have let in a lot of sunlight but thankfully large billowing curtains blocked it out. The house was well furnished and the fridge and cupboards were all stocked full of food. There was one problem though...

"Why are there family photos here?" Alucard picked up a wedding photo of two strangers. He thought about it for a moment and then smiled. "Oh, they are just display photos." The wise vampire removed the back of the frame and threw the wedding photo aside, sliding in one of him as a decomposing corpse. "Ah, my twenty-first birthday...So fun."

When the memories subsided Alucard moved down the rows of photographs, replacing the stock images with his own. There were some with him holding severed heads, some with him standing over corpses, some of him merely rotting in a cell in the Hellsing Organisation's dungeons and then some of him with Lady Integra and Seras.

_Ah, the police girl. I wonder where she is now...How I always wanted to mould her into the greatest monster to ever exist...And she wasn't that bad to look at..._

"Harry! We're home!"

"Daddy! Daddy!"

"Dad!"

A sickening chorus of unwanted sounds drifted in from the front room. Alucard froze. "Oh shit!" He whispered harshly. "There are other buyers!" A hundred points there. "Well, I was here first! This house is mine!"

As Alucard had learned, every situation in life could be solved through bloodshed. He grabbed his trusted Jackal and headed out to greet the other potential buyers. He discovered a middle aged woman and two children getting settled in as if they owned the place. How absurd!

"What are you people doing here?" Alucard snarled.

They all screamed in response. "Who are you?"

"Where is daddy?"

Alucard rolled his eyes. "This is my home. Get out or I will have to 'persuade' you to leave." his voice dripped with menace.

The woman took something out of her pocket and aimed it at his face. She sprayed a full can of mace into Alucard's eyes and the vampire merely laughed.

"An exotic scent. Very well, if you wish to fight for this place then I shall fight!" Alucard's skin split apart and black tendrils of shadow erupted forth until it covered his figure. Demonic eyes opened all over his body and fanged jaws sprouted from all over.

The enemy did not last. She vanished within the cavernous jaws and was never seen again. The children screamed and tried to run but Alucard's familiars were hungry now and no opponent was too small.

When the battle was over Alucard took their place, settling in. He tried to sit on the couch but there was something just not right about it. He sat on the coffee table only to receive the same problem. Next he went upstairs. He checked each room but found nothing, until he came to the last door at the end of the hall. He kicked the door in and discovered a study. Sitting in the far corner of the room was a gift from the gods...

Alucard chuckled monstrously and fiddled with his hands. "Aha...It even has a throne! This is truly my new home."

For several hours Alucard sat on his throne, now relocated to the living room a while until his stomach rumbled and he realised it was time for dinner. Usually someone else would cook for him, but now he was alone...

"Hmm, what am I supposed to have for dinner?"

A knock came at the door. "Honey, I'm home! I had to work late, sorry."

Alucard grinned devilishly. "Home delivered meals as well? How wonderful."


	3. Interrupted Sleep

**Enemy 2: Interrupted Sleep**

After a fine evening of dining on fresh red meat and blood Alucard retired to a coffin which was just there (Why you ask? Because it can!) Although he could stay awake during the night and in fact it was usually better to do so, fending off those trying to usurp his new home had been more exhausting than he had expected. A good night's sleep would do him good anyway.

Unfortunately, others had a completely different idea.

'Knock, knock.'

Alucard tried to ignore the unusually thunderous explosion of a fist against his front door. He squeezed his eyes shut and rolled on his side.

'Knock knock.'

Alucard's lower lip quivered and a vile curse was brimming on the edge of his tongue but still he retained his composure and kept his eyes closed. If he ignored them then surely they would go away and he would be able to rest. After all, it was so early in the morning...

'Knock, knock, knock'

The incessant thumping was becoming quite irritating now. Alucard's eyes fluttered open lazily and he saw nothing but the velvet lining of his coffin. He stared into it for a moment hoping the visitors would leave without him having to get up. Instead, the knocking came even louder, and twice as fast. The noise was agonising. Alucard could take it no longer.

With a deep rattling curse he burst forth from his coffin and hurriedly fixed his tie and adjusted his trench-coat, both of which he had worn in his sleep, not just because of the convenience of never having to get dressed each day, but also because he had a mild phobia of seeing his own pallid, lifeless body naked (And you would too if you were a walking corpse who had been officially pronounced dead a few hundred years ago.)

The stranger continued to assault the door, pummelling it like a championship boxer. Alucard shuffled over and wrenched the door open so hard it almost came off its hinges. The great vampire glared down at a lanky young man in a crisp white shirt and formal long pants. He looked like a salesman.

"Hello," He sang in an awkward tone which sounded like a stalker from a horror movie. "My name is Michael, from the Church of Latter-day Saints. Would you like me to tell you the story of Jesus Christ?"

Alucard's face remained stock still, like a statue. "What?"

"Would you like me to tell you about Jesus Christ?" The man repeated, stressing the word 'Jesus' and accenting the vowels to make it seem like there were four 'e's' in it. Alucard rolled his eyes and frowned.

"No."

Michael smiled as if he had just watched a puppy playing with a kitten. "Oh well! Jesus loves everyone, regardless of whether they feel the same." He took a pause for no apparent reason, maybe for dramatic effect but really it was quite odd. "You see, in the beginning light was seperated by darkness by a big wall-"

"Leave now or be destroyed." Alucard snarled, reaching for his oversized pistols.

Michael kept talking; in fact chances were he never even heard Alucard because he was too engrossed with his 'story' which managed to contain many anti-Semitic, homophobic and essentially racist comments. Even for a vampire whose only interaction with humans was to feed was feeling unnerved by Michael's words. It was almost scary.

"-And in that village one man decided to defy the protests of everyone in the village and grew his beard long and luscious. Do you know who this man was?" Michael seemed to pause as if awaiting an answer but as soon as Alucard opened his mouth he cut him off and answered for him, shouting out like a fool and spreading his arms out wide. "His name was Jeeesus!"

The No-Life-King grew impatient and drew his immense handguns. "Prepare to be destroyed."

Michael still appeared unfazed, rambling on about the second coming of 'Jeeesus' and some sort of 'miraculous' event which sounded an awful lot like the holocaust. Enough was enough. Alucard had to deal with this most unusual opponent.

It was time to do what he would always do in times of trouble...

Shoot stuff until it no longer looks human!

Rest assured the gunshots woke the entire street up but by the time people raced out onto their lawns there was merely a foul-smelling pile of human compost in Alucard's front yard. Rather than clean up Alucard left the gooey mess to soak into the soil and feed the plants.

For the next few hours Alucard researched Mormon beliefs on Wikipedia to see if what Michael preached was actually what they believed. Sure enough, he found out that-

TEXT MISSING

-And that's why Alucard bought a puppy. Wait a minute, what the hell just happened? How dare you censor me you-

TEXT MISSING

-And they all lived happily ever after. Except for Michael who had become worm food...And Alucard's puppy which had disappeared inside it's owner's stomach.

No offense intended to any mormons who are reading this, or dog people. Anyway I hope you enjoyed this grim little morsel of vampiric mayhem. Please review and dont be shy about sending in suggestions for Enemies. There will be LOTS of enemies and I need your help coming up with them. Enemies don't have to be actual people they can also be situations that are bloody annoying! Any help would be appreciated, thanks for reading!


	4. Roommates

**Enemy 3: Room-mates**

Alucard had that sleep in he was hoping to have yesterday and didn't wake up until around mid-day. He awoke to the blissful scent of decomposed Mormon fermenting on the lawn and he couldn't help but take in a great big inhale. He stumbled downstairs and raided the fridge. There was still an arm and a leg left from the first night. He took out the arm and started gnawing away at the stumpy mess around the elbow. He ground his teeth against the bone and played with it as if he were a dog, even making growling and barking sounds as he did so.

He was so absorbed in the abominable yet strangely cute act that he didn't hear the doorbell ring. In fact he didn't even know he had a doorbell! If he did then why was that irritating Mormon bashing the door like an Iranian man beats his wife (Boy that was rough...Strap yourselves in!)

Alucard was on the verge of scratching his ear with his foot when he heard yelling outside. He instinctively went into 'battle mode' and slid up against the doorframe. He cocked his gun and pushed the door open. He would have fired on sight if he hadn't recognised the big blue eyes and short blonde hair.

"Master?"

"Phorish Goorl?" Alucard's voice was muffled.

Seras stared horrified at Alucard's face and soon enough she was pointing at it with a slender finger. "Is that...A...A...An arm?"

Alucard spat the severed limb on the ground and chuckled. "Sorry, you caught me during breakfast...Uh...What do you want?"

"I...I came to see how you were doing..." Seras sniffed the air. "Do you have a dog or something?"

Alucard remembered the ill-fated puppy from yesterday and shook his head. "No. Why?"

"It smells like dog crap...Really bad..." She pinched her nose and turned away, most likely to hide the fact she was turning green.

Alucard laughed. "Oh, no. You're mistaken! That smell is Mormon meat! How silly of you police girl."

Seras tried to turn away but that only allowed her to stare at the festering, maggot-infested pile of goo that had once been a religious official. She pushed past her master and burst into the house. She bolted through, searching frantically for something.

Alucard watched on, confused. "Um...I don't have any Mormon to eat, sorry. But I have a middle aged man in the fridge if you're hungry."

Seras merely screamed and ran faster, eventually running into the bathroom. Alucard couldn't tell what she was doing in there but she was roaring like a demon from the depths of hell. The clueless vampire waited patiently as the sickening noise went on for quite some time. It was almost ten minutes before the toilet flushed and a pale, exhausted police girl staggered out, collapsing on the floor.

"Well..." Alucard muttered. "I guess you _don't _want that leg in the fridge then?"

Seras' face went a horrible shade of greenish blue. A colour you wouldn't have even imagined, so terribly ill that just looking at her would have made you feel nauseous...Unless you were Alucard, who merely observed with morbid curiosity. Seras tried to stand up but her arms went slack and she fell back down and threw up on the floor. She only just managed to roll away from it before her head smacked hard against the floor. "I'm so sorry..." She moaned pitifully. "I'll clean it up for you..."

Before Alucard could refuse (Not that he would, but if he had wanted to) Seras began cleaning the floor. Taking out a rag and a bucket of soapy water which she had found incredibly fast while the No Life King was zoned out on a blank patch of wall pondering the taste of middle aged men compared to that of fresh puppies. When he finally was aware of her presence he became confused again.

"Police Girl, what are you doing?" He asked it in a voice so calm that it sounded like a perfectly legitimate question, but of course it wasn't.

The young blonde looked up and frowned. "Cleaning. Surely you don't want that left there?"

The silence that ensued was physically painful. Both looked to each other awkwardly as deafening silence filled the room.

Seras shook her head. "Have you never taken care of yourself before?"

"I have been alive for many years but most of that time has been spent with servants or assistants. To be honest I have no idea what I should be doing...I guess that's quite pitiful..." Alucard hung his head low in shame.

Seras crossed her hands over her heart and sighed. "It's not your fault. You are a ghoul-slaying vampire. Your life has been so different up until now. I understand."

"Do you, Police girl?" Alucard snarled. "I'm sure you are laughing on the inside right now. I bet you are regaling in the fall of the mighty Alucard. This is a treat for you, watching me struggle!"

"What? No! I would never think like that! You are my master. I will stand by you for as long as I live...I owe you."

"Sure, you just want to watch me fall so that when the time comes you can pick me off and become your own master. How devilishly clever. I guess I should be proud of you...I trained you well."

Seras cocked her head like a dog. "Alucard...I would never do that. I'm your friend."

Alucard's face twitched. "How dare you use that language in my house! You take that back at once or I will have your tongue!"

Seras face paled. "You don't know what 'friend' means do you?"

Alucard bowed his head. "Not exactly...But whenever someone says it to another in a movie that 'friend' usually dies. I assumed it was a curse upon your enemies." There was an odd silence before Alucard broke it. "Was I close?"

Seras didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Here Alucard was, the mightiest creature she had ever witnessed, a demon on the battlefield so terrifying that just his laughter could kill a man...And here he was, struggling to understand the simplest things in life. Even a child would have a better grasp on things. Was it really true that in his many decades of life he had been so lonely, yet always had people to cater for him? The irony made her want to chuckle, but the sadness seemed to take over instead.

A little tear slid down her cheek and she immediately wiped it away embarrassed. Alucard was staring at her...Just staring. He looked ashamed of himself.

"The Hellsing Organisation was my life. I lived for battle. It was the purpose of my existence ever since my birth. Now that it has been robbed from me I am nothing...But a failure." He hung his head dejectedly and shuffled awkwardly on his feet. "I would be better off if you just killed me."

Alucard didn't notice Seras stride towards him with an angered gleam in her eye. Neither did he notice her hand arcing through the air towards him. He felt a heavy slap to his face, so hard it spun his head almost 180 degrees and forced him to stumble backwards into the wall.

Seras was panting hard, as if she had just run a marathon. Her shoulders were heaving and a wild look in her eyes piqued the vampire king's curiosity.

"You fool! So what if Hellsing is gone? Who cares if you can't fight anymore? None of that matters! This is a chance for you to start a new life, a normal life! Please, let me help you? I'll be by your side every step of the way, because I'm your friend." She smiled sweetly and for a moment Alucard seemed dazed.

"Police girl...Thank you. I feel much better now."

It almost felt like a movie. The big bad villain had learned a valuable lesson and there was that warm feeling in the air. Seras giggled sweetly but Alucard cut her off and efficiently slaughtered the mood.

"But seriously, slap me again and I swear you will lose that fucking arm!" The No-Life King's eyes blazed bright red and his fangs protruded from his vicious snarl.

Seras shrugged it off and smiled...Until she heard gunshots.

Well the odd couple are back in buisness...But can Seras help Alucard live a successful and normal life? Fuck no! there wouldn't be a story if she could! Anyway, please send in suggestions for enemies. I want this list to be massive! 


	5. Public Transport

**Enemy 4: Public Transport**

Seras spent several hours cleaning up the house...And by cleaning I mean removing incriminating evidence such as blood-stains, gunpowder and all records of a previously existing family ever residing within the house. It was painstaking, nauseating and increasingly dreadful work but it had to be done and since Alucard had made it quite obvious that he had never even heard the word 'cleaning' before that he would be less than helpful.

"Police Girl, I'm going out for a hunt. Do you wish to accompany me?" Alucard was already heading out the door when a terrified Seras caught his sleeve.

"No! You can't do that!"

"What? Why? I did it yesterday." Alucard mumbled defensively.

Seras shook her head and sighed. "No, no you don't understand. You cannot keep going around killing people."

Alucard stared at her for a moment. "So...You have to do it for me?"

"No!" Seras cried. "Oh, please understand before I have a stroke! Murder is illegal here. No more killing innocent people."

Alucard smiled. "Oh, I understand it now." Seras smiled back. "I have to keep them alive while I feed! Take a leg or an arm and leave the rest for others. That makes sense." The police girl went pale again. Alucard ignored this and turned back to the door. "This shall be fun!"

"NO!" Seras dived in front of him and slammed the door closed. She was panting heavily again and Alucard was beginning to think she might have heart problems (You know...Aside from actually having one...) "Look, tell you what? How about I show you how to do a different kind of hunting?"

Alucard grinned wickedly. "I'm listening."

"W-well, " She stammered, "There is a large building that people go to called a shop. It has lots of things to eat there, but you have to hunt them down and find them."

"Ah, like a human farm!"

"No it's not like a human farm. It has other stuff to eat instead of people."

Alucard blinked. "Foreigners?"

"Huh? No!"

"Well they aren't people."

"You can't say that!"

"Why?"

Seras collapsed to her knees and tore at her hair. "Why is this so hard?" After a moment of silent contemplation Seras rose back to her feet. "Alright, let's go to the shop. I'll show you all the different foods you can eat and you can help me hunt them, ok?"

What happened next was so unexpected that Seras actually had a mini heart-attack. Alucard jumped up in the air like the guy off the Toyota commercials and cried out like a toddler whose balls dropped at the age of four. "Yay!" His smile, so innocent yet so hideously wrong that Seras became ashamed when she felt all warm and fuzzy inside.

Now feeling like the mother of an overgrown, bloodthirsty and apparently racist vampiric child (Holy shit that was a mouthful!) Seras led him outside into the big wide world to go to the shop.

"Now, to get to the shop we'll have to catch a bus." She was about to say something else when she decided to add, "And no, it's not a human farm..."

Alucard nodded curtly and followed her to the bus stop. Seras had to sit down, already exhausted from an ordeal which although seemingly endless had really only lasted about two minutes. Alucard remained standing, glaring at each car that drove past as if it were a threat.

"What am I looking for?" Alucard asked.

"Well a bus is kind of like a big long car. You'll know when you see it."

Alucard squinted several kilometres up the road. "Is that one?" He pointed.

Seras followed his gaze and nodded. "Yeah that's one! That's the bus we have to catch."

"I understand, take him alive." Alucard whipped out his gun before the Police Girl could protest and without a moment's hesitation he fired. After a brief silence a deafening explosion followed and the bus disappeared behind a sea of flames.

Alucard looked back to his fledgling with an expectant stare. "Did I do well?"

Seras was still too stunned to respond.

What followed was an hour long scolding about Alucard's 'little mistake'. When he finally understood what he was supposed to do their bus finally arrived, this time accompanied by a police car.

"_Next time don't say anything, don't do anything and for the love of god **please **don't shoot anything."_

Alucard complied with his order and sat up the back of the bus behind a group of young delinquents. Loud rap music (Humph, that's generous) blared out from one of the kid's phones. Alucard frowned and looked around. "Police Girl...What is that sound?"

"Huh? That's just music. Ignore it."

Alucard folded his arms and scowled. "It's too loud."

"Ignore it." Seras repeated. "We won't be on here that long."

The group of kids suddenly burst out laughing. The music got louder and Alucard's fangs started showing. "Dammit! I cannot tolerate this much longer."

Seras glared at her master. "Alucard." She said sternly, like a parent. "Don't."

Alucard looked out the window and pretended to ignore it. Seras bought his ploy, failing to notice the black puddle that was oozing from his foot and running under the seats to the youths. Alucard rolled his eyes and sighed, just as one of the kids screamed.

"Ah! There's a fucking dog under my seat!"

"Hey! That's my phone! It ate my phone!"

"Ow! It bit me!"

What followed were agonised screams. Alucard's familiars retreated back into his leg and Seras, as well as everyone else believed a dog was actually on the bus. People were standing on their seats and others built forts out of shopping bags to protect themselves from the phantom hound.

Alucard pretended not to notice and kept staring out the window. It was not long after that the bus stopped and a new group of teens got on the bus, this time playing something far, far worse.

Once again Alucard tried to ignore it, but the agony was far too intense and after a few minutes Alucard rose from his seat, guns blazing, eyes burning bright red, fangs dripping with saliva.

"I DON'T CARE IF IT'S FRIDAY! DIE!"

For the second time that day, a bus exploded...And once again, Seras struggled to cope with her overly aggressive master. And for the fourth time, Alucard did not learn anything at all...

Yes, Alucard has just heard the 'Friday' song...Blood will be shed. But before that Alucard is going shopping! What delightfully demented devastation will follow? Read on to find out!


	6. Shopping

**Enemy 5: Shopping**

After an agonisingly long walk (Well they sure as hell weren't getting on any more buses!) Alucard and Seras arrived outside the large shopping mall. The great building loomed over them and Alucard stared at it in wonder, like a child staring up at the stars on a clear night.

Seras found it rather sweet that such a monster was so awestruck by something as simple as a store. Still she would never admit that to his face, just like a lot of things...Things that could provoke a painful death at the hands of the No Life King.

"So this is a 'shop'?" Alucard asked innocently, his pronunciation of the word 'shop' painfully laboured and awkward.

Seras nodded and waved a hand to the entrance. "Come on, let's go inside."

As soon as Alucard approached the doors they magically opened. Alucard cried out in alarm, leapt back and pulled out his guns. "Where are you, you sneaky bastard!"

"Master what are you-"

"Someone opened the door and now they are hiding in wait. It's all too suspicious!"

"Actually, _you_ opened the door." Seras explained. "By stepping on this square the door automatically opens for you."

Alucard put his gun away. "Oh...Is that so?" Alucard tested it three times before nodding. "Very well. Let us go inside then." Amazingly, he did not appear embarrassed in any way, even after doing something so outlandishly crazy. Seras could feel her cheeks burning just from standing with him so how could Alucard be so calm about it? Was he really unaware of the mistakes he had made?

She decided not to dwell on it and instead took Alucard's sleeve and led him into one of the aisles of the giant department store. "Now, look at all the stuff they have. You have to hunt down what you want and then we buy it. That's how it works, got it?"

"Why do we pay for it?" Alucard mumbled. "What kind of silly hunt-"

"Oh and we call it 'shopping' here, not 'hunting'."

"Why?"

"It's just what we do. Now come on, let's go 'shopping'!" Seras dragged Alucard down an aisle full of snacks. She picked out handfuls of chip packets and biscuits and chocolates, all the while Alucard stared.

"This hunt is rather easy. The prey can't even fight back."

"Because it's not alive. Surely you knew that?"

Alucard made an odd expression, something lost between a frown and concentration. "I could not sense any life force within them..." He pinched his chin and sighed. "There is something wrong with these carcasses...They are too bright."

"They aren't carcasses. They are called packets." Seras explained patiently.

"Packets?" Alucard murmured. "So what are these then?" He asked, waving a hand towards a row of chips.

"Well, they are thinly sliced potatoes that are seasoned and cooked to a crisp. We call them chips." Seras smiled sweetly, for a moment thinking she were caring for a special needs child, but without the embarrassment.

"Then what are...Doritos?"

Seras struggled to find a simple way to explain it. She sighed heavily and settled with, "Mexican chips."

"And what are Cooler Ranch Doritos?" Alucard asked, picking up a packet and sniffing it non-chalantly. He yelped when Seras slapped him.

"No! Put that down!" There was a hint of fear in her voice and Alucard reacted the way he had trained himself to for the past 200 years. He threw the packet to the ground and shot it into so many pieces that even a fly wouldn't be able to taste the hypocritically flavoured tortilla chips. When he was done both master and fledgling were panting heavily. Seras was only panting because she had to dive out of harms way and knock a frail old woman out of the path of the bullets and instead threw her into a pyramid of jars which collapsed upon her.

Seras stared at the horrific goopy red puddle on the floor and panicked, even if half of it was just pasta sauce. The old woman's leg twitched several times and then went still as more of the salsa spread out from under her and the mass of broken jars.

"Um...Let's go." She grabbed her master by the hand and led him to the exact opposite end of the store...The meat section!

Alucard stared at the glorious tapestry of flesh, blood and bone and a murderous grin spread across his face. "Ah, Police girl! This is wonderful! Not only do they kill it for you, but they put it in a nice little packet for you as well! I can smell the death upon these butchered creatures. I can taste the blood in the air! I am in paradise!"

Seras went pale in the cheeks. She was beginning to doubt her decision to bring him to the meat section and now she was really getting afraid of him. Considering the way he reacted to harmless things like music on a bus and Texas flavouring on Mexican chips surely real meat would drive him insane. Still, he looked like a kid in a candy store and rather sweet despite the salivating and growling and oddly aroused glances he gave the sliced up carcasses.

"Police girl. I want this and this and this and this and this. Oh and this, that and them." Alucard stated simply as he piled a trolley full of meat.

Seras frowned at the huge selection of murdered animals. "God, why didn't I just take you to a farm and buy a whole cow?" Alucard's ears seemed to prick up at the word 'farm' and Seras had to add before he got too carried away. "Not a human farm." Alucard's shoulders sagged, until he noticed a kidney and a few lambs' brains and then his eyes lit up like miniature fireballs.

Seras picked up a pack of sausages and grinned. "Say, how about I make us bangers and mash for dinner tonight?"

The clueless vampire stared at them in utter disgust. "Is that...?" He made a retching sound.

"What?" Seras looked up, confused.

"Police girl. I thought you were better than that."

"Huh? I don't understand. What's wrong with sausages?"

Silence followed. Then it dawned on her.

"Oh Alucard that's disgusting! These aren't- God, that's just wrong! Why would you even think that?"

"Well they do look like-"

"No they don't! Bloody hell you're acting like a nine year old who just discovered porn."

"Porn?"

Seras crossed her arms in an 'X' and shook her head. "Oh no. I am not explaining that one to you."

The great undead warrior bowed his head in shame. He had been scolded by an inferior officer. That was insulting, especially in public. Surely he could not stand such disgrace. If she tried to make an example of him again she would definitely regret it for no-one messes with the No-Life-King and get's away with it!

The unusual couple went to the check-out and waited in a seemingly endless line, like a marching trail of ants. Alucard soon became impatient and bared his fangs to those who stood before him, successfully parting them like the red sea and allowing him and his cart of bloodied mammal meat to cut through to the front of the queue. On his way he spotted a small rack of tiny snacks. He was unsure what they were, but they smelled utterly orgasmic.

"Police girl...What are these?"

"Chocolate? Have you never had it before?" Seras almost cried. "Alright, I'll get you one to try."

Alucard stood his ground and puffed out his shoulders. "But...I want that one too." He pointed to a Kit-Kat.

"No, I'm only getting one. Now come on, people are waiting."

"I want that one!" Alucard roared, his voice too deep and menacing for such a childish demand. Still, Seras stood her own ground and acted like her mother had during these situations. She folded her arms and stared sternly at her metaphorical child. Alucard cursed inwardly and bared his fangs. "You dare defy me Police Girl? I am your master. Such insubordination will not go unpunished."

Seras initiated tactical emergency response number two (Don't make me spell it out for you, just think about it...Actually don't dwell on it too much, we don't want another 'two girls one cup' now do we?)

_Oh no! What have I done? Is he going to kill me? All for a chocolate bar?_

Alucard's eyes blazed bright red and the scowl on his face was truly inhuman. He took a deep breath and snarled. He tensed up and then lunged. Seras flinched but her master never reached her. Instead he was rolling on the ground crying out in an adult tantrum.

The sheer impossibility of it made her laugh, but mocking him was a terrible mistake. That day, Seras paid for more than just their groceries.

Enjoyed that? Well how about reviewing then? Comments, requests or advice are all welcome. So please click on that little icon below. Otherwise, you might end up on Alucard's enemies list and you sure as hell don't want to end up on there!


	7. Royal Pain

**Enemy 6: A Royal Pain**

That's right! The royal family are in Alucard's sights this time. Prepare to be offended!

Alucard watched television while Seras patched up the bullet wound in her left um...Part of a chicken? Alucard's toddler tantrum had been too funny to ignore, but apparently vampires are incredibly self-conscious and dislike being mocked, a lesson she learned through pain. Now here she was, using her fingers like tweezers to pry a silver bullet out of her...chicken meat.

Meanwhile Alucard flicked through channel after channel of two boring unremarkable faces, Will and Kate. He scowled at the lack of action scenes on every station and in a fit of rage hurled the remote across the room.

"Dammit! Why is there nothing on television but this Will and Kate nonsense?"

Seras poked her head into the room and smiled. "Aw, but they're such a nice couple. She actually found her prince charming! It's like a fairytale come true."

Alucard glared at her. "And?"

"And what?"

"Why is it suffocating the media like a python consuming a little child?" Alucard snarled.

Seras shrugged. "It's a royal wedding. Everyone loves the royals."

Alucard scowled. "The same royals who deprived me of the ability to kill at my own leisure for the protection of this nation? The same royals who never waved to me when I waved at them? The same royals who murdered my master's ambitions and put her and all she cared for out of work?"

Seras paused for a moment. "Uh...Yeah, that's them."

"Grr, how dare they now rob me of the simple human pleasure of watching television? She takes away my pride as a vampire and now my mortal joys? Such despicable acts cannot be tolerated."

Seras' eyes widened to the point of practically popping out of her head. "Alucard...You aren't seriously planning on..." It was too terrible to say it out loud.

The ferocious demon merely smiled at her knowingly, not caring for the pure insanity of his intentions. "I have a wedding present for these bland tasteless royals."

"Alucard no! There am no way that I ma letting you do that!" Seras blocked the doorway with her trembling body. "This is madness! You can't!"

The beast slid up before her, towering over the terrified police girl. "You are in no position to stop me. I am your master. Have you forgotten that lesson already?"

Pain ran through her chicken fillet and she dropped to her knees. She groaned in agony and winced, sobbing quietly as the pain worsened. By the time she could open her eyes again Alucard was gone, long gone. She was in no state to be chasing after him and she needed to rest her wound, so instead she slumped on the couch and watched the Royal wedding.

* * *

A procession of guests poured through the streets around the cathedral and the traffic was blocked for several blocks to allow the immense pilgrimage of old people and lonely women. Alucard dashed over rooftops to avoid them and also to save time. Excitement was dripping from his pores and the vacant space between his ribs where a heart should be was vibrating instinctively in the absence of the pounding organ. He was laughing insanely even though he was far from his target.

As he skipped over another rooftop he felt a human presence nearby and came to a complete stop. He whirled around slowly and spotted a sniper hiding in the corner, nestled between a railing and a radiator. The young man raised the rifle up towards Alucard and took aim.

"Stop right there! What are you doing up here?"

Alucard grinned wickedly. "I am here for the wedding."

"Is that a gun?" The soldier asked aloud, staring at the Jackal nestled comfortably inside Alucard's jacket. "That's it! I have no choice but to shoot you!" He pulled the trigger and a deafening roar echoed throughout the entire town.

Alucard's ribcage erupted in an arterial shower of blood. Shattered ribs and bone fragments spat out like shrapnel from a grenade. Organs spilled out onto his feet and the great vampire staggered about, but remained standing.

The soldier lowered the rifle but kept his gaze on the enemy. The man remained standing even after taking a close-range shot from such a powerful weapon. There was no possible way to survive, especially with his own intestines coiling around the bastard's feet. So why then was he still standing and giggling as if he had just been tickled with a feather?

The soldier dropped the gun, disbelief striking him with paralysis. Alucard merely chuckled warmly and scooped up his internal organs, calmly packing them back inside the ragged hole in his torso as if they were groceries fallen out of a shopping bag. He then approached the soldier who screamed as loud as he could. But it did not matter. It was too late to save him now. Alucard pierced the soldier's gut with a bare hand and then dragged out his guts until they were equals. The soldier however did not live to look back on this and laugh, unlike his demonic opponent.

While Special Forces and police units stormed the buildings below Alucard healed his wounds and headed off, long before the fat pigs reached the roof. With them distracted it would be even easier now to carry out the secret mission and Alucard was powerless to suppress the criminally insane laughter that flowed from his mouth like water.

He finally neared the cathedral. He could smell hypocrisy in the air and at once he knew it was a place of religious origin. The smell of wood and beard hair was unmistakeable...As well as a hint of children's tears? Alucard spread his arms and his body turned into a cloud of vicious little bats, their gleaming eyes brimming with hatred and raw hunger. The organic storm cloud blotted out the sun as it descended down upon the wedding guests.

One such member on the guest list was none other than Sir Integra Hellsing, former servant of the queen and now unemployed. She had been invited out of obligation since the Queen had just about ruined her career. In her past career such events were normal to her, sometimes even humorous, but now this was a horrifying revelation.

"Alucard! What is the meaning of this?" She turned in time to spot a bat reaching out to bite her. She grabbed it by the neck and strangled it to death, yelling at the dead little critter to call of the others. The little bat melted into tar and oozed over her hands and absorbed into the earth. Integra yelped and backed away. There was no other option now, she had to fight him. She took out a service pistol she had hidden away in her coat and opened fire on the unnatural beasts.

Nearby police mistook her for a terrorist and took her down, placing her under arrest and removing her before Alucard could take notice. With no further setbacks and most of the crowd either fleeing for their lives or sucked dry and very much as lifeless as the television programs dedicated to the Royal wedding.

Alucard morphed back into his natural form and entered the cathedral where several rows of troops were guarding the royal couple. A senior officer stepped forward and blocked the path ahead.

"What are you doing here?"

Silently, Alucard tore the man's head from his shoulders and consumed the crimson cascade which spewed forth from the stump of his neck. When he was done he threw the severed head into the stained glass ceiling, sending large, sharp shards of broken glass down upon the troops who were shredded into little pieces in the blink of an eye.

The couple held each other and sobbed as Alucard waded through the red sea, guns drawn. "Hello. I am here to deliver a wedding present." Alucard bared his fangs and howled.

The gunshots were deafening.

* * *

Meanwhile, back at home Seras watched the entire massacre onscreen. She had filled four buckets full of vomit and was still leaking bile from her painfully cracked lips. She was barely able to stay conscious to watch the monstrous acts Alucard committed to the couple. When he vanished from screen coated in gore Seras noted the truly abominable look on his face, something that had scared her more than anything else she had witnessed in her blood-soaked journey through hell and back with the Hellsing organisation. Alucard was a monster, pure and simple. There was no way to overlook he was a heartless, demonic beast.

But still, part of her adored him. But what kind of affection was it that she felt? Had it grown beyond that of a master and student? Had it developed into something more?

Seras shook her head and derailed that train of thought. How could she be thinking of such things when she had just witnessed the royal family be murdered. But now a more pressing question arose: Where was Alucard?

* * *

The Queen hid inside Westminster Abbey, surrounded by guards. The other members of the Royal family had been split up and sent all over London to ensure not all of them were slain on this darkest of days.

It did not take long after the reports surfaced of a stylishly dressed killer attacking the cathedral when new word reached her guards that the very same gentleman was outside the abbey. The guards at the gate were already dead and he was headed inside.

The Queen scowled. "Take him down. I will not allow such unspeakable actions to be ignored. Find this man and destroy him for the good of the royal family?"

The lead guard bowed. "Yes, your majesty." the main unit of guards filed out and only a handful remained with the old woman. In a matter of minutes there was a knock on the door. The lead guard's voice came through from the other side.

"Your majesty..."

One of the younger guards pried the door open only to have the upper half of his leader thrown into his face. He fell back and was trampled by the towering figure that was Alucard. His heavy black boot crashed down upon his skull and shattered it like a melon, splattering brain matter all over the expensive rug on the floor.

The guards rushed forward, only to meet a violent doom. Within only thirty seconds the Queen was alone with Alucard.

"So...It has come to this."

Alucard glared at her. "You put my master out of a job. You deprived me of everything I once had. Now I shall take it all back!" He stalked the old woman who still kept a reserved look on her face, even when he was within a few paces of her.

But then she moved, impossibly fast. She reached under her chair and pulled out an automatic rifle. She opened fire on the fearsome Nosferatu, bullets chewing him to pieces. Victory seemed at hand for the Queen...But then a deep, menacing chuckle echoed around the room, an omen for the horrors yet to come.

Alucard-

SCENE OMMITED BY REQUEST OF THE ROYAL FAMILY

* * *

Seras hunched over outside the bathroom, her hands between her legs, a look of painful urgency in her eyes. "Please master? You've been in there _all day! _I need the bathroom now!"

"Shut up!" Alucard grunted loudly followed by groaning, panting and sobbing. "Damn, there must have been something in that bloody Queen. Remind me not to eat there again."

"Please? I'm begging you!"

"Quiet!" Alucard roared, followed by a splashing sound. A spectacularly wrong moan came after and then the toilet flushed. The toilet sounded as if it were dying, definitely suffering in agony as it went about its grim duty.

Alucard stormed out of the bathroom looking like he had just done an intensive workout at the gym. Seras didn't want to dwell on that and instead she ran into the bathroom...

Only to find a crown floating in the toilet bowl...

Please review. You know you want to!


	8. Getting the Sack

**Enemy 7: Getting the Sack**

Alucard sat on an inflatable pool donut for the next twelve hours, panting like a woman in labour. His wish was finally granted. There was no more pitiful soft-core news suffocating the media. Now it was station to station reports of the terrifying 'terrorist attack' on the Royal family. There were no more exclusives with Kate's engagement dress designer's boss, or interviews with her bogan friend from primary school or a lonely old woman whose only purpose in life is mail-ordering Royal memorabilia. Every station showed the highlights of Alucard brutal killing spree, cutting a path through mobs of guards and civilians with demonic bats and rains of broken glass.

Seras wandered out of the bathroom looking more ill than when she had been waiting for four hours for Alucard to shit out the Family Jewels. It was if the wait wasn't worth it...

"Police Girl...You look ill. Why don't you sit down?" Alucard waved a hand to the couch.

Seras shook her head. "No thanks. I'm pretty sure I'll need to run back into the bathroom in about twelve seconds..."

A short silence ensued before Alucard muttered. "Oh."

Another short silence and true to her word Seras was gone, the deafening roars as she heaved clearly audible from the other room. Alucard rolled his eyes and turned up the TV volume.

There came a loud, desperate knock on the door, as if the visitor were about to be eaten by wolves. Whoever it was they sounded angry, especially the way the yelled, "Alucard!"

The vampire in question sat up painfully and shuffled awkwardly over to the door, limping slowly, gritting his teeth intermittently between curses. When he finally reached the door he wrenched it open only to be met with the most furious of glares.

"Good morning Lady Integra."

Integra stared at him silently for a moment, her arms crossed and a half-smoked cigar clenched tightly between her teeth. "Fuck. You." She growled, separating the words for extra impact. "Alucard do you know what you have done?"

Alucard nodded sombrely. "I forgot to buy laxatives."

Integra would have slapped him then but confusion rendered her paralysed for the briefest of moments. "What?" Before he could answer she shook her head and cut him off. "Alucard you killed the Royal Family. Do you understand what this means?"

"We're free?" Alucard mused.

Alucard grabbed him by the throat and strangled him. Alucard let her, besides, she couldn't kill him anyway. "You, a vampire killed the god damned Queen in front of the entire world! You have gone way too far! You've made it appear that the Hellsing Organisation cannot contain the vampire situation and now any chance of getting our job back is gone!"

"Quite the contrary. I have shown the necessity for vampire hunters."

Integra throttled him. "I was on security for the day! I was going to claw my way back to the top but you had to go and ruin it for me! You are the most incompetent tool I have ever had the misfortune of meeting! If there was a way to kill I would do it right now!" She stopped to catch her breath. When she was gone she let go of Alucard and backed off. "I am no longer your master. You are dead to me. You have severed our ties with your recklessness. Do you understand?"

Alucard hung his head low and frowned. "I done goofed..."

"Damn fucking right- Wait, what?"

Alucard shuffled away with his head bowed in shame. He dragged himself over to the couch and sighed heavily. "So this is goodbye then...Integra."

"Yes Alucard."

If this were a movie, sad, dramatic music would have been playing softly as the two stood silently. But this wasn't a movie. They just stood in absolute silence, the only sound was the Police Girl's sobbing as she threw up again.

Integra turned to the door and stepped out. "Farewell." She took another step and then everything went red. Alucard had pounced on her, knocking her to the ground. "What the Hell-"

"Please! Take me back! I'll do anything! Anything!" Alucard wailed.

"Get off of me." Integra demanded.

"Please!"

"Alucard you're hurting me. Get off."

"But-"

"Alucard!"

'BOOM'

The No-Life-King staggered back and glanced down at the steaming bullet-hole in his chest. His jaw dropped and he stared at his former master who still held the gun in her steady grip.

"It's over Alucard. Hellsing is dead. I guess I should have known you would ruin my legacy. You are a vampire after all. Just another vicious, blood-thirsty animal and nothing more. I never want to see your face again. Goodbye."

Alucard dropped to his knees and watched on in shock as his master got in her car and drove off. When the car was out of sight he doubled over and landed face first in the grass which although off-topic was growing wonderfully thanks to the Mormon mulch.

"Master? I heard gunshots. Are you alright?" Seras ran outside and cradled the ancient vampire. She saw the pain in his eyes, something she had never seen before. For all his life Alucard had been impervious to pain and yet now here he was, almost about to cry and only because of a single bullet.

_What a pussy...I mean, poor Alucard..._

"Master, what happened?" She asked in her most caring voice.

The red-coat demon reached into his chest and retrieved the bullet. He stared at it in wonder and then his hand sank by his side. "This bullet...It is the one she used to kill her Uncle...It was from the first time we met. It was the bullet which began our contract and now it is the one to end it."

"Huh? I don't understand-"

"Lady Integra was here. She said she no longer wanted to be my master...And now it is official. I...I am unemployed."

Seras frowned. "You poor thing. Come on let's go inside and I'll make your favourite meal."

Alucard's eyes lit up. "Really? You'll make me-"

"I'll make steak cakes."

"Will you also make blood syrup?"

"I'll make blood syrup."

Alucard showed a slight smile. "Will you carry me?"

Seras scratched her head. "Honestly I don't know if I can."

"Are you calling me fat?" Alucard appeared about to cry again so Seras obliged and picked him up. Surprisingly he was not as heavy as he seemed and she managed to carry him back to the couch.

* * *

A short while later she set down a plate of Alucard's favourite steak cakes with blood syrup. It was an old vampire recipe which was essentially pancakes made of meat and the blood then mixed with maple syrup and poured on top.

Seras smiled as she watched him eat. Despite being a murderous beast there were times when he seemed so innocent...Like a Rottweiler puppy. Sure it could feast on a baby's face but it can still do the puppy eyes look and make your heart melt. Alucard was the same...Though he probably didn't lick his genitals...

...Although...

_NO! Stop thinking like that! Bad Seras! Bad!_

Alucard licked his plate clean and chuckled warmly. "Done!" There was blood all over his face.

Seras' maternal instincts kicked in and once again she took a motherly role with the demonic child. She took out a tissue and wiped his cheeks clean. "I'm glad you enjoyed that, though you probably got more of it on you than in you."

The two laughed at that and then they settled down to watch TV.

"So..." Seras murmured. "We're going to have to find you a job tomorrow aren't we?" Alucard nodded and Seras felt a chill down her spine. She could tell it wouldn't end well…But still; she could never abandon her master...

Aww, that was surprisingly heart-warming and dramatic. Well it seems Alucard must go job searching. Anyway, keep the requests coming, I'll try to fit them all in somewhere and praise is always good as well. Whatever you have to say, say it. Please review!


	9. Job Hunting

**Enemy 8: Job Hunting**

Alucard slept soundly after gorging himself on his favourite treat; Steak cakes (Call it stupid all you want but I bet next time you see steak and or pancakes on sale the idea will cross your mind!) He slept like an innocent child...Albeit probably having homicidal dreams but whatever, still a child.

Seras however was unable to sleep. They were both unemployed. They needed jobs and they needed them quickly before they lost too much money. Even though Alucard had a bank-load of money handed down from Integra it would not last forever and with the recent events it seemed that Hellsing would never again rebuild itself.

That meant the odd couple would need a job to keep the money rolling in. So Seras spent the next few hours scanning classifieds for anything that tickled her fancy. She took out a red marker (cliché?) and circled several of the ads. Then came phone calls, emails and letters to organise interviews. When it was all done she was so tired she wanted to finally drift off, but just as her head slumped down and hit the table the sun rose in the sky.

She cursed and opened an email from a local police station. It appeared she would be scheduled for her interview in two hours...

"Oh [Expletive deleted]"

* * *

Alucard snapped awake at the crack of dawn, something that still scared her, even though it had been a regular occurrence ever since the two crossed paths that fateful night in Chedar. Of course it didn't help that she was in the middle of getting changed when he decided to wake up. Alucard stared at her half-naked form for a time that was a little bit too long and then Seras obliged with a scream. She hastily fit herself into her old Hellsing uniform, a blue skirt and matching top with the Hellsing insignia stitched on the shoulder. In her haste she tripped on her own feet and fell back, only exposing herself again.

Alucard cocked his head at her, which was probably the wrong thing to do when the girl is sitting on the floor wearing a skirt. Seras took it the wrong way and lunged at him, hissing like a cat during a territorial dispute. She slapped him hard across the face while screaming obscenities that cannot be named here. Alucard took the abuse without even blinking. When she was done and beginning to fearfully contemplate her master's backlash it was only then that he frowned and stated rather simply, "You appear to be in a hurry."

Seras cursed under her breath, catching the time as she clipped a watch to her wrist. "Of course I am! I have an interview in twenty minutes!"

"Interview?"

"Yes. I'm going up for a job at the local police station. That way I can hopefully keep us both out of trouble with the law as well as keep you in line. It's also a pretty nice pay check at the end of the week so hopefully I land the job. Now when I get back we'll try and find something for you as well so start thinking ok?"

Alucard nodded. "Very well. I wish you luck Police Girl." He put a lot of emphasis on the name and for once it did not annoy her, it made her smile. It was a welcome boost of her confidence and she absent-mindedly kissed him on the cheek before running out the door.

It wasn't until she was halfway down the street when she stopped and felt a burning sensation all across her face, as if her head had been stuck in an oven. She placed her gloved hands on her cheeks and stared up at the clouds. "Did I just..." She couldn't even end that sentence, the words coming to mind so insane she couldn't believe it.

_I just kissed him...That was...Nice..._

She found herself obsessing over the two second encounter more than she should have because all those practise interview questions she had rehearsed in front of the bathroom mirror suddenly vanished from memory and before she knew it she was standing outside the police station still with the red-coat demon still ever present in her head. She strolled inside, forcing herself to look overly confident. She smiled nervously at all the people watching her, judging her. Some whispered to each other while other just stared.

"Ah, Miss Victoria I presume?" An old man approached her. His British accent was as thick as his moustache which was the colour of steel wool but styled like a broom. He waved her inside his office and allowed her to go in first. He followed close behind and pointed her to a seat opposite from his own lavish office chair. He sat hunched over so that he leaned right across the table, digging both elbows into piles of papers. "So...You want to be a policewoman?"

_Say something smart. Be clever. Come on I know you're blonde but be clever!_

"Well the technical term is police _officer_. Denoting individual genders is inappropriate according to the revised rules sir."

The grey-haired wizard smiled. "Well done Miss Victoria. I see you know quite a bit about the police force. You must have been an officer before, am I right?"

"Two years with Division 11 sir." Seras answered.

"D-11? I heard all of them were wiped out on a mission in Cheddar. Supposedly some kind of terrorist attack or something terrible like that."

"I was the only survivor sir."

"My, I must say I am terribly sorry."

"Also, you were mistaken earlier. Terrorists were not involved with the Cheddar incident. It was vampires."

"Vampires? You mean like those blood-sucking ghouls that were supposedly taking over London. I heard enough of those childish fairy tales form those fools in the Hellsing organisation. Ha ha h- huh?" The police chief noted the patch on Seras' arm. "Oh..."

"Vampires are not mystical creatures of legend sir. They are as real as you and your men. In fact..." Seras bared her fangs and snarled. The chief cried out in alarm and pushed his wheelie chair to the far wall away from her.

"Jesus! What the hell-"

"I am a vampire." Seras said matter-of-factly.

"B-but Hellsing was shut down! They said the vampire threat had been eradicated!" The chief cried.

"That is not true. The Monarchy merely wished to overlook the problem rather than make it publicly known. So they crafted lies about the vampire threat being over and that Sir Integra stepped down of her own free will. That is all lies. We were forced out of our jobs for no good reason. Honestly I should be hunting down you humans out of spite but instead I wish to protect and serve my mortal friends."

The chief looked like he was going to have a stroke.

"I assure you sir...It would be wise not to get yourself caught on a vampire's enemy list."

"Y-You're hired! Just please don't kill me!" The chief curled up in the foetal position.

"Of course not sir. You are my superior." Seras smiled and -

* * *

Seras woke up. She was lying on the steps outside the police station. She checked the clock on the far wall inside and realised she had missed her interview by an hour and a half. She almost screamed out loud but caught herself just in time, only making a sound like an aggressive sneeze. She smoothed out her uniform, fixed up her hair and straightened her gloves before walking calmly and purposefully towards the front desk.

"Hello, I am here for a job interview. I'm afraid I'm a bit late but I hope the chief is still around to see me."

The police woman typed away at a keyboard and shrugged her shoulders. "He hasn't got anyone seeing him now. You should be fine."

"Oh, thank you." Seras started to walk off when the officer caught her sleeve.

"Oh, I don't mean to be rude but you should probably quieten down next time you sleep outside. It disturbs the pedestrians." Seras' jaw dropped. "Well good luck!" The officer smiled and waved towards the chief's door.

Seras trudged inside and braced herself for the worst...

* * *

"I got the job!" Seras skipped through the door, a beaming smile on her face.

Alucard looked up from a hardback copy of Bram Stoker's 'Dracula' and grinned. "Really?"

"Yes. I am now an official member of the London Police."

"So the interview went well?"

Seras giggled. "Well I fell asleep outside, supposedly moaning and screaming the whole time. I tripped over on the way in and accidentally knocked a pile of papers off of the chief's desk. I also forgot the answer to a few questions and kind of made myself out to be a stupid blonde."

Alucard frowned.

Seras continued her story rather than pay attention to him. "Anyway thank God the chief is desperately lonely and kind of a pervert in a redneck uncle kind of way so I got the job!"

Alucard made an odd face. "Job interviews sound like fun..."

Seras' interview was a disaster, but Alucard is next! How will Alucard fare in finding a job? Don't forget to review!


	10. Job Hunting Part II

**Job Hunting Part II**

After Seras' amazing job interview (Or spectacular failure depending on how you see it) Alucard seemed pretty excited about finding a job of his own. And so it was back to the classifieds hunting for jobs.

Alucard noticed a small add in the corner of the paper. One that was printed on a black background and had flames printed around an unfamiliar name. "Hot topic?" He read aloud. Seras looked down at the ad and suddenly laughed.

"Ha! That would be great for you. You would love it there! They sell all kinds of cool stuff and the people there are kind of like you! You would fit in really well!" Seras circled the ad and dialled the number on the ad.

Alucard read the other ads while Seras organised an interview for her 'son'. He circled several others and waited patiently until the Police girl was done. Then they set off for the local shopping mall.

They found the store easily enough, despite being nestled comfortably in the corner, mysteriously away from the sunlight. The hidden dark patch cried out for attention for some weird reason and Alucard marched right in with guns blazing. After a brief verbal and then physical argument with a security guard Alucard proceeded inside. Where he found a young man at the counter. He had dark black hair which swept over his pallid face and he wore dark clothes over more dark clothes. The interior of the store was predominantly black and even Alucard could sense the theme.

"Hello, I am here for a 'job interview'." Alucard strained the last few words as if they were from a foreign language. The young man nodded and pointed to a doorway which rather than being filled in by a door was covered by black beads. Alucard headed on through and found another of the darkly dressed people inside sitting at a chair decorated with stone skulls and fantasy knives. Alucard smiled warmly.

"Hi. I'm Marilyn. I'm the store owner. I'm like mad goffik."

"Marilyn?" Alucard murmured uncomfortably, staring at what he was certain was a male.

"Like Marilyn Manson. I changed my name cos I'm well goffik." He sighed. "Take a seat, not literally of course that's stealing." He then proceeded to make a nasal laugh that was borderline nauseating but thankfully it ended before Alucard opened fire.

"You have black hair."

"Yes." Alucard stated simply.

"Long black hair." Marilyn added.

"Yes."

"You have sharp teeth."

"Yes." Alucard said again with remarkable patience.

"Your coat is the colour of blood. It even smells like it."

Alucard chuckled for a little while before stopping bluntly and once again saying, "Yes."

"Are you goffik?"

Alucard froze. "Uh...What is that?"

"Goffik? Are you like, dark? I'm way goffik. I stole my mum's eyeliner and cut up her stockings to make these gloves," Marilyn revealed fishnet gloves with no fingers, "and I also sacrificed a goat to like...Ethiopia."

Alucard was still a little confused but nonetheless he nodded. "Yes. I am like mad goffik!"

"Really? What did you do to join the darkness?"

Alucard chuckled heartily before telling his wondrous tale. "Well, I killed, ate and drank the blood from hundreds upon thousands of people, many of them innocent. I slaughtered entire villages because they were in my way. I fought against the legions of Hell, raised from the dead. I killed dutiful police officers because they wanted to stop me from assassinating the Royal family. Then I killed the Royal family. But trust me, don't ever eat queens. They make you constip-" Alucard stopped.

Marilyn's expression didn't change. "Wow, that's goffik."

Alucard smirked. "It is isn't it? How marvellous!"

"Alright, you're hired." Marilyn took out a coffee mug and poured coke into it. He looked up, noticed Alucard staring and sighed. "I would have put coffee in here but black coffee is too strong...So I just drink coke..." He paused for a moment before adding, "Because it's black in the right light..."

Alucard walked off with a merry smile upon his face. He set up camp by the cash register where a young girl with raven hair and an overload of eyeliner was typing lazily at the register's computer. She stopped typing and glanced over at the giant demon in a red coat.

"Hello." Alucard spoke in his deep baritone.

"Hi." The girl almost waved; well technically she raised her hand and then lowered it again. "Are you new here?"

Alucard nodded. "Just what am I supposed to do?"

The girl frowned. "Don't ask me. I don't know either."

"What? But you were typing on that-"

The girl twisted the screen around. "I don't know how to use it properly...I just look up pictures of puppies. I like puppies." She clicked on one photograph and enlarged it. Alucard felt a strange sense of familiarity when he saw it. "I'm going to save this one from the pound. Last week I saw him there and I fell in love with him."

"Hang on..." Alucard mumbled.

"I'm going to name him Lucifer. He's so cute isn't he?" The girl asked timidly.

Alucard frowned. "I remember that dog..." He muttered to himself, staring hard at the picture, desperately trying to unravel the web of mystery from around the fluffy little face. The girl picked up on his unease and paused. There was a moment's silence before Alucard grinned far too widely and exclaimed, "That's right! I ate that one!"

For a second nothing happened.

In the second the girl went pale...Well paler...Well pretty much albino milk.

In the third her cheeks went kind of green.

The fourth second she turned around and ran.

In the fifth second she was gone, her retching sounds audible despite the employee bathroom being across the other end of the store.

Alucard looked back to the screen and had an ominously rumbling stomach as if the pound's website were a fancy restaurant menu. He had to look away after a while. When he did turn away from the screen Marilyn was standing before him, blending into the shadows enough to conceal his clothes however his pallid skin was still visible. He didn't look happy...Well even less happy...Okay downright miserable.

* * *

"You really do kill people?"

"Yes."

"You also eat puppies."

"Yes...Well once...Or twice..." Alucard looked down at his feet.

"Why?" Marilyn asked.

"Well I am a vampire." Alucard explained, only afterwards realizing the fatal error he had made.

Marilyn made a face like he was about to throw up. "A...Vampire?"

"Uh...Yes."

Marilyn was completely silent for a dreadfully long time before bursting out in hysterical laughter, that same nauseating nasally laughter that made Alucard think homicidal thoughts. "A vampire? What a fag! You're fired! Ha ha ha! You aren't goffik! You're a right faggot!"

Alucard growled. Alucard lunged. Alucard...You can guess the rest right?

* * *

Alucard returned home covered in blood. Seras looked up from a book of blonde jokes and smiled. "How did it go?"

Alucard stormed up to his room and slammed the door shut.

Damn! Didn't hot topic suit Alucard so well? A shame it ended in bloodshed. Well Alucard is still looking for a job. Any suggestions, send them in. Also any new ideas for enemies are welcome so keep the requests coming. 


	11. Job Hunting Part III

**Job Hunting Part III**

Alucard slumped down into the couch, his large frame sinking through the old cushions until he was swallowed up and only his hat remained visible. It was late and Seras had been watching TV when the king of all vampires came home, looking to be in a sour mood.

"How was your day?" She asked, despite the fear of being attacked.

Alucard sighed. "Terrible."

"Aw, why is that?"

Alucard leaned forward and placed his head in his hands. "I've tried so many jobs but all of them have been complete and utter failures." He groaned and looked down at the floor like a mopey teenager.

Seras didn't have to ask the question, her eyes did that for her. Alucard rolled his own eyes and cursed under his breath.

"Very well...It all started on Monday..."

* * *

MONDAY

Alucard arrived at the tattoo parlour, rubbing his hands together eagerly. He stepped inside and found a leather-clad biker sitting on a small chair which cried out for rescue. Alucard grinned at him and stepped forward. "I'm here for the job." He stated overenthusiastically.

The biker shrugged. "You got any criminal convictions."

Alucard shook his head. "No, I haven't been caught yet."

The biker shrugged again. "So, why you want to do this job?"

"Ha! I get to stab and poke people with needles all day long! How could I resist?"

The biker frowned. "Good point..."

And so it began. After a half hour tutorial on how to use the tattoo gun Alucard was primed and ready to get to work. It did not take long for a group of hairy bikers to step through the door, requesting tattoos on their fleshy canvases of arm fat. Alucard obliged and set straight to work.

Everything was going well for the first few minutes, but then things went all wrong. While inking the second biker Alucard accidentally pressed too hard and drew blood. The biker failed to notice, but Alucard saw a bright speck of human syrup and in an instant his stomach growled. He tried to get on with the job but his eyes kept getting drawn back to the blood drops. He struggled valiantly to refrain from indulging in a free meal but in the end of the day Alucard never had any self control to begin with. If he had he would never have survived to this day.

The tattoo parlour was painted red and Alucard ran before the boss or the police arrived.

* * *

WEDNESDAY

Tattoos were too violent, so Alucard decided to take a calmer job. He chose to work at one of the local clubs. Serving liquor to drunks was less likely to result in a bloodbath supposedly...

So off Alucard went, signing up as the new barman. After a rather long lesson about how the alcohol was for the customers and not the bartender Alucard was ready for action. As soon as night fell a swarm of sober idiots surged through the door in a human wave, eager to become drunken idiots.

A vodka here, two spirits there. A scooner or two over here and a margarita for a lady in the corner. It was easy. Alucard as surprisingly good and his well honed reflexes allowed him to perform party tricks for the crowd such as juggling bottles or eating them or breathing fire with a mouthful of whisky or simply regaling people with his tales of brutal violence and evil.

The people loved him. He was a treat for all who saw him and crowds gathered around the bar as people herded to hear another tale, this time about his trip to South Africa where he killed a unit of SAS troops in cold blood and split a Nazi vampire's arm in half like a piece of lumber. People clapped or laughed or gasped at his intriguing tall tales, however no-one realised that every word was true, every vivid detail exact. Still it was good business either way so Alucard didn't mind if people didn't believe him. The night wound down with a delightfully bloody tale of his conquering of the Royal Family.

Alucard went home that night with a beaming smile on his face. He had found his dream job...

* * *

THURSDAY

Alucard was offered overtime and not knowing exactly what that was he obligingly accepted. The bar owner lit up a cigarette and took a long drag on it before releasing a large puff of smoke. "My cousin owns a bar downtown...Business has been rather slow lately and he needs help bringing customers back. Your stories have brought people from all over London to my bar and I'm forever grateful, but if you can save my cousin's club then I'll pay you triple."

Still confused at just exactly was being proposed Alucard nodded slowly and sluggishly shook the barman's hand. After a short shift at the regular bar Alucard was taken to the club downtown.

"Live nude nude nudes..." Alucard read aloud, staring up at the dull neon sign above the door. "What does that mean?" His question was ignored and the barman strolled right in, followed closely by his obedient vampire slave.

Alucard stepped into a world of flashing lights yet prevailing darkness, loud screams but no blood and pretty ladies without clothes and only a scarce few dressed in their undergarments. Alucard frowned at the dancing women and their gyrating hips and asked casually, "Are they slaves?"

A middle aged man in a Hawaiian shirt slapped him on the back and laughed boisterously. He puffed on a thick Cuban cigar while he bellowed in a loud obnoxious way, "He he he. Pay 'em enough and they sure are!" He draped one arm over Alucard's shoulder and leaned in close until his breath which reeked of tobacco and whisky was far too noticeable. "So you're that guy Mark was telling me about huh? He said you doubled business in a single night. That's pretty impressive."

"Thank you." Alucard muttered his eyes wandering to places they shouldn't be.

"So," The man continued, "You think you can save my club? We've got a few patrons here right now but I'll bet in an hour or two this place will become a freakin' ghost town. If you can bring people in and get them to throw their money at my ladies then I'll make it worth your while! I'll give you a free night with your pick of my lovely harem!" He chuckled bawdily and slapped Alucard on the back again, only this time hard enough to make Alucard feel homicidal tendencies boiling up from within. Luckily he suppressed them before he tore the man's throat out and instead he was sent over to the bar where he started serving drinks instantly and told tales to the people there.

A crowd of a dozen or so people had gathered and within the hour there were two dozen people, though that was just at the bar. Others were filing in, watching the dancers while they waited for their turn to seek an audience with the legendary vampire bartender.

The club owner returned after some time and patted the No-Life-King on the back. "HA! This place is booming once again! It's all thanks to you mate!"

Alucard bowed humbly, "It is no problem."

The man shook his head. "No, no, no. I want to thank you for the help. I tell you what. I'll cut your shift short and you can spend the rest of the night with whomever you wish. Take your pick and I'll make it happen."

Alucard looked around the bar, over the crowds to the dancers on their stages. He looked over them all three or four times but every single time his eyes were drawn to one blonde dancer in the corner. She was facing away from him but the way she danced was unimaginably graceful and made her stand out from the rest. Alucard pointed with a gloved hand to the girl and the owner smiled.

"Her huh? Nice choice. She's the new girl, only signed up a few days ago. She's got a nice ass eh?"

Alucard nodded like an obedient dog and was absent-mindedly dragged through the crowd. The owner pushed him through the crowds towards the exotic dancer and Alucard felt his heart pounding in his chest...Until he realised his heart was long since dead and had been removed. It turned out it was just his lungs working overtime because he was panting feverishly. He moved within twenty metres of the girl when he froze up and remained stuck to the floor as if he had stepped in cement.

"What's wrong? Shy?" The owner asked. Alucard nodded ashamedly and hung his head low. The owner shrugged and went ahead anyway, calling out over his back, "I'll get her for you!"

Alucard smoothed out his coat and adjusted his gloves and played around with his hat and set his tinted sunglasses in the right spot where they gleamed in the low light and concealed his eyes from view. He bowed his head until his face could not be seen under the brim of his wide fedora and he waited.

"Alright!" The owner had returned. "She's gone off to get ready. She'll be waiting in room 2B. Go and get yourself comfy and enjoy yourself. You've earned it!" He pushed him over to the room and would not leave him alone until Alucard had stepped inside the dimly lit room and closed the door.

For five minutes Alucard sat on the collapsed bed and waited, twiddling his thumbs until the beautiful girl came to please him. She would become his slave. She would serve him for eternity. He would make her his for eternity. Just the thought of it was making him salivate.

Then the door opened. In the darkness it was hard to see her but he could make out her slender, yet curvaceous form in the doorway and he followed her with his wide eyes as she crossed over to him.

"Hello," She whispered in a voice that gave him tingles. She took out a pair of handcuffs and pushed Alucard down onto the bed, kneeling over him with her legs spread over his body. She teased her hair with one hand and ran the other down her chest while speaking in a seductive tone, "I'm afraid you're under arrest. You're going to have to come with me." Her pronunciation of the word 'come' confused Alucard but nonetheless he was too overjoyed to bother.

The girl crawled over Alucard and kneeled on all fours above him. Alucard chuckled deeply and snarled, "Oh police girl!"

In that moment they both went silent and they both froze up. The girl tilted her head to one side. "A-Alucard?"

"Police Girl?"

An awkward silence followed.

Then the screams began.

* * *

In the present Alucard and Seras stared at each other. They sat on opposite sides of the same couch, unable to look away from each other yet desperate to do so. Seras was blushing intensely, her cheeks the colour of roses. Alucard just stared the way he always did since emotion or expression were a rarity with the vampiric fiend.

"So that's why you were at the club..." Seras murmured.

"And why were _you_ there Police Girl? I thought you said the London Police hired you?"

The blonde vampiress sighed and leaned forward, resting her head in her hands. "No, of course they didn't hire me. I blew it all in the interview. I just didn't want you to know about my real job..."

Alucard grinned at the wrong time. "Well I know exactly what you do Police Girl." Unfortunately he didn't understand how wrong that sounded to Seras' ears and she had to look away before she threw up.

They needed to change the subject fast so Seras ended it. "Look, I've quit now so it doesn't matter anymore. Are you still working at the bar?"

Alucard rolled his eyes. "No. I quit the same night you did."

"Oh, then what did you do today?"

Alucard stared right into her soul and said with utmost seriousness. "Child care."

"Oh...Well how did that go?" Seras asked fearfully, dreading the answer that would come. Fortunately she was surprised by his response.

The red coat demon smiled at her and beamed, "It was fun!"

Seras sighed in relief. "Oh thank god. That's a-"

Alucard burped and a tiny, toddler sized shoe spat out of his mouth and hit the floor with a wet, bloody slap. They both stared at each other in silence once again and after some time the screams recommenced.

And in that moment Alucard gave up on the job market and decided to live his life unemployed. His only real job and his only gratifying job was with Hellsing and he would never again work for another master. If Integra had abandoned him then it simply meant he would be an unemployed vampire king for the rest of his eternal life.

* * *

Well Alucard has tried very hard to find a job but it just isn't working out. I guess his next option would be...Oh, I don't know...Social welfare? Anyway, I hope you enjoyed the chapter and please review or give suggestions. As some of you may notice I take many of your requests into account and try to incorporate them into the story so keep them coming. 


	12. Social Welfare

**Enemy 9: Social Welfare**

Bloody hell, it's been way too long since the last update hasn't it? Well I'll put you out of your misery now. Enjoy!

Alucard had a rough night. It seemed he caught something from all those kids in his brief stint in child care (Well eating the filthy little bastards didn't help much...) Alucard had amassed a total of twelve tiny shoes by morning and the agony didn't stop there. He kept on bringing up more throughout breakfast until the shoe count rose to nineteen.

Seras stared at him from across the table, her expression grave, "Alucard...Please answer honestly..." she hesitated a moment to finish swallowing her meal which was trying to escape. She almost choke,d but managed to force it back down her gullet. When she was done she returned to the question. "Alucard...Just how many little kids did you-" She didn't finish the sentence, instead holding her hands over her lips to keep her breakfast down.

The vampire looked to her quizzically and frowned. "I don't know...A couple?"

The shoes lined up against the wall begged to differ. Seras would have used her maternal glare to bring the answer out but she was far too disgusted to do so. "Alucard." Was all she could say, though her nagging tone made the No-Life-King bow his head in child-like shame.

"Maybe a dozen?" He suggested, shrugging.

Seras wasn't the best at maths (She was a police officer not an accountant!) but she didn't really believe Alucard. Sure there were only nineteen little shoes right now, but she was quite certain that there would be more soon enough. Still, she let the subject pass and moved onto something less nauseating and revolting.

"So, you say you don't want to get a job any more?" She asked, leaning forward to hear her master's answer.

Alucard crossed his arms and pouted. "No." He looked down at his feet. Seras smiled. She had never seen this side of him before. It was so sweet. This was too good a chance to pass up. Seras wanted to have fun.

"Alucard, stop pouting."

"I'm not pouting!" Alucard snapped like a hyperactive toddler.

Seras put her hands on her hips and assumed a motherly glare. "Alucard-"

"I'M NOT POUTING!" With that he kicked his chair over and stormed off.

Seras waited until after he was gone before cracking up laughing. It was the first time she hadn't felt afraid or disgusted in this house for a long time...It felt nice.

It was another hour or so before she went looking for Alucard, finding him lying face down on his bed, burying his face into his pillow. "Master?"

"Go away mum! I don't want to go to school today!"

"What?"

Alucard suddenly appeared before her, standing tall and in no way like a moody child. He stroked his chin in deep thought and frowned. "I'm sorry I have no idea what that was about. Anyway, in regards to what you said earlier, I do not want to find a job. I have seen that the job market is one foe I am unable to conquer yet. Besides, slaying worthless freaks and vampire was my only job."

"That's fine. If you're not ready yet then we can leave that for another time. But you still have to earn money. You're going to have to come with me to the DWP today."

Alucard made a face. "DWP?"

Seras lifted a finger and winked at him, looking like a helper mascot. "The Department of Welfare and Pensions!" she explained, still stuck in the cute pose. "The DWP gives allowances and pensions to the sick, the elderly and the unemployed. They also help in a number of other sectors. They are what we call a Social Welfare Agency."

"Social...Welfare?" The red-coat repeated.

"Yes. They will give you money to pay your bills and buy food and clothes and anything else you need. It means that even if you don't have a job you will still be able to look after yourself with basic needs. Since neither of us have a job it would be best to go there and get ourselves a steady income."

Alucard tilted his head to one side. "You use too many big words..."

Seras groaned and re-explained herself in simpler language. "Look, they let people without a job get money so that they don't end up homeless."

Alucard still didn't understand. Seras gave up and dragged him from the room.

* * *

The DWP smelled like old people. Not just ordinary old people, but the festering, rancid odour of the really bad ones. Not like the old people that hold up the bus, more like the semi-vegetated, incontinent nursing home old people. The suffocating, stomach-wrenching smell that makes even your bile feel sick.

Alucard had nothing left in his guts to bring up so in a way he had an advantage, but the smell was still there, lingering around like a bunch of teenagers at a shopping centre. The giant moved to the end of a seemingly endless serpentine trail of awaiting bludgers. Some looked ill, some wore cast. Others just looked like lazy slobs. A lot of them looked like junkies. All of them were visibly affected by the smell.

Alucard waited for as long as he possibly could (Six minutes is a very long time for impatient people) and then proceeded to storm through the queue. He was assaulted by many curses and insults and in a few cases physically attacked. Alucard rose above it, quite literally, by turning into a swarm of bats. The line dispersed as everyone fled, leaving Alucard to make his way to the front of the queue. He reformed over a square mat on the floor which instructed him to 'wait here'. He did so for another infuriating few minutes until he was called over by a rather bored looking old man sitting at his desk.

Alucard approached him and grinned devilishly. "I want some money!"

The man didn't seem fazed at all. "That's nice. So you are unemployed?"

"Yes."

"Are you a student?"

Alucard chuckled to himself, "No! I am a master!"

The man didn't follow, but he moved on anyway. "Your name?"

"Alucard." He rasped.

"Okay." The man reached into a drawer and started rifling through it's contents.

Alucard clapped and cheered. "Money!" He was disappointed to be handed a form instead. "Huh?"

"Go to that line over there and wait your turn. Fill out the form there and you will receive your payment."

"What? I just waited in this line!"

"That isn't my problem sir. Please move along."

"No!" Alucard slammed his fist down on the desk, incidentally breaking it. "Give me my money now!"

"Move along or I will call security."

"I'm not moving until I am paid what I deserve." Alucard folded his arms like he had at the breakfast table that morning.

"Go to the other line. I do not care if you have to wait. This is how things work."

Alucard drew his gun and pressed it against the man's forehead. "Do you care now?" he snarled. The man passed out and everyone in the building ran away screaming in a fit of panic. Alucard looked around and found the entire DWP completely vacated, aside from Seras, himself and two workers. The lines were all empty now! "Oh, never mind. I'll do as you asked."

The wait was so short, time flew by. Alucard was greeted by a very co-operative young woman who knew what was best for her chances of survival. She filled out the form for him, typed in what had to be typed in and then asked him a few questions. When it was all done she smiled a beaming smile and waved a hand to the door.

"Thank you so much. Good bye."

Alucard didn't move. "What about the money?"

The girl was on the verge of a stroke. "Uh...Th-that goes into your b-bank account. W-we don't actually-"

A big shiny gun was waved around in her face. "I'm waiting." The deep booming voice of Satan himself echoed out from between Alucard's pale lips.

The girl leaned under the desk and pulled out her own handbag. She reached into it and took out her wallet. She held it forward with a shaking hand and emptied all of it's contents onto the desk, including credit cards, discount cards and a photo of her family.

Alucard scooped it up and poured it all into one his endlessly deep pockets. He smiled at the girl and patted her on the head as if she were a dog. "Good girl. Thank you very much. I look forward to seeing you again next month."

The girl smiled falsely and waved, waiting until he was gone before having an emotional breakdown.

Meanwhile Seras had a much more laid-back experience, acting as if nothing at all had happened out of the ordinary (Well after living with Alucard for a while it gets less surprising) She thanked the man at her desk and looked around at the ruins of the empty DWP. "Oh, don't worry about my friend, he's just a little moody."

And with that she sprinted home...Before the police, army and air force arrived.

* * *

Alright, now that Alucard is unemployed I don't need any more job ideas. Right now I'm looking for 'enemies'. By that I mean people, things, situations or events that really piss you off (E.g. Twilight, being on a plane next to a crying baby, Christmas shopping,) If it makes you angry then chances are it will make Alucard furious, so send in any ideas you have! 

Even if you don't have any ideas, just some encouragement or praise is good. Either way, Review! Otherwise _you _might be on Alucard's enemies list!


	13. Genre Shift

**Enemy 10: Genre Shifts**

It had been ten days since the odd couple had visited the DWP and although content with not having to work anymore, it had become apparent that life was rather boring. Even Alucard had calmed down, seriously! Alucard! Calm!

Seras was rather worried, since she was actually able to digest meals now, and she hadn't even had to clean the floor once! Well, she still did it anyway, just to pass the time, but...Whatever...

"I'm so bored..." she whined, her head slumping back against the couch.

Alucard watched her curiously, not sure what to do. He looked worried for some reason. Seras turned to look at him and he ducked away, trying to hide. When she turned away he popped up again and resumed watching her as if she was a circus freak.

"Alucard, what are you doing?"

The demon stepped forward and studied her from head to toe. "A-Are you alright?"

"What are you talking about? Of course I'm alright. I'm just bored."

"B-bored?" Alucard shied away from her, his skin going paler than before. "I-Is it contagious?"

Seras frowned. "Huh?"

"I don't want to get sick! I don't know what to do!"

Seras shook her head and rose to her feet. "Look, boredom isn't a disease." She stepped towards her master who took three steps back and whimpered like a puppy during a thunder storm. Seras just rolled her eyes and continued her explanation. "It just means you feel tired because there is nothing to do. I swear you won't get sick. Now stop acting weird!"

"Police Girl, if I get sick I will tear you apart!"

"You won't get sick!"

"Prove it!" Alucard snarled, baring his fangs.

"Fine! Google it!"

An awkward silence ensued. The two just stared at each other, neither of them even breathing. A tumble-weed swept past them but even that didn't wake them from their trance.

Eventually Alucard succumbed. "What is Google?"

The Police Girl sweat-dropped. "Are you serious?"

Alucard said nothing. He didn't have to. That look of child-like innocence was unmistakeable. But still, how could Alucard be so clueless about modern life? Why did he only seem to understand Dark Age concepts and nothing more? What had the Hellsing Organisation done to him?

"It's on the internet. Have you never used a computer before?"

"You mean those magic boxes? I thought only wizards could use them?"

Seras felt a strong urge to shoot herself then, but something made her refrain. Instead she wandered through the house in search for what Alucard labelled so simply as 'a magic box'. She scanned the entire house twice but found none. She wound up back in the living room where Alucard had not moved an inch since before she left. He just sat there, in deep brooding thought.

"Uh...This house doesn't have a computer. I was thinking...Since Sir Integra gave you so much money...Maybe we could buy one?"

Alucard broke free of his contemplation and smile wickedly, a smile that could only mean one thing. "Can I come-"

"Fuck no!" Seras interjected, crossing her arms in an 'X' shape. "You stay here and don't you dare move until I get back! I'm sick of having to clean up after your public meltdowns! Until you can behave like a normal human in the outside world you can stay here!" She took a deep breath and then approached the door. She twisted the door handle open and made to leave when she caught a glimpse of her master, sulking like a little child. She frowned and rolled her eyes. "You know...You know I still love you right?"

"What?"

"Nothing!" Seras cried, "I just sneezed. Anyway, bye! Be back soon!"

* * *

An hour later Seras returned home, a large cardboard box in her hands. She stumbled through the front door and set the package down on the table. "Alucard! I'm home!"

No answer came.

"Hey! Master! I'm back!"

Still no response.

Seras wandered through the house, following an undeniable scent of blood. She found Alucard in the kitchen, facing away from her and doubled over on the kitchen counter. "Hey, what are you doing?" she asked calmly, assuming her vampiric friend was still upset from earlier.

Alucard mumbled a response that sounded only vaguely like real words. He didn't look at her or move from his position.

"Look, I'm sorry if I upset you earlier." Seras stepped around the counter and approached him. "Please don't be angry."

"I'm not angry." he snarled in such a way that it sure sounded like he was angry. He twitched and cursed and then started making strange noises.

Seras got closer, until the smell of blood was overpowering. She waved a hand around her face and coughed. "Master...What on earth are you doing?"

"I'm...cooking." He snapped, sounding very agitated.

"That's fine, but why are you all rigid and creepy...And why can I smell blood?" Seras asked fearfully.

Alucard sniffed. "I..." he trailed off for a second before muttering, "I'm dizzy." The big red giant fell to his knees, knocking a pan to the floor and spilling something all over the place.

"Alucard!" The Police Girl ran to him and helped him up. She gazed down and found Alucard's coat was soaked through with his own blood. It was seeping through the fabric and was dripping down onto the floor in a thick syrupy puddle. "Master what have you done?" Seras screamed in total panic.

"I wanted...To make it up to you...For all the trouble I caused...I was going to make steak cakes...But I couldn't find any blood, so I used my own..." The great vampire coughed violently and his entire body shuddered with it. "I haven't drunk anything...For so long...My powers are...Are..."

"Oh god...Oh god no! Alucard please! Alucard stay awake! Please! Master! Master! MASTER!"

Seras ran to the phone but hesitated. Alucard would wreak havoc in a hospital. He would probably drain the other patients to sustain himself. He wouldn't spare anyone! What was she going to do? Her master needed blood and he needed it immediately. She could let him drink from her? But then she would be in need of help...That wouldn't work. Alucard wouldn't be able to help her then. He didn't even know what a computer was! How would he be able to ring for an ambulance? Hang on...Computer...

Google!

Seras ran into the living room and switched on the laptop. While it loaded she returned to the kitchen and wrapped Alucard's mutilated arm in an entire roll of bandages. They were already turning pink. Seras tore at her hair and ran back to the computer. She set her settings and then waited for them to configure while she constricted the circulation in Alucard's arm. She didn't really know what she was doing; she only vaguely remembered her medical training with the police force. It was mostly a blur to her but she remembered a few basics. She patched up her master as best she could and then logged onto Google. She searched for blood banks in the local area and waited 0.0023 seconds while it searched.

"Dammit! Why is this taking so long!" she cried out in frustration.

The results popped up...All 28, 578 of them. Seras cursed and ran through them one by one until she found one that was located just a few streets away. It was on the outskirts of London but it was closer than the rest.

Seras scribbled down the address and then moved over to her master. She struggled to pick him up. "Jeez, if you've been starving all this time then why are you so damn heavy?" She grunted with the effort of draping his body over her shoulders and then she walked out the door with Alucard hanging off her back like an expensive fur coat. She made it to the road and waved down passing traffic. An old man stopped for her and she screamed at him to drive to the blood bank as quickly as he could.

"Why not the hospital?"

"Because...We don't have insurance!" Seras lied. The man took the bait either way and drove onward to the blood bank. They arrived within the span of ten minutes by which time Alucard was shivering and vomiting. His skin had gone a sickening greyish-blue like stale bread.

Seras dragged him over her back and made her way inside. It was exhausting, even with her enhanced strength but she did not complain. She had more pressing matter to worry about. She knew that Alucard was powerless without a steady flow of blood. Just like a human without water, Alucard was dying. He might have lived for another decade as long as he wasn't harmed, but if he was wounded then he would be unable to heal himself and would die like a mortal.

Seras dropped her master in the waiting room and sprinted past the receptionists and into the rooms beyond. She passed one of the storage centres and backtracked until she was by the door. She threw herself into the door, knocking it inwards and snapping the thick steel hinges. She collapsed in the centre of the large room filled with vials of frozen blood. It was freezing in there, even colder than the freezer rooms in the back of liquor stores. Seras was turning blue from just standing there. She quickly gathered as many bags of the stuff as she could and hurried out into the hall.

Two security guards blocked the way, both aiming guns at her head.

"Stop right there!"

Seras bowed her head and sighed. "It looks like it's my turn then."

"Stop!" The guard on the left demanded.

Seras giggled. "Now I have to be the naughty one." She crossed ran towards the guards, head on. They opened fire, striking her twice, three times, four times... She kept running, screaming madly. Her eyes glowed bright red and fangs sprouted from her jaws. She closed the gap between them and before they could glance off another round the Police Girl barrelled into them, knocking them both flat on their backs. They both tried to squirm but Seras stomped on the throat of the first guard, crushing his windpipe and forcing a jet of crimson to spurt out of his mouth before he went limp. She stomped on the second' guard's head, squeezing his cranium until it split apart and splattered bone and brain and blood all over the floor.

She continued on, making her way to her master who was still slumped over against the wall. Seras tore open one of the bags and cursed when it was still frozen, almost like a horrid ice block. Seras was about to go get the dead guards when she found it impossible to walk any further. She was in the same boat as her master now. But...No matter what...Alucard had to live on!

Seras propped her master up and pried his jaws open. She slid the collar of her shirt down past her shoulder so that the bullet wound there could bleed freely. Then she pressed her bare flesh against Alucard's colourless lips and let her wound flow directly into him. It felt oddly ecstatic at first but soon it was painful, very painful. Seras couldn't help but sob as Alucard awoke. He did not care who he was drinking from, he just reacted by instinct. He sank his fangs into her soft pale flesh and consumed her rich blood. Seras shakily reached out and enclosed her arms around him. Her head was heavy and so she rested it against his. She didn't know how long they were like that...She fell asleep long before it finished.

* * *

Seras awoke in a hospital. Her shoulder was numb, the rest of her body stung like she had acid thrown all over her (Bad Islam! Bad!) She was naked, the only thing covering her private areas being the heavy layers of bandages all over her. She struggled to remember what had happened earlier but soon enough little fragments of memories were returning to her...Like buying a laptop. Still that didn't explain her condition did it? She tried to remember more but her thoughts were interrupted by a doctor entering the room.

"Hello Miss Victoria." A familiar voice came from the man, but she couldn't place a name to the face. In fact on closer inspection Seras realised it was no doctor at all...But an ageing man in a butler outfit.

"W-Walter?" She asked softly, her voice croaky.

"Yes, it is I, Walter. You are lucky we found you when we did or you might have died."

"We? You mean...Lady Integra?"

"Of course. We may not have our grand organisation behind us, but many of us are still tracking the vampires that pop up within the city. Integra overheard rumours that a draculina was taking her vampire friend to a blood bank just outside of London. The descriptions were simple, but they fitted you both perfectly."

"Huh?"

Walter sighed. "A man in a blood red cloak...And a blonde lady with large breasts."

Seras was too fatigued to be angry. "So...Was the informant...The one who drove us there?"

"Apparently so. We had been staying at a nearby hotel to discuss the latest vampire sightings with a few old comrades when that old man stumbled through, screaming about a bunch of bloodied beasties. We inquired as to what he had seen and by then we knew we had to act fast."

"What happened?"

"We found Alucard cradling what we assumed to be your corpse. We feared the worst, but Alucard pleaded his case and swore that you had sacrificed yourself to save him. Alucard couldn't act to save his life, so when he behaved the way he did we realised he was serious. Your dedication was too admirable to let you just die there so we had you treated and transferred to the hospital closest to your home."

"Thank you...'"

Walter waved a hand and chuckled. "Do not thank me Miss Victoria. It was Sir Integra who deserves all the praise. Even after she renounced Alucard as her servant she cannot ignore the valuable services he had provided. You too have proven your worth to her. That is why she still wishes to help you both."

"Please...Thank her for me. I wish to go home."

"Are you sure? You should be resting-"

"Please...I wish to see my master."

Walter was about to argue further but held his tongue. He nodded and assisted her out of bed and handed her a fresh set of clothes. He even offered to help her walk, but Seras insisted she was fine. She could still walk fine, it just hurt like Hell.

They made their way to the old car Integra had always been driven in. It was an old model, but it still looked like it had been made yesterday. It shone so brightly, it was almost blinding. The former head of Hellsing was waiting for them in the back seat. Seras was placed beside her and Walter closed the door for her before making his way around to the driver's seat.

Seras did her seat-belt, unable to hide the wincing and whimpering that went along with it. Integra did not look at her, instead glancing out her window, smoking a cigar.

"You are well I trust?"

"Uh...I guess so... Thank you Integra...Thank you ever so much-"

The lady held up her hand and silenced her former subordinate. "Spare me the niceties. I received enough of that from Alucard. The way he acted was unbelievable. I knew he was like a child, but honestly..." Integra trailed off. "You must take care of him."

Seras nodded.

"Alucard is special. I don't mean to say he is stupid...But special in a good way. You impressed me Miss Victoria, you really did. Alucard is a difficult creature to understand and thus not many people can trust him, let alone form a bond. You are the closest he has to a friend..."

"He is my master. I would never abandon him."

"Good. Alucard is the pride of the Hellsing family. I can only do so much for you now...From this moment on you must be Alucard's shield. He does not understand this world, but you do. Teach him Seras...Allow him to become one with humans again. It is the only way you can both survive in this world..."

"Yes Sir Integra, I understand."

The car rolled to a stop and Integra smiled at her. It was a small, barely recognisable smile, but Seras could see it. Integra smiled her little smile and whispered ever so softly, "Thank you."

Seras stepped out of the vehicle and waved as it drove off. "That's odd...Nothing unusual has happened in a while..."

The front windows of the house exploded outwards and bright fireballs erupted from inside. Seras stared at the flames and cursed.

"Oh god...Please tell me he isn't cooking again..."

* * *

Well...That was unexpectedly serious...

Don't miss the next chapter! Alucard will finally unearth the mysteries of the 'magic box'!

Review or request, either way...DO IT!


	14. Computers

**Enemy 11: Computers**

Great fireballs shot out from the front room of the house and instantly Seras panicked. She ran inside and found Alucard sitting comfortably on the couch...The couch which was remarkably unscathed from the fire that by all rights should have incinerated it.

"Master...What was that just now?" she asked, doubled over and panting like an over-worked hound.

"What was what just now?" Alucard replied, his old arrogant self returning. It was delightful and infuriating at the same time.

"The fire..."

"Fire? There was no fire. I just sneezed." Alucard stared at his protégé and frowned. "Are you alright? Maybe you should have stayed at the hospital."

Seras put her hand on her hips and scowled. "Don't look at me like that! There was fire coming out of the windows just a second ago!"

"Police Girl," Alucard murmured, his voice taking on that deep, brooding, serious tone that he used to scare people. His brow furrowed with concern and he leaned close to her, "Are you taking drugs?"

"What? No!"

"Calm down."

"I'm not high!" Seras cried.

Alucard grinned smugly, "Oh really? I never said anything about being high."

Seras opened her mouth to reply, but she knew she couldn't win in an argument against Alucard. It was like trying to beat an Asian in a hot dog eating contest. She rolled her eyes and walked off leaving Alucard to stare at the television which was not even turned on. Either he liked his reflection in the dark screen or he didn't know how to manipulate that 'magic box' either.

Out of pity the Police Girl picked up the remote and turned the device on, an act which almost made Alucard's red coat brown. He leapt up in his seat and cried out in alarm as if a snake had slithered out from under the couch (Which it had but Alucard wasn't afraid of snakes. Hell, he could turn into a snake if he wanted to!)

"P-Police Girl! The box just-"

"Don't worry. I just turned it on. Seriously...How..."She gave up on her lecture and left the room. Nothing was more tiring than trying to explain the modern world to a technologically illiterate, homicidal immortal. So much time...Way too much effort involved.

Content to spend the rest of the day on the computer and leave Alucard to his mysterious way, Seras wandered over to the laptop which had been laid on her bed. She found it odd since she never put it there, but the thought only just flitted through her mind and then it was gone. As she flipped the screen up she noticed something in the reflection...Someone creeping up behind her. Experience told her it was Alucard and she sighed heavily before addressing him with an irritated, "What?"

The awkward creature of the night slid up closer to her until his stale, rotting breath was overpowering her. His fangs were merely a hairs breadth from her ears and she was quite afraid that he would chomp down on them. Alucard's eyes seemed to glow with a malicious curiosity, like a child who finds a dead bird in the backyard.

Seras took a deep breath to calm herself and kept her eyes closed while Alucard whispered in her ear, his voice a vicious snarl. "Police Girl...Are you a wizard?"

Her eyes opened. Her frown creased into a stern scowl. She looked over to her master and said nothing, her glare saying it all...Or at least they should have. But Alucard still had an expectant grin on his pallid face.

"Well?"

"No." She answered flatly.

Then the screen-saver popped up and Alucard's eye narrowed. "My god! The picture changed without you even touching it! Are you sure you're not a-"

"No!" Seras growled. She waited a moment before going online. She went onto Google and glanced over her shoulder at Alucard. She typed in 'boredom' and then hit enter. She clicked on the first page and showed it to her vampiric friend. "See, boredom isn't contagious."

"What? Why are you showing me this?"

"Huh? Don't you remember just the other day?" Alucard shook his head. "What? It was just a day or two ago! I was bored and you thought I would infect you and make you sick!"

Alucard shook his head again.

"Oh come on! It was before you went and hurt yourself and-"

"That was three weeks ago." Alucard mumbled.

Seras' eyes widened. "T-Three weeks? I was out for that long?" She stared straight ahead while Alucard took the laptop from her lap and placed it on his own.

"What do I do with this?" Alucard asked, looking up to his fledgling. "I just write the word and search it right?" He got no answer but he did so anyway, slowly typing 'vampyre'. He then clicked search. He stared at the results and frowned. "Where...Where am I?"

"You aren't on there because no-one knows who you are." Alucard was about to get angry but Seras quickly rephrased herself, "No-one knows you and is still alive." He got less angry. "Anyway, you can start up your own page if you want."

The Police girl opened Wikipedia and started on writing a new page entitled, 'Alucard'. She returned the laptop to her companion and rose to her feet. "Write whatever you want on there. Anyone will believe it is fact if it's on Wikipedia. Anyway, when you're done you hit that little button down the bottom which says 'save'. Have fun."

And so Alucard spent the next three and a half hours detailing his violent and glorious history as the most fearsome vampire to ever live. It took an hour alone to finish his crusade against Twilight (But that's another story...Seriously I don't mean to advertise, but it is.)

Meanwhile, Seras enjoyed her quiet time. She realised that if Alucard became lost in the world of computers then she might actually be able to relax for once around the house...She might have just found the most ideal way of taming the beast.

It was early evening when Seras went to check up on how Alucard was doing. He was still perched over the laptop, his eyes ringed in black and his face contorted in concentration. His fingers were moving so rapidly it was almost impossible to follow his movements.

"Uh...Master?"

"Yes?" Alucard asked without looking up."

"Are you still writing that page of yours?"

There was a pause before Alucard stabbed a full stop and then he swivelled around on his throne to face her. "Yes." He stated blankly. "I still have another twenty years of events to squeeze in but I'm almost done."

"Well you see...You should probably leave it at that...You can come back and finish it off later."

"Fine." Alucard hit the save button and waited. A pop-up appeared on-screen and the immortal demon read aloud, "_Are you sure you want to save your changes?_" He hesitated a moment before clicking, "Yes!"

Another pop-up popped up. "_Do you agree to these terms?_ Yes." And another one. "_Are you definitely sure about this?_ Yes."

A large form appeared and Alucard cursed under his breath before painstakingly filling it out.

"Ok this is weird..."

"There! Save dammit!" Alucard snarled at the little computer. Unfortunately it went against him. "_So you're really sure about this?_" he rolled his eyes. "Yes!"

"_Positive?"_

"_Certain?"_

"_For reals?"_

"_Are you serious?"_

"_Just makin' sure."_

"_No doubts then?"_

"AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGH!" Alucard came so close to slamming his fist through the defenceless machine but the Police Girl caught his fist before he could do so.

"No! He's innocent!"

"I swear if it doesn't save this time then I will tear it to shreds!" The No-Life-King snarled.

"Please just give him one more chance?"

"One more and one only!"

The two calmed down and pressed enter for hopefully the last time.

A pop-up appeared.

"FUCK!" Alucard reached for the machine but Seras held him back.

"Wait! Look! It says it's ok! That means it worked!"

There was a brief silence...Then Alucard started crying. He lunged at his companion in what was supposed to be a hug but turned out to be closer to a spear tackle. He sobbed while she wheezed and together let out a weak cheer.

The computer beeped loudly. Then it bellowed out another shrill note. And another...And another...

The blood-sucking couple sat up and stared at the screen which was covered in pop-ups now.

"_Congratulations! You're our 1,000,000th customer! Collect your prize!"_

"_Cheap Twilight DVD's"_

"_Are you a werewolf or a vampire? Take the quiz now!"_

"_Not satisfied in bed? Get help now!"_

"What the hell is this? Police Girl what did you do?"

"Me? I didn't do anything! It's spam."

"You're thinking of food now?" The demon roared.

Seras ignored his stupidity. There were more pressing matters at hand. "Quick turn it off!"

"I don't know how!" Alucard squealed. Yes that's right, _squealed! _It's that scary.

Seras reached out for the power button, "Quick! Before the-"

Too late.

"_Young nude nude nudes. They're nude! See them nude! NUDE!"_

"Ooh!" Alucard caught Seras' hand and threw her across the room. She knew better than to fight her master and so she slinked away, leaving Alucard with his newly discovered hobby.

Seras crawled to the kitchen and started making a sandwich. She was halfway through eating when she heard the loudest scream ever. Not just a cat-scare scream like those pansies who play the maze game. Not like those people who are on a hijacked plane...This was pure fear. True fear.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGHH!"

There were gunshots. There were more screams. More gunshots. Then sobbing.

Seras shook her head and sighed. "Looks like Alucard discovered rule 34..."

* * *

Yes, rule 34...The curse of the internet. Anyway, the next chapter will be a special one. No it's not Edward Cullen just yet. He can wait. instead, another infuriating parasite/shit-stain on the earth...That's right! It's-

...A secret. 

Request and/or review. It all helps. 


	15. Rebecca Black

**Enemy 12: Rebecca Black**

Here it is! I have censored this one a bit (It's still brutal and disturbing, don't worry) as some of the things I had written before were possibly too much. If I still offend you then frankly that's good. Ha! But seriously, if I have offended you then tell me. I'm sure I've stepped on quite a few toes by now (And a lot more by the end of this chapter) Now, enjoy!

* * *

Still traumatised by the likes of Internet eroticism, Alucard had been trapped in the aborted foetal position for hours, just lying there like a dead, half-developed fish in a barrel (Holy shit that is some bad taste! Trust me, I'm a doctor.)

Seras felt sorry for him. Still everyone suffers at the hands of rule 34. No matter who they are, it will find them...She still remembered the time it first got her. She remembered that day as clearly as if it were yesterday. She only wanted look up a recipe for home-made gravy. Instead she discovered something else. Something vile. Something that shouldn't exist! Something that I'm sure you'll find if you type it into Google, but I won't because I'm only joking and yet I'm still quite sure that something horrible will turn up.

Where was I? Oh, right.

Seras felt sorry for him, but it was a necessary lesson for him. It's like letting your kids go out into the wild and scrape their knees. It teaches them. It makes them stronger. Though unfortunately in this case sometimes it uncovers socially unacceptable fetishes. (Yes that's right! For every hundred or so people screaming and gagging at 'Two girls one cup' there is one lonely man getting turned on! Seriously!) Anyway, before I make myself sick let's get on with the story shall we? You can do whatever you want with those private browsers _after _you read this. I won't judge...Much...

Anyway, Seras felt sorry for Alucard (Deja vu?) and sat beside him, patting him on the back and whispering soothing little reassurances that they couldn't hurt him anymore. But they could. Just because the image is off the screen doesn't mean it's erased from the mind...But that's what Brain bleach is for! (Yay! Lucky Star!) Unfortunately, Alucard had no such comforts to confide in while he was in crisis and even the sweet Police Girl by his side could not cure his trauma.

"Come on Master...I'll make steak cakes?"

The vampire king shook his head.

"Um...I'll bake cookies?"

Alucard did not respond.

"I could go down to the store and get some meat?"

Alucard looked up, a glimmer of hope in his eyes, "Fresh?"

"Of course."

"Bloody?" He was starting to smile again.

"Yes."

"Human?"

"No."

"Aw...I'm sad again..."

"Do you want to come for a ride in the car?" The Police Girl asked kindly. Alucard nodded and rose to his feet so fast that he ended up stumbling over and hitting the floor face-first, smashing his little tinted glasses (Yes he still has those! I didn't forget!) He stared at the shattered glass and started to sob.

Seras rolled her eyes and held out a hand. "Come on. I'll buy you a new pair when we get there."

Alucard took her hand and stepped up again he dusted himself off and stared at his companion with hungry eyes.

"What? What are you looking at?"

"Carry me!" Alucard cried, lunging at her. Needless to say Seras did not manage to hold his weight instead he just about knocked her through the wall. When Seras was conscious enough to drive they left. Seras still didn't know how Alucard got a car, but she decided it was better not to ask questions...Especially considering the answers...

They drove in relative silence, every now and then Seras would try and bring up small talk but Alucard was unusually tense during the ride. He probably wasn't used to it, since for his entire life he had always travelled by foot or just sprouted wings. Riding in a car was an entirely new concept to him and he was probably terrified. Still, he would get used to it eventually...Or so she hoped.

When they got to the shops, mysteriously, Alucard did not behave as strangely. He did not freak out when the automatic doors opened. Instead he looked to Seras for reassurance and when she smiled he would grin back, though his grins always looked threatening so it just made Seras feel afraid instead.

They selected the finest meats without much hassle, the only problem being Alucard trying to eat it before they had even paid for it, snapping at the tasty flesh like a hungry dog. Seras slapped him on the nose and told him to be still. He did so, but the glare he gave her signified that he would get back at her soon...And that only made her more terrified.

The only real problem came when it was time to buy Alucard his new glasses. Supposedly they were a special prescription pair that blocked out strong lights such as the sun. They were quite expensive and since Alucard was impatient they had to be made on the spot. That also meant that they had to wait in the optometrist's office while the lenses were prepared. It was rather irritating trying to pass the time with a potentially dangerous, psychopathic vampire. If he wasn't stimulated then he would get violent and he wasn't much interested in the women's magazines set out neatly on the tables.

"Master, why don't you get some rest? I'll wake you up when they are done."

Alucard shrugged and leaned against his fledgling's shoulder. His breathing sounded unnatural, but then again he was a vampire so his very existence was unnatural! Seras found it rather nice. Her master's coat was soft as always. She had never been this close to him and not been afraid or in pain...It was pleasant to say the least...

Until the song on the radio changed...

A cheap cheesy keyboard line played. The keyboard sounded like one of those cheap children's toys you pick up at garage sales for $5 and when the novelty wears off in two months you sell it to some other gullible fool for $10. That wasn't the worst part though. There was singing (Well that's generous) It sounded like a seal getting beaten to death with the aforementioned keyboard and then its pitiful cries of pain being auto-tuned. Surprisingly it wasn't a seal but actually a fourteen year old girl with no singing talent whatsoever and thus had to be so heavily manipulated by a computer that it sounded like Windows Sam was having an orgasm ( A mechanised, emotionless male voice having a forced orgasm is not nice...)

Seras was rather put off by it and the slight whiff of romance that had been lingering before had now dissipated. Alucard however reacted differently.

The No-Life-King leapt up from Seras' lap and cried out in agony, holding his ears which looked to be bleeding. He shook his head and screamed like a lunatic, eventually rolling about on the floor and having a fit. Seras was too stunned to help him and so instead she just sat there and watched on. Alucard, meanwhile, had risen to his feet, his eyes wide and bloodshot, fangs bared, a vicious snarl curling his lips back to reveal his gums. His eyes were blazing blood red.

Alucard was pissed.

"WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?" Alucard roared. When no-one answered he drew his gun and pointed it at those waiting in the lobby. "ANSWER ME!"

"It-it's Rebecca Black! Please don't kill me!"

Alucard put the gun away and looked up at the speaker which was bellowing out such abominations. Alucard just stared at it, glaring so hard that the speaker actually melted. The molten plastic poured down on one unfortunate patron and they were horrifically burned.

"Rebecca Black...Very well..."

"Wait!" Seras cried, grabbing her master's sleeve. "What are you doing? It's just a song!"

"It is not a song! It is an abortion!"

Seras frowned. "Did you...Did you mean to say _abomination_?"

Alucard nodded. "Yes...I think so."

"Well...Anyway, what are you going to do? You can't just fly to America and assault her!" Alucard glanced down at her knowingly. When he winked Seras felt like throwing up. "No! No you can't! Sure she's annoying, but she's just a little girl!"

Alucard shoved her aside and spread his arms wide. "That harlot sacrificed any semblance of humanity when she agreed to record that terrible noise! She deserves a fitting punishment for her crimes."

"Alucard please? I'm begging you! Don't-"

He was already gone...And so were his new glasses. Seras sank down in her chair and groaned.

* * *

Alucard had morphed into a swarm of vampire bats, migrating across vast oceans towards his foe...Rebecca Black. The hundreds of bats spoke as one in deep, venomous unison, "Rebecca Black...Prepare to die!

* * *

Anaheim, California was nice and sunny. The big orb in the sky cast an orange haze over the area leading Alucard to mistakenly believe that was why the area was called Orange County. Still he did not care about that...Not when that mixed breed strumpet was still writing songs.

The migration from London to California had been quite tiresome and so Alucard had to return to his regular form and walk the streets. He was exhausted. He needed a drink, a drink supplied by one unfortunate young girl. He also needed a way of finding her before he passed out.

There were taxi's driving around everywhere, but he had no money with him. There were however numerous car-loads of stupid teens...Teens that would be gullible enough to lend a creepy hitch-hiker a ride. And so Alucard stuck out his thumb and stood by the side of the road. He didn't have to wait long unit a little blue convertible pulled up beside him. The kids didn't really look old enough to drive, but whatever a free ride is a free ride.

Alucard stared at two empty seats and frowned.

_Hmm...Should I get in the front seat? Or sit in the back seat? Damn it. I better make my mind up...Which seat should I take?_

It took a moment for Alucard to catch onto what he had just said. It sounded far too similar to a certain song...

"Fuck!" Alucard jumped into the back seat and roared at the under-age driver. "Take me to Rebecca Black! Now!"

"A fan huh? I like that song as well." One of the kids next to him said in an irritating accent. Alucard did not hesitate to embed a bullet in what had once been his head. Now it was a mushy mess of stringy muscle and flesh.

Everyone in the car screamed but Alucard pointed his gun at the driver's head and gave his orders. "Drive! Now! If you stop I will kill another one!"

The girl was sobbing but she drove on nonetheless. When she arrived at their destination Alucard thanked them. He thanked the driver by twisting her neck around 300 degrees and tearing the hollowed out head from her shoulders. The other back seat passenger tried to scramble out of the car but Alucard caught his leg and threw him into the pavement. He lifted the boy one last time and then slammed his head down into the gutter so hard that his face caved in. Next Alucard dusted himself off, cleaned his glasses and proceeded towards the large manor.

He knocked on the door so hard that the fancy timber structure split apart and collapsed in on itself. Rather than wait for a courteous host to arrive, Alucard just helped himself and strolled right in. He made his way to a large staircase in the main room. He followed it up to the second floor where he found a long hall lined with doors. He checked them one by one and eventually found the little bitch sitting in her room, lying on her bed like a beached whale while texting away to her friends. She received one and then rather than laugh said, "LOL" out loud.

Alucard shook his head. "Oh you are so dead!"

"Huh?" The innocent (Ha!) young thing craned her neck to see the giant of a man standing in the doorway in a blood-soaked trench-coat. She looked him up and down and frowned. "Who are you?"

"I am Alucard."

"What do you want?"

"I want a memento of this meeting with you. Maybe your severed head will do!" Alucard bared his fangs and snarled.

Ms Black sat up straight on her bed and stared wide eyed at him. "OMG! Are you a Twilight fan as well? Wow! That looks awesome! Though you aren't as sweet Edward though..."

Alucard frowned. "I don't really know what you are talking about, but somehow I feel insulted."

"ROTFL! Very funny. Anyway let's get this over with. I am actually very busy you know."

"What? You were on your phone!"

"Exactly! I'm a celebrity. Everything I do counts as being busy. I have to go on Facebook and talk to all my fans and then I have to go shopping and then...Well you know..."

"What?"

Rebecca sighed and rolled her eyes. Then she smiled and opened her mouth, unleashing a noise as painful as urinating concentrated sulphuric acid. Somehow there words mixed in there but the noise was so revolting Alucard could only just make out a little of it.

"It's Friday, Friday-"

"Stop!" Alucard roared. He moved to destroy her but he was interrupted when he had to regurgitate his own blood. The horrible singing was making him weak. He should have drained those stupid kids outside...

"Holy crap!" (She's fourteen...) Rebecca covered her mouth with her hands and made an odd sounding noise. "Are you okay?"

Alucard dropped down on one knee and cursed. "D-Damn! This is so stupid..."

"Oh god, you look ill. Here let me help you." Rebecca ran over to the monster and helped him onto her bed. She propped up a pillow and placed it delicately under his head and then she sat beside him with a nervous smile on her face. "Poor thing...You came all this way to see me and you get sick. There are some nasty bugs going around at the moment..."

Alucard wanted to strangle her but he felt dizzy. He had to close his eyes for a second. He was so sleepy...So, so sleepy...

"Aw, are you tired? I know, I'll sing you to sleep."

Alucard tried to struggle but in his weakened state even a pre-pubescent fourteen year old girl could hold him down. She did that same smile from before and started singing again. Alucard felt his brain cells die, his stomach churning. His body was breaking down, his organs abandoning him rather than sit there and be abused by such sickening 'music'. Alucard grunted in agony as a fresh mouthful of blood and bile surged up into the back of his throat. He managed to aim it away from himself and instead soak through a large poster of Justin Beiber on the wall. Rebecca whined about it but Alucard did not care. He knew what he had to do. He had to use up the very last of his strength and make short work of her. He would drink her unworthy blood and become strong again. Then he would get the hell out of California and forget that this disturbing affair ever happened. The world would be put right with that filthy witch's death and life would be a little bit more tolerable.

Alucard had only one chance. He had to take it.

Rebecca approached him with a glass of water. Alucard was so dazed he hadn't even noticed when she left. She crawled up next to him, way too close for comfort, not only because she was terrible but because it could easily be misinterpreted and Alucard would be in a lot of trouble. She tilted Alucard's head back and helped him drink the water. She was so close that Alucard could smell the cheap toilet freshener perfume she wore. It made him gag but he forced himself to stay alert.

This was his one chance...He had to take it.

Rebecca was about to speak but Alucard wrapped his pale bony fingers around her throat. Her eyes went wide and she stared at Alucard's face which had turned to a weak, sadistic grin. Even if he was exhausted and sick, he wanted to enjoy this! He sat up slowly and then rose to his feet, lifting the girl off the ground. She kicked about frantically as her lips went blue and her cheeks a milky white.

"You almost beat me...But no-one can truly kill me! You however, are just another pitiful mortal. A foolish creature leading a flock of mindless sheep. You are a stain upon mankind and with your extinction I will be doing the music industry a favour!"

Rebecca was crying. Her airways were cut off so she sobbed silently, but the tears that rolled down her face were obvious. Alucard pressed his face up against hers and grinned. "I will have fun with you!" He threw her down into the mattress, his fingers still clenching her throat. "First of all, I shall lift this curse you have placed upon me!"

The Vampire King's huge fangs sank into the soft flesh of her neck and she tried ever so hard to scream but all that came out was a strangled yelp. She bashed her fists against her tormentor, but with the gushing flow of blood down his throat he was becoming stronger and stronger each and every second. When he was satisfied and the girl looked on the verge of passing out, Alucard picked her up by her long black hair and brought her up to be eye-level with him.

He glared at her and snarled, "Next, I shall stop you from ever singing your awful songs ever again!" The beast used his free hand to claw away at her throat, using his razor sharp nails to tear neck into bloody confetti. When her trachea was exposed through the tattered remnants of flesh Alucard reached in and pulled with all his might, dragging the windpipe out and ensuring that the girl would die. She wheezed awkwardly and coughed, dark blood surging up out of her mouth and throat like two taps on full blast. She was dead in a matter of seconds, her eyes going all milky and her body going limp.

Alucard studied the corpse and spat out with utter contempt, "By the way...I'm looking forward to the weekend!" He hurled her at the wall and then disappeared.

His work was done.

* * *

Review or request. Either way, DO IT!


	16. Rough Nights

**Enemy 13: Rough Nights**

Seras was startled awake by the sound of hundreds of bats screeching in the dead of night. It didn't help much when she saw them flying towards her window they suddenly melted and congealed into a bloody pool, which re-shaped itself into the form of a creepy looking man in a big flowing trench-coat, sitting outside her window like a stalker from Hell.

Yes she screamed. Yes she...Uh...Um...Lemonade? Anyway, long, awkward story short; she was absolutely, positively fucking terrified.

Instincts from her days in not only the police force but also the Hellsing Organisation compelled her to draw her shiny pistol from its holster on her bedside and aim squarely for the creepy son-of-a-bitch's grimly smiling face. She opened fire, landing a solid piece of steel in the window-shopping rapist's forehead, right between the eyes. He fell out of the tree he was roosting in and hit the ground with a hard thud.

For some reason Seras wanted to check up him and so she ran downstairs and out the door, still in her night-gown and still gripping her pistol close to her chest. She stumbled across the wet lawn and found the heap of crumpled flesh around the side of the house. She could see quite well in the dark, but that didn't help when the culprit was lying face down. She prodded him (Or her? They had long hair...) with her foot and was once again scared shitless when the man/woman/thing lunged at her.

Seras screamed and pushed the pistol out in front of herself defensively, but a gloved hand enclosed around her wrist and an immensely strong grip held it in place while another wrapped around her waist. A horribly mutilated face stared her right in the eye. If he hadn't spoken she would have probably counter-attacked.

"Police Girl! It's me!" Alucard exclaimed in his unmistakeable baritone. Coupled with the way he held her, Seras found herself blushing, but her rosy cheeks paled when she remembered there was a bullet lost somewhere in the ragged, haemorrhaging crevice in his forehead. Sure it closed up soon afterwards but the image was embedded in her mind.

"Alucard? Where the hell were you? I've been so worried!"

"I did it!" Alucard cheered.

"Did what- oh...Oh...Oh god! No! You didn't?"

Alucard nodded knowingly. "Yeah I did!"

Seras backed away fearfully, "No Alucard, no! You can't!"

Alucard followed her, his smile spreading to disgusting proportions, only made worse when he said quite excitedly, "I didn't just kill her...I destroyed her!"

Yes that can be misinterpreted...And it did...Very much so...

"WHAT?" Seras shrieked, waking the entire neighbourhood in the process (Because a gunshot somehow wasn't enough) "ALUCARD SHE WAS 14 YEARS OLD!"

The clueless vampire stared blankly at her. "So?"

"SO? That is disgusting! You're sick!"

"Oh come on! You would have too if you heard the way she screamed! Oh it was wonderful..."

Seras ran inside. Her raging eruption of bile could be heard from outside. Alucard helped himself and followed her. He waited outside the bathroom door for her. Seras just glared at him in disgust.

"She deserved it!" Alucard snarled. "I liked to strangle her while I did it."

"Oh for the love of-" Seras went back in. She came out exhausted. "Please...Please stop."

"What? All I did was kill that little witch. You're acting as if I slept with her."

"Huh? But you just said..."

Awkward silence.

"Ah!" They pointed to each other and laughed hysterically.

When the mood calmed down, Seras wandered off to the computer (Which was miraculously unharmed from Alucard's previous outbursts) and busied herself online in an attempt to forget the things she had experienced in the past two hours.

Alucard meanwhile retired to his bed chambers to try and get some rest, since flying from California to London through the combined manual labour of several hundred bats is really quite tiring. Besides, she needed to catch up on sleep. He hadn't been getting any of it lately, so distracted by life's troubles...It was as if every facet of daily life was designed merely to keep mankind awake and restless...

Alucard had wonderful dreams of unmerciful slaughter, of a world painted in the blood of the weak, of one most fantastical murder he had committed while staying in Anaheim. The wonderful, ecstatic sensation of having that under-age harlot's rich, youthful virgin blood gushing down his gullet. He had never felt so powerful (Okay that maybe wasn't 100% true but still it was very fun!) Alucard was fully immersed in his lucid bloodbath. He could the blood splattering all over himself and he swore he could feel the agony in the poor girl he had mutilated.

That was until he realised it wasn't a dream...The blood in his dream was actually bile and the pain he was feeling was from his stomach knotting itself and contracting and convulsing spasmodically. The vampire sat up and grasped his stomach. He gritted his teeth and let out a pained cry. It felt like his insides were on fire, melting from the inside. His skin was itchy, his muscles were cramping up. Just what the hell was wrong with him? Why was he suffering so?

Alucard stumbled out of his bed and tried to reach the door. He staggered forward in an unusual zigzag and ran into the wall. He cursed and fell onto his back.

"Alucard?" The Police Girl called out from downstairs.

The No-Life-King dragged himself onto his feet and barged into the door. He collapsed in the hall outside and crawled towards the bathroom.

"Alucard? What are you doing?"

"S...Seras..." Alucard groaned, his voice cracking from the pain. "I'm...I feel...I'm sick!" He curled up in a ball and whimpered as his stomach seemed to turn inside out.

The Police Girl overheard his pained cries and raced upstairs to find him still on the floor wailing and groaning. She struggled to help him up and in her panic she couldn't manage to speak the question on her mind.

"Master...Happen what to you?" She shook her head and tried again. "Master, what's wrong?"

Alucard cursed and pounced upon the bathroom door. He buried his head in the sink while he retched violently. "Ugh...I must...Stop feasting upon children..."

Seras held her master's hair back while he gagged and cried. He couldn't find the strength to bring up the last of the wretched bug he must have caught from Rebecca Black. It seemed that the blood and flesh of children really didn't agree with his stomach. So much so that it was poisonous. This would be as close a vampire would get to food poisoning.

Alucard gave one final, torturous heave and collapsed on the tiled floor. He was still awake, dazed and in pain as Seras carried him back to his room and tucked him in nice and tight. She got him a glass of water and even some medicine. She sat on the side of his bed and watched as Alucard consumed them both.

"Police Girl...Thank you."

"No problem. I must serve my master. I cannot ignore him if he is ill or injured."

Alucard nodded and closed his eyes. "Good slave..."

"What?"

"What?" Alucard mumbled back.

"Did you just call me a slave?" Seras fumed, crossing her arms.

"No."

"Yes you did!" Seras yelled far too loud for that time of night.

"I'm asleep." Alucard whispered, pretending to drift off.

Seras rolled her eyes and walked to the door. She glanced back over her shoulder and smiled weakly, "If you need anything just call out." With that she strolled off, turning off the lights and closing the door.

Alucard only managed to sleep for so long before the pains returned. It wasn't as excruciating as before, but it kept him awake for much of the night. It was several hours before he was actually able to close his eyes and drift off.

The next morning was awful. Alucard had barely slept at all that night, kept up far too long with his aches and pains and nausea. He had at the very least learned his lesson not to feed on children anymore. But it had cost him. Large crust formed on his eyelids and he picked away at them in frustration while he stumbled down to the kitchen, swaying like a drunk.

Seras was already at the table drinking a cup of coffee and reading a newspaper. She looked up and frowned at him. "Rough night huh?"

Alucard just mumbled something under his breath. It wasn't necessarily a word and it wasn't really apparent whether or not he agreed but he made the noise and sank into the couch nearby. He rubbed at his temples and groaned, "Police Girl...Kill me."

She froze, her cup halfway between the table and her mouth, just hanging there. "Huh?"

"I order you to kill me." he explained quite simply, his usual deep brooding tone now husky and cracked as if he had been smoking cigars all night. His eyes were ringed in black making him look like an evil half-human, half raccoon hybrid. Seras was shocked to see her master like this. He had never looked so old...It was if his true age had crept up on him all of a sudden and he had aged a few centuries in a matter of hours.

"Jeez, you really didn't sleep well did you?"

"Shut up!" Alucard snarled, burying his head into a pillow and making strange noises. If she heard right, it sounded like the great vampire was crying. That was odd. She never thought it to be physically possible for him to do so, but this was an eye-opener (Get it? Because he didn't sleep! Oh well screw you then!)

"Come on master, don't act like this. You're starting to worry me."

"Well then maybe you should serve a different master then if I'm such a burden to you!" Alucard sobbed for a moment before the ears seemed to mysteriously dry up. It was then that he rose to his feet and kicked the coffee table over. He cursed quite loudly and moved to destroy something else when the phone rang. He stared at it as if the phone were a bomb ticking away. He didn't dare move.

Seras picked up the phone instead. "Hello?" There was no answer. "Huh?" She took the phone away from her ear and looked at it for no apparent reason before putting it back up to her ear. It was then that she heard beeping. "They hung up..."

An awkward silence ensued before the phone rang again. This time Seras snatched it up straight away. "Hello! This is Seras Victoria speaking..." She sweat-dropped.

"What is it?" Alucard grumbled.

"They hung up again! They didn't even wait! I mean what kind of stupid moron would-"

The door-bell rang.

Alucard covered his ears and roared, "Argh! Shut up!"

The young vampiress wandered over and opened the door, only to find the former head of Hellsing standing there.

"Integra? What are you doing here?"

The older woman took a long drag on her cigar and sighed. "I was going to give you orders, but someone never answers their phone!"

Seras sweat-dropped again. Alucard groaned. Integra just stood there, a smile spreading across her face. "Well, what are you two doing? I have a job for you!"

* * *

You may have noticed I've been updating almost everyday lately...That is because this story is just so damn fun to write! Besides, with all the requests coming in I've got a gold mine of material. Thanks to everyone for reviewing or requesting or both. Don't stop now!

Btw, anyone going to 'SMASH!'? Don't know what that is? It's an Aussie thing. An Aussie thing based off a Japanese thing. Still confused? Then give up already!


	17. Forgetfullness

**Enemy 14: Forgetfulness**

Sorry for the wait. I kind of had a bit of writers block but here is the next chapter!

Mondays suck. Monday mornings are worse. Monday mornings make happy people depressed and depressed people mildly happy...Then suicidal...The thing is, this wasn't a Monday. The only reason it was so agonising was the late-night nausea from the demonic creature in a stylish red trench-coat. Alucard had been kept awake all night with his illness and it had truly wore him down when the sun rose.

As a vampire he was already lethargic when the sun rose, but this was just...It was like a hangover from a lethal overdose of sleeping pills and enough vodka to fill a bathtub and drown a puppy (Aw!) Not only did every little noise sound like a Hollywood explosion, but trying to stay awake became increasingly difficult with every blink...Blinks that would last longer each time until they became micro-sleeps.

Things just got worse as Seras poked fun at him. Then the phone rang! Not once, not twice...But...Uh, whatever came afterwards. It was too hard to count when he was this tired. Since Seras had refused to euthanize him and release him from this pain he took out his gun and slowly pressed it against his own forehead. He would have pulled the trigger had he not heard the piercing whine of the doorbell. It was so intense it made him drop the gun and grasp the side of his throbbing temples and scream.

"Argh! Shut up!"

Seras ignored his cries and instead answered the door, at the very least sparing him the agony of hearing the dreaded shrill wailing of the doorbell again. She seemed surprised to see whoever was there. She said a name but Alucard was too drowsy to pay enough attention to hear it. He just heard a jumble of sounds that didn't quite fit right. He didn't really care anyway. He just wanted to rest.

"Police Girl. Either take a pamphlet or kill them! You're letting a draft in!"

"A-Alucard? You can't say that! It's-"

"Alucard!" A much more authoritative and aggressive tone exploded within the back of his skull and the vampire king saw stars...The shiny ones not the ones that little girls and washed up journalists follow as if they are important. That voice was familiar though. He recognised it instantly, but in his state he didn't really care anymore.

"Integra..."

"Alucard, look at you. You look terrible!" The former head of the Hellsing organisation stormed into the living room and stood over her former servant. "What has that girl done to you?" She glared right at Seras just then.

"Hey! I didn't do anything! He's the one who went on a trip to California to gorge himself on little girls!"

"When?"

"Last Friday nig-" Seras was cut off by a shiny pistol pointed square in her face. Alucard was mysteriously back on his feet and angry as ever.

"She is dead Police Girl! Do not bring her back!"

Integra watched on as the little display drew to a close and then she sighed. "Miss Victoria...Surely you knew Alucard cannot eat children after midnight. Like a mogwai!"

She didn't know whether to laugh or cry or feel sick. A mental image of Alucard exploding in a microwave made her laugh...Then cry! Despite spending so much more time with her master, every day just brought up more mysteries. Usually spending time together brings people closer, but this was just building a wall of questions which was becoming harder and harder to bring down.

"Integra...Might I ask you a favour?"

"What?"

"Can you give me his instruction manual? I mean I'm trying my best but Alucard is just...Well... He's just...Alucard..." Seras started blushing but she wasn't really sure why. Was she embarrassed because of her question, or because no matter how hard she tried she couldn't become closer to her master? Another mystery to add to the pile...

"Instruction manual? He doesn't have one. Now stop this foolishness and come with me, I have a job for you!"

"Job?" Alucard groaned.

"Yes, you honestly didn't think the vampires would just go away because Hellsing disbanded?"

"Well actually-"

"The vampires are returning from the shadows," Integra interrupted, "They see this as their chance to strike, now that our influence is weakened. Now come on, get in the car. You have work to do!"

Nobody moved.

Silence followed.

"NOW!" Integra roared. This time everyone ran outside and assembled on the lawn like a bunch of privates. They even threw in the obligatory (And by that I mean forced) salute. It seemed even the mighty immortal demon known as Alucard was afraid of the former head of the Hellsing Organisation, the imposing figure, Integra Wingates Hellsing. The no-nonsense commander strolled down the very short line of troops and studied them one by one. She seemed about to say something but resigned herself to keep quiet. She sighed and waved towards the car.

"Get in and hurry up!"

* * *

The drive was quite unusual. The constant roar of the engine had Alucard bawling like a little baby and rampantly clawing away at the seat in front of him in one of his most terrifying tantrums yet. Seras tried to console him with whispered reassurances but they did nothing to soothe his pain. Integra watched on curiously, seeing this as an opportunity to observe the relationship between the two undead creatures. It was like watching a nature documentary except without David Attenborough it was kind of lacking...

When the car finally pulled up outside a small warehouse Alucard stopped whining and just sagged back into his seat as if he had just been given a near overdose on sedatives. He even had that weird drugged up smile on his face. A firm slap from Sir Integra sure solved that though and the griping ghoul stepped out of the car and stood sluggishly to attention.

"Now," Integra instructed, "the vampire is hiding out in this warehouse. I want you to hunt him down and destroy him. I will keep watch on the entrance here. Walter shall guard the back door. You two shall search the inside of the warehouse and if you are unable to kill it, at least draw him outside where we can stop the little bastard! Is that understood?"

"Yes ma'am."

"No."

Alucard was slapped again.

"Move out!" Integra commanded.

Seras ran off ahead while Alucard plodded along like a mentally deficient ape with polio. It took some time for him to reach the door to the warehouse and longer still to get him to go inside. He begrudgingly went in after receiving another thunderous slap from his former master.

"Alright, I'll take the top floor and you search the bottom. Got it?" Seras explained.

Alucard stared at her for a moment and frowned. "No."

Seras explained again much more slowly, this time using overly exaggerated hand gestures. It was like trying to give an Asian tourist directions. When he finally got the gist of what she was saying (Hopefully) the police girl dashed up the stairs leaving the red-coat-killing machine down below.

Alucard searched for a minute or two and then grew tired, deciding to catch up on some sleep while the others were busy. It didn't take long for him to start yawning and his eyes to convulsively open and close until they were too heavy to hold up anymore. As his eyelids closed his breathing slowed and the great Nosferatu had a power nap.

...Until it was interrupted...

...By the very same vampire they were hunting...

Clawed hands wrapped around his throat and Alucard awoke with a start. He stared into the dead, lifeless eyes of his assailant and cursed, using his strength to throw the sneaky bastard across the room into the side of a boiler.

"Master! Quick shoot him!" A high pitched squeal came from above, echoing tenfold within Alucard's aching head.

"Argh! Loud, loud, loud!" he cried, grasping his head and sinking into a crouch.

"For god's sake master hurry!" Seras roared, only to elicit the same response from the big immortal child. She cursed under her breath and leapt over the railing, soaring down to land on top of one of the boilers. The resulting explosion clanging metal brought Alucard to the floor and once again he was crying, rolling about like a toddler having a tantrum in a shopping centre.

It seemed he was hopeless after all. Seras took matters into her own hands and aimed for the beast, but with incredible speed the vampire sank into the shadows, reappearing moments later beside her. One arm encircled her throat, holing it between the crook of his arm. The other raked across her abdomen, tearing her flesh and making her scream out in agony.

"MASTER! HELP ME!"

Alucard's head was spinning. He stared up at the source of all the noise and snarled.

_Dammit! Shut up! Stop making so much noise!_

It didn't stop. It seemed his subconscious will was not enough. The only way to bring quietude to this place and allow him to sleep would be to quickly end the hostile vampire and finish the mission. With that in mind Alucard rose to his feet and flashed his trademark toothy grin. Then he said in his bad-ass baritone, "Sorry, but you're just a piece of trash. You're a pathetic excuse for a vampire. So how about you just lay down and die!"

The vampire snarled at him, baring wicked fangs.

Alucard just smiled arrogantly, reached slowly into his coat and...

Fumbled around...

"Shit, hang on! Where is it? Where is my gun?"

"Master kill him! Quickly!"

Alucard was lost in his own little world, ravaging his deep pockets in search for his trusty Jackal. He patted himself down and frowned. "Grr...It has to be in here somewhere..."

"For god's sake please? It hurts!"

"Shut up Police Girl! You're not helping!" Alucard snapped in retaliation, quickly returning to searching for the missing firearm. His search once again ended empty handed but the great vampire soon got an idea.

"The car! I must have left it in the car!" He turned on his heels and ran off leaving Seras to cry out for him to return. "Hang on a second!" He called out to reassuringly, "I'll be right back!"

After a quick search of the car Alucard once again realised his gun was not where he thought it was. He stopped to think about his predicament, all the while the Police Girl's shrill screams billowed out from the warehouse.

"So, I had it with me at breakfast..." he murmured to himself, slowly recounting his morning. "Then I had it when I sat on the couch...And I took it out to shoot myself..." His voice was taking on a rising inflection as his revelation grew near, then he let out an exasperated sigh and announced rather proudly, "That's when I dropped it!" He basked in the glory of solving his personal mystery a while longer until reality dawned upon him.

"Oh shit, I left it at home..."

Alucard raced inside the warehouse and looked for Seras' gun. Unfortunately it was still up on top of the boiler, strapped to her back. The No-Life-King let out a rumbling curse and then scanned the room for another weapon.

In that state of distraction, the enemy vampire lunged at him, seeing an opening to slice open his throat and drink to his heart's content. Without even blinking, without even looking up, Alucard caught the creature by his snarling face and inadvertently crushed it in his iron grip. As he started to clean the cranial spewage from his favourite coat he realised, "Oh right! He was just a freak! I didn't even need my gun!" He let out a jolly laugh while Seras collapsed from blood loss.

* * *

Several hours later, the Police Girl approached her master calmly. She was bandaged up and had been given fresh blood to sustain herself. She would be fine. But first...

"Master?"

"Hmm?" Alucard mumbled, deeply immersed in a manga with a blood red cover and bearing the title: 'Hellsing'.

"I have a bone to pick with you." Seras whispered softly. Alucard ignored her. "You know, you left me for twenty minutes in that warehouse while that vampire attacked me."

"Well I killed him in the end didn't I? All's well that ends well."

"Yeah. You're right. Because Integra gave me a reward for my work today." Seras took out a small cylinder with a brightly coloured, funnel-shaped horn on top.

Alucard wasn't even looking, but for the sake of conversation he feigned interest. "Oh that's nice. What is it?"

She smiled ever so sweetly and squeezed the back of the funnel. A noise like a thousand fog horns erupted out of the tiny object and Alucard screamed in pain, his headaches still not past him. He rolled about on the floor crying while Seras nuzzled the strange object as if it were a fluffy little kitten.

"It's a soccer horn!"

* * *

And there you have it! Now the next chapter will be a very special one. It's been the second highest requested enemy so far and as a treat for following this morbid little crack story you shall be rewarded! For in the next chapter, Alucard's enemy shall be...Justin Beiber!


	18. Justin Beiber

**Enemy 15: Justin Beiber**

Be forewarned, this chapter is _EXTREMELY _violent. Unlike the Rebecca Black chapter, this has not been censored and I have kept in every brutal detail just for your amusement! So be nice and review! Enjoy!

* * *

Alucard and Seras had kissed and made up (Not literally of course, this isn't fangirl fiction) over their little dispute over their mission the other day. Now that the wounds had healed and Alucard's insomnia-related migraines had passed they were back to being an awkward little couple with unresolved sexual tension between them. A tense tranquillity had developed and their friendship had returned to its state before all the unpleasantness of their little fight.

Things were back to normal, or at least as normal as it was going to get...

* * *

Meanwhile somewhere in Canada, the quiet, sober little cousin of the USA, a pathetic young child was stirring. Under the pretence that he was busy, he got ready for a 'full' schedule of shamelessly exposing his mysteriously marketable yet talentless self to legions of mindless Disney-addicted slaves. Well since he couldn't possibly sing to save his uneventful and pointless life he might as well whore himself out to the adoring public.

But unlike several months ago, the hype around this bland little Canadian fairy-child with a voice like a diseased infantile vuvuzela had faded. The whole bigger than the Beatles story had stopped running and now the only airtime he got was on TMZ which is actually worse than not appearing on TV at all! The best way of combat his decline was to appear in Proactive infomercials and honestly that was a lower point that the non-stop TMZ coverage.

And even the cheap little magazines with his face plastered all over them had started to decline in sales. Those that hadn't been discontinued were now emblazoned with other no-hope stars like Miley Cyrus or Robert Pattinson.

Essentially, the abominable career of the arrogant little parasite was dying out. He needed to make a come-back and quick before he was over-taken by the likes of Edward Cullen again as top pansy in the imaginary world of pre-pubescent girls.

Several options presented themselves. One was a duet with Rebecca Black since she had become the biggest star in the world for her foolish attempt to undermine the music industry and infect it with her hideous presence. Unfortunately, according to Google she had been brutally murdered in her California home just a few days ago.

The next option was to write a new song, but he couldn't write songs! Hell his best attempt only had two words in them and one of those was an onomatopoeia. Also there were no newly washed up rappers looking for a desperate shot at the spot-light again. Thus that too was not a reality.

The only possible course of action then was...

* * *

"The Justin Beiber documentary is coming out this week!"

Alucard glared distastefully at the TV, as if he were watching SBS porn. A spoonful of beef stew hung just below his lips and remained there, most of it dripping back into the bowl while the ghoul held his place.

On-screen a hideous creature showed up. The image was even worse than a porngrind album cover (Seriously if you Google that you will never sleep again!) It looked like a cat killed in a hit and run had been hastily glued on top of an ugly little Canadian child's head and then an overdose of Botox and pure narcissism had been administered to it to produce the image of a teenage idol.

Alucard had to turn away lest he bring up his meal, and they were on a roll now! It had been several days since either of them had thrown up in this house. It would be a shame to break the winning streak.

Seras pushed her food away and made a disgusted face. "God! That kid is awful! I thought the world had forgotten about him."

"Do not worry! I shall spare this world the injustice..."

The TV conveniently blared out at that moment, "Now premiering! With Justin himself appearing to the London screening! Don't miss it!"

Alucard's fanged grin spread wide and he couldn't help but cock his gun. "Oh, I won't miss it!"

The fun hit a wall when Seras' maternal instincts kicked in. "Alucard what did I say about guns at the dinner table?"

The great demon turned to her and frowned, "Aw, but-"

"No buts master! Put it away! You can play with them after dinner."

"But-"

"Ah!" Seras raised her finger admonishingly and scowled. "Put the gun away and finish your stew."

Alucard looked down at his favourite toy, then to the Police Girl and then back to his toy. He flitted between the two for a moment before reluctantly putting the gun down. "Yes ma'am..." He muttered submissively, hanging his head low.

When dinner was finished Seras took the plates into the kitchen and called out to her immortal companion, "Ok! You can play with your toys now!"

Alucard drew his Jackal and fired into the air (Technically the ceiling but you get the idea...) and laughed maniacally.

"Ha ha ha! Tomorrow night, Justin Beiber shall die!"

* * *

Alucard did not sleep that night. He was too excited to sleep, like a little kid on Christmas Eve. He sat perched on the roof, his feet dangling over the edge while the tails of his elegant long coat whipped around him in the wind. He barely moved, just sitting there, silently watching and waiting, stroking his gun.

By sunrise there was a strange noise drifting from the middle of London. A piercing, screeching sound unlike anything humanly possible. Alucard's eyes narrowed and his lips parted to utter one word, dripping with venom, "Fangirls!" He closed his eyes and let out a deep sigh. "So...It is time!"

The great vampire king split apart into a cloud of bats which blanketed the sky. From his vantage point he could see the useless little animals herding around the movie theatres, tired policemen already erecting barrier fences and pushing them back. Such disgusting pitiful creatures. Fangirls were one of the first signs of the downfall of society. Vapid, narrow-minded parasites with brains dictated by their eyes...Eyes which were blind to reality.

Alucard hated them as much as the monsters they created. It was their fault and with their very existence the world would not be rid of the scum just yet. It was a never-ending cycle of bad taste and god-awful singing. One teen idol would consume them, take over the world, then they would fall and like a hideous, retarded phoenix it would rise again from the ashes of one dead career and create another.

"Fangirls!" Alucard snarled. He reformed down below in a narrow alleyway. He could see them lining the streets as if it were a parade. He cursed under his breath and chanted to himself. His body turned to a thick, viscous black fluid which congealed into millions and millions of insects. Centipedes, spiders, cockroaches...The creepiest of the crawlies. Alucard's combined army of the insect world marched into the streets, the scuttling rattle of their tiny feet on solid ground like a tinny, hyperactive war drum.

The fan-girls turned as one and screamed ion that feverishly high pitch. It only made the vampire madder and so he launched his attack. Vicious little bugs crawled up every leg, up every fleeting spine. Tiny jaws and pincers latched onto their foul-tasting flesh and dug in, enjoying a bountiful, if awful feast. The clacking of their tiny jaws almost matched their dying screams as the vapid little children of Disney were stripped (Don't get any wrong ideas! That's illegal!) Down to the bone, every tattered scrap of their worthless flesh consumed by the insectoid swarm. The violence culminated with the streets of London awash with blood. Skeletal remains littering the gore-choked gutters and drains. Mounds of the dead created road-blocks and anyone and anything caught within the area was instantly devoured.

When the deed was done Alucard reformed into his usual and equally creepy self. He dusted himself off and grinned, relishing in the destruction he had caused, yet the battle was far from over. This was just one street. There were others, just as bloated with these rabid little children who scream like epileptic Chihuahuas. And after that...The grand prize...Justin Beiber himself!

"This shall be fun!" The No-Life-King chuckled devilishly.

* * *

After a few hours of watching from the rooftops of a nearby office block Alucard was almost ready to have some more fun. The crowds had been condensed, meaning it would impossible for them to run. Perfect for the slaughter to come. The incapable Canadian C*** was on his way, supposedly already having touched down and riding in a limousine headed towards the theatre.

_Just a little longer...Soon my precious, soon..._

Alucard spoke telepathically with his gun (Because who hasn't wanted a pet Jackal that can spit fire and steel from its mouth?)

After a tense, everlasting couple of hours the dawn of chaos arrived. The sun shone in an unfittingly calm way, casting glorious warm rays of light on the doomed public. A white limousine rolled up outside the theatre and an envoy of guards assembled in a guard of honour outside. The door was opened for him and like a princess he was escorted out of the vehicle and led inside. The fan-girls tried to throw themselves at him, but being on average ten to twelve years old they couldn't jump very high. The barrier fences held them back while the guards unfolded and moved, half inside half out.

A red tape was held up over the door and the guards braced themselves for the inevitable tsunami of pint-sized pre-pubescent pests.

_NOW!_

Alucard descended from the rooftop like the angel of death, drawing his twin pistols slowly and gracefully. As soon as his feet touched ground his shoulders slumped and he smiled. He tilted his head just right to get the reflection off of his tinted sunnies to conceal his eyes.

Without a moment's hesitation and without anyone taking notice, he opened fire. The first bullet penetrated the back of one girl's head, erupting out of her forehead in a shower of cranial fragments, only to continue on through multiple others until finally embedding itself in another's spine. With each devastating shot the great vampire king cut a path through the weakened legions until he was in the eye of the storm.

In a fit of rage the fan-girls turned upon him in an attempt to stop him, only now had they realised his true intentions. Even as they fought as one Alucard easily dispatched them. A mere flick to the forehead crushed skulls and caused eyes to burst forth from their sockets. His fangs tore through immature bodies, rendering them limb from limb or head from shoulders. He emptied his silver pistol while disposing of the huge mob but there were still hundreds left. Alucard made careful aim with his next few shots, making sure to claim a baker's dozen with each heavy armour piercing round. A ticker tape parade of children's viscera rained down upon the glorious bloodbath and those that hadn't already been decimated fled in terror.

Even most of the guards had fled. The door was thinly guarded and those inside were completely unaware of the horrors occurring outside. The crimson-coated killer waded through the sea of gore and approached the handful of guards who raised their pistol in defence. They yelled demands at him but Alucard did not listen. He never listened.

"S-Stop right there!" one guard roared with the ferocity of a kitten. When Alucard ignored him he opened fire and the others followed suit. Alucard did not stop. He kept on walking even as his cheeks were torn free and his left eye pushed up into the back of his skull. His right arm hung by a single sliver of flesh which soon snapped, but the vampire did not yield.

He came within a few feet of the guards when he melted into a puddle of blood and liquefied tissue. The guard tried to flee but monstrously huge jaws opened wide and chomped down on them. The beastly demonic dog had its feed before Alucard returned to normal. After taking a little bit of time to adjust his hat he entered the building.

* * *

In the main theatre Justin Beiber was hovered over by a group of twenty or so guards. They had heard the gunshots and now a rescue helicopter had been called in. They would make their escape to the ceiling and then the young star would make his get-away while the loyal guards fought to the end.

They formed a protective shield around him as they made their way to the exit near the screen. It would lead to a separate hall which would the lead to the stairs to the roof. It was intended as a fire escape but it would do in this case and so they team marched forward.

Unfortunately for them, there was no escape. Alucard stepped out from the screen itself as if it were made of liquid. With a fanged smile he announced his presence and fired into the front-line of guards. Three men were killed or maimed in the one shot and the others panicked. In the split second of confusion Alucard pounced on them, clawing away at them and tearing them to shreds. He halved their security force by the time the others had made their retreat through the fire escape. Alucard hesitated a moment and took a drink from one of the dismembered corpses at his feet. It was always good to have a meal before a big battle, he had learned from his mistakes now. When he was satisfied he took pursuit.

The stairs were blocked off by a line of guards, all wielding pistols. They opened fire and Alucard took each bullet as if it were a mosquito bite. He chuckled madly and swiped his hand in a wide arc, slitting all four throats and decimating their line of defence. The final six guards and their somehow precious charge continued to flee up the stairs and out onto the ceiling. Alucard didn't even jog after them, instead taking a leisurely stroll up the stairs. Besides, his prey was cornered now.

* * *

Out on the rooftop the distant roar of a helicopter could be heard. It hovered over them and came in close, the pilot lowering a rope ladder. One guard went first, then the young star. The others waited on the ground.

The fearsome nosferatu kicked the thick steel fire door off its hinges and stepped out onto the roof. He fired one shot into the helicopter and the entire thing exploded, hailing steel debris down on those left alive.

In the end there were only two guards left to defend the boy and Alucard made short work of them, ripping out their throats with his bare hands.

Then it was just him and the boy...

"W-W-Who the...W-What are you?" the boy cried out in a shrill effeminate voice.

Alucard bowed gracefully and declared, "I am the sword of justice. I shall eradicate the vermin of this earth and rid humanity of its evils. I'm sure you heard of what happened to Rebecca Black?"

"I-It was...You?"

"No." Alucard snapped sarcastically.

"Oh...Then who was it?" The thick-headed fool asked.

Alucard fired a single shot into his abdomen, splitting his ribcage and forcing his organs to either be disintegrated or pushed up against his sides to make room for the great gaping hole in his torso. He made an oddly refreshing choking noise as a torrent of gushing red blood erupted from his song (read as bile) spewing mouth.

"I don't like fools," Alucard rasped, "I especially don't like fools who make a public spectacle out of their misguided attempts at stardom. You already infected the media with your tainted presence. I will not allow it to happen again. For the sake of humanity and good taste I will destroy you!"

"P-P-Please..." The boy couldn't finish his sentence. It didn't matter. It was good enough to the vampire king's ears.

Alucard grinned. "Ok then!" He grabbed Justin Beiber's unusually styled, dead cat hair and skull-dragged him to the edge of the roof. Then he jumped off, soaring through the air majestically with the bloodied Beiber trailing along. Alucard raised his hand and in doing so, the boy too. As he neared the ground he slammed the child's head down into the pavement with all the force he could muster, forcing his hollow head to explode into hundreds of thousands of little pieces.

Alucard rose to his feet and glared at him. "Your moment has passed!" He spat on the corpse and left it there as an example to the surviving fan-girls and to anyone who dared follow in his footsteps.

* * *

Well that was fun. Now that that filthy creature is properly disposed of there is not much left. Soon Alucard must face his greatest foe, his worst enemy, the most despised thing on the face of the earth! Can you guess who it is? Well no rush, it won't be happening for a while now. There are still a lot of enemies on the list and the highest requested enemy shall be saved for last. So till then keep reading and review!


	19. Dumped

**Enemy 16: Dumped**

It's another fairly serious chapter this time. Sorry if it's not dripping with hilarity like previous chapter but it's important in the set-up of the rest of the story (It may be a crack-fic but there is still a plot to this!) Enjoy!

* * *

The world was in an uproar. News of Justin Beiber's death had sent shock-waves throughout the millionaire record companies that had leached off of his undeserved wealth. They were furious, creating a media frenzy over the entire event. In fact it had even been caught on film. Numerous camera phones found amidst the desiccated, rotting liquefied mass of the dead little fan-girls had shown various hastily filmed depictions of a monster in a red coat descending upon them like an angel, only to whip out to oversized and unwieldy pistols and opening fire. The cameras would shake and the footage would become fuzzy and in the end the camera was dropped. There were hundreds of them, the evidence really piling up.

Seras was terrified, Alucard was calm as ever. He saw no reason to fear the authorities, not when he had done them a service. It was like community service, but instead of cleaning up a street he ended up soaking it in blood and the visceral spillage from mutilated pre-teens with terrible taste in music. Still the world was 'cleansed' in another way through Alucard's deplorably violent actions.

But Seras was afraid of the backlash. Her master had been caught on film! The footage had circulated the entire globe and now police and military the world over were searching for this 'demon'.

"Master, you cannot leave this house!" Seras cried, "Not until this whole thing blows over!"

"Very well," Alucard grinned, "I shall wait fifteen minutes, that should be about enough time."

"I'm being serious!" she screamed. "You've gone too far with this! Sure, that stupid kid deserved to die...But you wiped out thousands of people! Even the military! Even innocent bystanders who weren't even involved! You killed everyone and everything in a two kilometre radius!"

"A new record." Alucard beamed.

Seras slapped him.

The shock registered on Alucard's face and his eyes were wide behind his tinted sunglasses. He placed a hand over his bright red cheek and the other clenched into a fist. "Police Girl...You dare lay a hand upon me?"

"You're acting like a fucking idiot! You don't even see how serious this is and you're still stuffing around like a fucking toddler! This is awful! Do you understand how much trouble you, me and even Miss Hellsing are in now?"

Alucard glared at her, his fangs showing behind his curled up lips.

"Miss Hellsing is probably being arrested right now as we speak! There are soldiers prowling the streets, in search of you! Who knows when they will trace you back to this place and then they'll take us both away!"

"No they won't. Anyone who threatens my master, myself or my comrades will be slain."

"You can't solve everything by killing people! In the many centuries you've lived on this earth who can you still not understand something so fucking simple?"

"Well then you can persuade them to leave then."

"No!" Seras folded her arms. "I'm sick and tired of cleaning up after you! I'm not your fucking slave! I'm done bailing you out!"

"What are you saying?" Alucard asked, appearing utterly reserved and calm as he did so.

"What am I saying? God! Get it through your thick fucking skull! I'm done! You hear me? Done! I'm no longer your student! Do you understand? I'm through being treated like shit while you go around destroying London! I'm sick of being embarrassed everywhere I go! I'm sick of you and your smug fucking smile! Just like Miss Integra left you, so am I! For once I actually agree with that stupid-"

Alucard's calm vanished and he rose with imperceptible speed, grabbing Seras by her collar and lifting her up against the wall. He slammed her against it so hard that it splintered under the impact.

"Police Girl..." he snarled so deep and chilling that the very air became cold. "Don't you ever speak about my master like that! If you ever speak against my master again I will take your head!"

Seras glared at him, her eyes blazing with rage. The two stared at each other and Alucard lowered her. As soon as her feet touched solid ground Seras swatted his hands away from her throat and stormed off.

Alucard stood motionless, completely silent.

The police girl returned from upstairs with a suitcase hastily packed. She stuffed a pile of folded shirts into the already crammed full case and hurled it towards the door, cursing under her breath all the while.

"You know I used to feel sorry for you. I thought you were just a misunderstood creature, that you needed to be shown how the world worked. I thought I could help you..."

Alucard chuckled mockingly, "A beast such as I cannot be tamed."

"Oh get over yourself!" She stuffed more items into her bag and then tried to lift it. "You are nothing more than a monster! A vicious blood-sucking monster!" She struggled with the heavy bag and limped awkwardly over to the front door.

Alucard noticed her discomfort and offered a hand. "Need any help with that?"

"Not from you!" Seras screamed, throwing herself at the door. She stumbled outside and clung onto the door frame. She leaned back inside for a moment and glared at her former master. "Goodbye Alucard."

The door slammed.

Alucard was unsure what to say. He looked around for a while and then he sat down on the edge of the couch, leaning his body forward and balancing his forearms on his thighs. The great vampire stared down at his feet and sighed.

Despite being a solitary hunter, an unsociable monster and a one-man army...He suddenly felt alone...

He wasn't sure what to do now. He stared at his hands and then to his Jackal which was resting on the coffee table. He saw his stunned reflection in the cold black steel and closed his eyes. Alucard grit his teeth and snarled.

"I...Am a monster...I solve my problems by killing..."

He picked up his gun and glanced out the window. He felt a surge of hatred he had not felt in so long. It burned within him, made him yearn for fresh blood, to feel the ecstasy of warm blood being spilled. He wanted to burn the city down. He wanted to tear them apart. Wanted to destroy them all!

No-one would ever stop him! He had meant what he said earlier.

"_**Anyone who threatens my master, myself or my comrades will be slain."**_

* * *

And with Seras' departure, Alucard is blinded with rage. Some people don't handle being dumped very well. Alucard is most certainly one of them. Next chapter, Alucard's ultimate rampage against society! No-one is safe! Nothing is off-limits. Alucard shall exterminate with extreme prejudice! Don't miss it!


	20. Society is Scum

**Enemy 17: Society=Scum**

_**-The weak-**_

A deceptively sunny day greeted the unwary citizens of London on one fateful morning. Little did the people realise that some very strange things were about to happen. A maelstrom of unimaginable carnage awaited the citizens of the bustling streets and quaint little villages. All of them were unprepared, but so were those responsible. Little did they know that their actions would bring about the violent death of so many people.

One such catalyst, Miss Seras Victoria, trudged down one of the busy London streets, lugging her overstuffed suit-case behind her. She grumbled irate curses under her breath as she weaved through the crowded foot-paths towards a nice hotel (Nice still isn't much when you're talking about hotels...But whatever, she was in a rush!)

She rounded past a group of loitering teens and past a packed bus stop. She struggled to get through the bustling mob of humans and amidst her journey through the sea of human flesh her case was knocked to the ground. She let out a cry of alarm as the suit-case's bulging latches snapped and a pile of her underwear spilled out onto the pavement before so very many watching eyes.

She screamed and instantly her face went red, especially at the sight of the teddy print panties which landed on someone's foot. The rage within her subsided partially in the wake of embarrassment and she hurriedly tried to stuff everything back into the obese suit-case. Several passers-by stooped down to help her, but all of them were men and all of them seemed more interesting in playing with her scattered bras and panties than actually helping her. They stared, they laughed, they wolf-whistled and they pissed her off.

When everything was back in the case and she had lost just about every shred of dignity she ever had, Seras rushed off to the hotel only a few blocks away.

She dragged herself up to her room and opened the door. It smelled like cheap air-freshener, the kind that is more suited to a bathroom than a bedroom. She sighed and collapsed onto the bed, only to shoot back up again and study the blankets. She scanned the dull yellow blanket for...Uh...Sailors...and when her search turned up empty she fell back into it again. This would do her just fine for now. The pool was free of any dead bodies and the semen stains on the bed were at least undetectable without a UV light.

Still the thought of such things disturbed her and so she decided to clear her head with a walk.

* * *

Alucard descended upon London with his fangs bared. He kept his guns hidden for now, but he could feel the urge to kill boiling up within him. Just like that itch that never goes away, he knew at some point he would have to shoot something...And that something would die!

He passed down a main street, but the sight of so many people irritated him and so he decided to duck down a narrow back alley. The stone path reminded him of times gone past and he became absorbed in his own memories of battle and glory. He could have cured his predicament with such memories, but his thoughts were interrupted by a rather irritating young man who seemed to be hiding from the sun.

The lad's skin was an ugly pale colour and his pudgy face was covered in bright freckles. His ears and nose were a light shade of reddish pink and his short hair was strikingly orange. The boy screamed at the sight of Alucard, waking him from his day-dreams.

"Huh? What?" Alucard looked around, dazed and confused. When he saw the boy he scowled. "Oh...What does a stupid ginger haired runt want with me?"

The boy made an angry face, but he still looked like a cheap clown. "Don't call me a ginger!"

Alucard kept walking, not interested in the boy, "Whatever, Ginger."

"I said don't call me a ginger!"

"Whatever," Alucard repeated in his cold monotone, "I only protect people with souls. I have no business with you."

"GINGERS DO HAVE SOULS!"

Alucard stopped dead in his tracks. Without turning around he uttered menacingly, "What?"

The fat ginger stepped forward bravely. "You don't know who has a soul and who doesn't! You aren't God!"

"Do I look like I care?" Alucard snarled. "Unlike you I have things to do, so shut your mouth and go hide from the sun!"

"Oh, ha ha ha ha!" The boy replied in a shrill tone. "Fuck you!" He snapped.

Alucard turned to face him now, slowly, dreadfully slowly. "Say that again?"

"Fuck you! For real! I'm sick and tired of being picked on for having red hair!"

Alucard's face twitched and suddenly he was smiling. "Really?"

"Yeah! It pisses me off! I have red hair and I'm proud of it! I'm no different from you or anyone else!"

Alucard chuckled devilishly, "Oh trust me...You are."

"No I'm not!"

Alucard drew his Jackal. "Yes you are different. Because you're going to be a pile of red meat in a couple of seconds." Alucard's smile then was criminal (Yet slightly handsome)

The fat ginger faggot raised his hands in defence, "Whoa, I never meant to offend you..."

"Don't worry, you didn't offend me. I'm just having a bad day." Alucard pulled the trigger and watched on as the ginger's scalp exploded into hundreds of tiny pieces. No doubt his soul would be released into- Oh hang on he's a ginger! He doesn't have a soul! Never mind...

Alucard felt somewhat better, but he was still angry. He still desired more, to feel the high he could only get from the death of an enemy...And that just meant he'd have to find more enemies!

And it was around that time that he saw a double decker bus rolling along the side of the road, a great big poster advertising Gordie Shore on its side...

* * *

Seras felt ashamed as she stepped outside into public once again. The image of her pink teddy-print panties kept on flashing up in the back of her mind. She cradled her head in her hands and strolled off as quickly as she could. She kept on looking behind her, half expecting people to be pointing at her and laughing behind her back. Unfortunately they hadn't laughed until she absent-mindedly tripped over on a homeless man curled up against a store-front window.

Face planting on the pavement hurts, but face-planting against a hobo's gristly unkempt beard is just as painful. Seras sat up and rubbed her chin which had somehow gotten carpet burn and multiple scratched from the man's wiry facial hair.

"Oh god, I'm so sorry! I wasn't looking where I was going and-" The man shook his head and held out a hand expectantly. Seras stared at him for a moment until it sank in. "Huh? Oh you want change! Sure, that's the least I can do." The Police Girl fished around inside her pockets and placed several coins in his grimy hand.

"Once again, I'm sorry." Seras mumbled as she hastily got to her feet and walked off. After rounding a corner and crossing the road she felt a light tap on her shoulder. She spun around to face the same homeless person from before. He held out his hand again and tried to put on a sad face, but it was hidden behind a mop of curly grey hair.

"Hey, I already said I was sorry. And besides, I don't have any more money on me." She turned around and kept walking. She power walked around the block and then into the next street. She entered a small cafe and got something to drink. The coffee singed her throat but it was a welcome relief. She felt relaxed for the first time in a while.

On her way out she began contemplating how she had reacted to Alucard's behaviour. She closed her eyes and sighed.

_Damn...Was I too harsh on him? No! He needed to learn his lesson. If I just kept on enabling him he would never learn! Besides, he never appreciated me! Alucard is a complete ass-hole -_

Another tap on the shoulder. Again, it was the very same homeless person, offering his hand out once more. "What? I don't owe you any more! I gave you money already so leave me alone!"

He just stared at her silently, the beady round eyes lost between the cob-webs of untended hair piercing through her. Seras shook her head and walked off again. As she looked over her shoulder she saw him trailing along behind her. She cursed under her breath and started to run, bolting several blocks and into a main shopping district.

Seras hunched over and panted, breathless from her cross-country escape route. But just as she straightened up and moved to leave, a dirty, bony finger tapped her on the shoulder. She didn't need to turn around this time; she could recognise his fetid stench of burnt garbage and stale McDonalds. A vein popped up on her forehead and her shoulders rose up to her ears. Her hands clenched into tight fists and she swore steam was bursting out of her ears.

"Oh my god! What is wrong with you? Go hassle someone else for money! Go get a job or something! Just leave me alone!

She struggled to compose herself, to restrain her anger and refrain from-

"Got any spare change?"

Seras lost it.

"I said leave me alone you stupid tramp!" The former police officer spun on her heels, using the momentum to guide her fist and bury it into the homeless man's face with a devastating right hook. Scarlet spittle and yellow teeth spat out from his discoloured gums and the disadvantaged old man dropped like a sack of bricks.

He didn't get up again. He didn't move either.

Seras realised what she had done and ran off, hoping that no-one had seen what she had done.

But someone did see it...And they were mad!

* * *

Well now, Alucard has killed the ginger kid and set his sights on the cast of Gordie Shore. There's plenty more fun to be had in the next chapter as Alucard's rage against society continues! Don't miss it!


	21. The Deluded

**Enemy 18: Society=Scum (The Deluded)**

Well it's about time to offend a few more social groups with some crack-filled mayhem! If I offend you, well...That was bound to happen sometime, congratulations. Now enjoy and review!

* * *

The tightly packed streets of Newcastle carried an air smelling of the sea, though that was quite far off, the ocean's water drifted in down the mighty river Tyne that ran though there. But beneath that intoxicating scent of the salty waters of the river, a pungent stench of hair products and excessive deodorants rotted the air.

The people seemed mostly the same as anywhere else in England...Nothing much out of the ordinary, except for a few people. A select few who had become the latest entertainment craze amongst the brain-dead youth around the world.

There was something terribly off about these people. Geordies... The word alone was nauseating, sounding like a degenerative fungal disease rather than a sub-species of human. But all over Newcastle (Theirs not mine.) swarms of young Neanderthals were staggering towards bars and clubs with horrendously fake girls clinging to them. Their fake tans were so thick it formed a third layer of skin around their silicon implanted breasts which were barely contained within ill-fitting shirts.

It would have been great if they were real women, but these 'girls' were just plastic tarts. As attractive as a blow-up doll. The only reason men were throwing themselves at them was because of the dangerously elevated alcohol content swimming about in their veins.

The men were equally distasteful. The idea of clothes had not truly sunk into their heads so they walked around almost as naked as when they were born. Oiled up musculature, layered with thick applications of fake tan and then more oil served as their shirts. Their pants desperately clung to their assess, struggling to stay up but losing an uphill battle. But they didn't care. To have so many eyes falling upon their supposedly well-sculpted bodies was just another way of stroking their immensely undeserved egos.

An eventful life of metrosexual obsessiveness, getting mottled and then fighting swarms of like-minded people in no-holds-barred brawls with no real purpose. Feeding frenzies of spastic punches and body shots consumed their 'lives' all the while camera phones recorded every move.

But more recently, actual cameras were following these misguided missing links between ape and man. Real TV crews were documenting them as if they were the most interesting people on the planet. The world of teenagers had never been more pointless and stupid. But somehow it made good television.

With the violent and abrupt deaths of former teen idols such as Rebecca Black and Justin Beiber the title was once again ready to be claimed. Someone needed to become an unrealistic idol for the next generation of children...children with parents...parents with money. And so the gang on Geordie Shore tried their best to bring an enlightening educational experience for the children and Bogans of the world.

But Alucard had other plans. His rage at being abandoned brought him to despise this world and everything it stood for. He had fought for long centuries protecting those he deemed worthy enough to be called 'master' and yet no matter what, the world always worked against him. Vampires still plagued the earth. The people never thanked him, never mad his job worthwhile. The stared, they screamed, they attacked, but they never appreciated the lengths he had gone to, all in the name of his master.

And so Alucard wanted to pay them back. This world was corrupt. The weak no longer hid, they had voices and the deluded fools gained power and followers for their empty causes. They did not deserve to be protected, to be saved! And so Alucard decided it was about time to show them the true wrath of a vampire. They would learn to respect and fear him or they would all die!

He decided to destroy another public figure. The world would witness the great demon Alucard once again as he destroyed another figure-head in the media-dominated modern world. The fear would spread and then they would either beg for forgiveness or fight back. That would be the really fun part! Alucard couldn't wait!

And so he rushed to Newcastle and prepared to flood the River Tyne with the dismembered corpses of the dead and bring about a new age of darkness!

* * *

Seras spent the next few hours in a dingy bar down-town. She needed something strong enough to drown away the fact that she had killed a defenceless homeless person. She didn't understand how in the Hell Alucard could just walk away from such things with a smile. She felt terrible for it, well not completely. She wasn't that concerned, but she feared retribution for her crime.

And so she sat at a lop-sided stool in the dirty little pub, gulping down a pint of lager in less than thirty seconds and then slamming the glass against the bar. People looked over to her and some stared, but most realised that was a common occurrence around these parts and so they turned away. Seras couldn't stand their stares. She could feel them boring into her back and so she stepped outside (After paying of course. She was already a murderer but she wasn't going to add theft to her list of offences...Yet...)

The air outside was cold and the young vampiress couldn't help but shiver, releasing a soft moan as her body convulsed from the cold. That was when she noticed them...It was also when they noticed her.

_Oh fuck...Just speed up and don't look at them! Maybe they didn't notice?_

But they did. They noticed the sweet lonely blonde woman as she stumbled out of the bar. All four of them did. Seras felt their gazes wandering over her body from head to toe (Well not really, they mainly concentrated on the middle area...) and cursed. She wasn't in the mood for another confrontation and so she crossed over to the other side of the road, opposite the gang of bleached white douche-bags pretending to be black.

She sped up, walking quickly, but not fast enough to be in an obvious hurry. She kept her head low and moved away, but they started to trail along behind her. They jogged up beside her and then formed a semi-circle around the poor police girl, trapping her within a wall of body-odour and ugly children.

"Yo, yo, yo baby. Where you headed in such a hurry?" The 'alpha male' of the gang asked while swinging his hands around like a clown. He wore an ill-fitting basketball jersey and shorts which were hanging down on his knees. A cheap gold chain dangled from his neck with a small plate in the centre inscribed with the words, 'Pla Boy'. Seras resisted the urge to groan and instead just closed her eyes.

"Look I have an appointment. I'm running late so if you don't mind-"

The leader struck his arm out in front of her and placed his hand on the wall. He leaned against it heavily and blocked the way forward for the police girl. "Whoa girl, slow your roll. We ain't done wit-chu yet."

"If you want a chew toy go buy a hooker. I don't have time to waste on a loser like you."

"Ho-ho! Dis niggaz got fangs!" the leader laughed mockingly.

Seras rolled her eyes and stepped to the side, only to be surrounded by the others. The formed a wall around her and blocked her in. The leader placed a hand against her cheek and Seras felt a strong urge to bite him and chew a couple of fingers off.

"So you doing anything later, babe?"

She rolled her eyes and sighed. "I already told you I have an appointment."

"An appointment huh? I get it. So how much?" The leader looked to his brain-dead gang and they all laughed like a pack of mentally deficient hyenas. Seras just closed her eyes and tried to calm herself down before she became homicidal. Unfortunately, in the middle of her tranquil meditation the alpha male shoved a wad of bills down her top. Her eyes shot open and she glared at his smugly smirking face. "That enough for a round or two?"

The alpha male was still leaning against the wall when Seras swept her leg out to one side and brought it around and behind his knees. She knocked his feet out from under him and the worthless wigger dropped like a bag of sand.

The others fell upon her in an instant, reaching for flick-knives, brass knuckles and one of them for a pistol. Seras spun back on her heel and stuck her fist out, using the momentum to deal a heavy back-hand to the fool with the gun. His weapon went flying through the air and he staggered backwards into a dumpster.

The boy with brass knuckles moved in close, taking up a rigid boxing stance that he probably learned from a video game. He swung a weak hook which Seras ducked under with ease. She then threw a fierce uppercut into his sternum. She felt bones cracking and organs being crushed under the tremendous, superhuman force behind her attack.

The knife wielder thrust at her back but the Police Girl twirled to the side and caught his wrist. She then pushed her weight into him and lifted him up off of his feet. The wigger screamed in panic as he was thrown into the brick wall which became painted in the dark red splattering of his cracked skull.

The disarmed gunman came back in for another attempt to bring the draculina down but Seras effortlessly stepped past him and raised him up by the throat. She delivered a devastating choke-slam which made mince-meat of his already minuscule brain.

By now the leader had found his legs and was back on his feet, but now he had the gun. With shaking hands he held the pistol on its side and hurled abuse and threats to her, but Seras was oblivious to his childishness now.

"Did you enjoy round one?" Seras snarled, "I promise you'll get your money's worth!"

"Shut it, bitch! I'll bust a cap in your god-damn ass!"

Seras grinned menacingly, "Oh yeah? Just you try it."

The wigger pulled the trigger (Ha that rhymes!)

There was a blur of movement.

The wigger suddenly collapsed, his head detaching from his shoulders. Seras rose from her crouch behind the bastard and licked the blood from her finger-nails. She suddenly felt something strange. It had dawned on her then, that...That she had just taken pleasure out of taking (Sub)human lives. Was this what Alucard felt? No wonder he was so violent. Seras had never felt such a thrill since...Well since she was with her master...

Seras glanced up at the sky and frowned.

_Master..._

* * *

Speaking of which, Alucard stood outside a popular Newcastle nightclub. He studied the flashing neon lights and listened to the thumping noises coming from the over-sized speakers inside. He cocked his Jackal and then he stepped inside.

In an instant all five senses were assaulted. Bright flashing lights (Perfect for triggering an epileptic fit) blazed across a hazy dance-floor, while hideously ugly people writhed about like fish on dry land with barely anything covering their artificially tanned flesh. The generously labelled 'music' was a retardedly repetitive thumping noise, like a hyperactive pacemaker with a few synthesiser notes behind it. And throughout it all a pungent duel was being fought between sweat and deodorants.

Alucard lifted his sleeve to his face and covered his nose while he hissed menacingly. The music was too loud for his warning to be heard but that meant nothing to him. It was more fun with the element of surprise.

The No-Life-King waded through the dance-floor, evading drunken whores who threw themselves at him in booze-induced heat. On his way a young man shuffled his way into his path, but Alucard did not stop. The two bumped into each other and the man whirled around with a fist clenched.

"Hey! Watch where you're going you-" He didn't finish the sentence. Alucard timed the shot perfectly so that it rang out with one of the excessively loud beats. No-one payed any heed as a bloody mist sprayed out from the young fool who collapsed under-foot, merely to be trampled by women in high heels.

Alucard strolled off casually, following a scent most foul. He reached the bar and scanned his surroundings, spotting the cameras around one of the booths in the corner. He watched curiously, the predator observing it's prey, waiting for the right moment. But his instinctual ritual was interrupted by a nauseating, campy voice.

"Hello handsome. Want something to drink."

Alucard did not turn around as he murmured, "I am not a lady," to the confused male.

"I know. So do you want a drink?" The fool persisted.

"Silence!" Alucard snarled at him, baring his vicious fangs.

"Nice fangs sweetie. I hope you don't bite too hard! Haha ha ha!"

Alucard glared down at the young man standing beside him. His voice was awfully effeminate for a male (Either that or he was a really strange lesbian.) The great vampire gave him a piercing stare and growled, "Are you not afraid of me?"

Rather than become alarmed, the boy just laughed his noisy, nasal squawking laugh. "So you're into twilight too huh? Well I'm hard for twi-hards! Haha ha ha!"

"Grr, Silence you lowly insect!" the demon howled.

"Ooh, hard to get! I'm liking you more and more."

"I'm warning you," Alucard began.

"Wanna dance?" The boy grabbed Alucard's sleeve. In an instant Alucard vanished from sight, reappearing behind the suddenly frightened faggot, his lips smeared in crimson. The boy stood rigid for a few seconds and then his body fell apart, splitting into several pieces. His head rolled across the bar like an obscene soccer ball before dropping down onto the floor.

Fortunately, the bar was pretty much abandoned at that point so no-one took notice of the violence. Instead the Neanderthals were drawn to a different scene of blood-shed. A brawl was raging around the corner booth and the cameramen were scuttling about like ants in search of the best shot.

Alucard strolled right into the thick of the fighting as if nothing was wrong. He took the punches and kicks and broken glasses and kept on going until he was right in the eye of the storm, the epicentre of the brawl. He took a deep breath and then-

"AAAAAAAAAARRRRRGHH!"

"Oh God! Help me!"

"What the fuck is that thing?"

"My legs! My fucking legs!"

"Run!"

"Get out now!"

"What's happening?"

Dozens of corpses piled up around the blood-spattered vampire. Alucard wiped his mouth and chuckled devilishly. It started as a low rumbling giggle and escalated into body-racking howls of maddening mirth. Alucard howled as the injured dragged themselves away and panicking clubbers trampled over them in their haste to escape.

Some people however were trapped, namely, those stuck in the corner booth. Alucard stood right in front of the booth, his blazing red eyes settling upon the three girls huddled together in the corner, sweat and tears causing their fake tans to run. One girl was trembling so fervently that her implanted mammaries were just about leaping out of her top. The girl on her left looked around confused and whispered uncertainly, "Is this really happening? I must be royally mottled!" The one on the right was sculling a bottle of vodka, most likely to knock herself out before she died.

Alucard let out a contented sigh and bowed. "Good evening ladies. I trust you are having a pleasant night?"

"Y-You killed them...You killed Gary and Jay and Greg and-"

"This wasn't in the contract!" Holly cried. "You lied to us MTV! You fucking lied!"

Alucard stroked the frightened girl's cheek and she suddenly went stiff. Alucard gazed at her almost sympathetically and whispered, "Be still, dear child."

Holly stared at him with wide eyes. "G-g-g-get t-the f-fuck off of m-me!" She tried to swat away at his arm but Alucard's gloved hand enclosed around her face and clenched shut like an industrial vice. Her head shattered like a watermelon on a Japanese beach, drenching her friends in her thick viscous blood and squishy brain matter. They screamed, high piercing screams, but not for long.

Alucard fired twice. Two thuds followed...

And then he laughed...

* * *

Not much more to go! Keep on reviewing and help Alucard out as he finishes his enemy list.


	22. Downfall of Society

**Enemy 19: Downfall of Humanity**

Warning: This chapter contains slight racism and may cause offence, but you should be used to that by now! Enjoy!

Society's ills had been slowly given birth by numerous people. The downfall of society had been caused by the uprising of the ill of mind and body. Worthless creatures, undeserving of their lives had stirred from the shadows and become powerful, giving rise to the weak, the stupid, the gullible and the pathetic. Political correctness brought them further power and prevented them from being shunned and instead being empowered.

But no more. One by one, Alucard was tearing modern society apart. The minions were dead and gone and now the instigators were in his sights. The scum who had infested the world with their parasitic ideals. They had created a culture of stupidity and the great vampire had grown sick of it. Sick of the world that had changed so much and abandoned him.

There was no need to adapt to this modern world, he would simply destroy it and bring humanity back into the dark ages! That was the easy way! That was the Hellsing way!

* * *

Somewhere in the Holy City of the Vatican, a paladin was stirring, called forth to face his holiness, the pope. The priest with sandy blonde hair approached the throne of the withering old man. He bowed before him and lowered his head.

"My holiness. You summoned me?"

The pope moaned a ghostly reply, "Anderson...You must...Kill the demon ravaging London. The Lord wills it."

"If our lord in Heaven has decreed it, then I shall destroy the demon."

"Good...Maxwell will brief you on your mission. Make haste, Anderson."

"Very well. I shall not disappoint you father." Alexander Anderson rose to his feet and returned to the hall outside. Maxwell was already waiting for him, a devilish grin planted upon his face.

* * *

On her way back to the hotel Seras was constantly reminded of the crimes she had committed. Police cars were scuttling about all over town like ants. Every time she heard their sirens she would panic and run off to hide in an alley or inside a store. It was on one of these instinctual escape routes that Seras bumped into an old foe...

Well sort of.

A gang of young men with skin coloured like chocolate were crowded in another of London's cobblestone alley-ways. They were trying to dance, though their movements made them look like they were struggling through an epileptic fit and trying to wipe their feet simultaneously. They were also making noise...Nauseating noises.

At first it sounded like Dr Seuss in a garbage can rolling down a hill, but then it dawned on the young police girl that there was a boom box in the centre of their cramped little circle spouting out bland hip hop. They were trying to rap along with the lame poorly constructed tunes while dancing their strange dance.

Seras watched on curiously in the same way a small child watches apes at the zoo smear faeces on themselves, disgusted, but amused.

"Those filthy animals...I mean niggers- No wait...I was right the first time."

The entire gang suddenly turned as one to face her, their wide glaring eyes sticking out from the darkness around them. Seras realised that her last thought had actually just been uttered out loud...Loud enough for them to hear not only the n-word but also her spot-on description (Accurate but still very offensive.)

"What did you just say?" one of them snarled.

"Sounds like this bitch wants us to stomp her ass!" another howled.

Seras backed away but only managed to hit a wall. The wall however felt a little bit too soft to be bricks. Seras turned around to face a solid wall of caramel-coloured cretins.

_Oh shit, you've done it now! Way to go Seras! You're going to be raped and killed by a bunch of pig-headed Neanderthals! And I didn't even get to apologise to my master..._

One of the bulkier members of the group strode confidently towards her, limping slightly in a weird pimp walk. He grabbed her chin and tilted her head from side to side as he examined her. She noticed his eyes drift down slightly and then widen.

"Whoa brother, this bitch has got some sweet ass tits!"

Seras was groped from behind.

"Ha. And her ass is damn fine too!"

She cursed under her breath. She had no choice. She would have to fight her way out. She couldn't die yet! Not while she still hadn't finished what she'd started.

"Hey baby. Hows about we forget that shit you said earlier?"

"Fine." Seras spat.

"Alright then. We'll forget what you said about me and my brotha's if you let me ride that sweet fat ass of yours until you're limpin'!"

They all cracked up laughing, howling like hyenas on heat and several hands reached all over her body. Seras clenched her fists and was about to shatter some skulls when a blade was pressed not only against her throat, but another against her spine. She tried to shrink away from the weapons but she was trapped. Any movement would bring her close to death. She was helpless. She really was going to die!

Tears welled in the corner of her eyes as her uniform was slowly unbuttoned. She closed her eyes fought back the shame that threatened to consume her. The poor police girl braced herself for worse things to come...

And that was when she heard it...A sound like thunder. A blinding light she could see even through closed eyelids. It was a gunshot, but a gunshot she knew all too well. Only one weapon on Earth could cause such wrath. It had to be-

"Master?"

A red angel dropped down from the sky amidst the crowd of darkness. They whirled upon the intruder and sought to destroy the graceful beast, but this beast was unlike any other. Two hands shot out like spears and impaled the two closest thugs. The others quickly crowded around him and drew knives and guns and any other weapon they could find. The mass of black bodies blotted out the shining red star that was Alucard and for a moment everything was still.

Seras let out a yelp of fear, her voice cracking from the tears which suddenly gushed down her pale cheeks. She dropped to her knees and sobbed as the gang decimated the great vampire. Meanwhile, the leader of the thugs resumed his business and started to unbuckle his belt.

In a fit of rage Seras sank her fangs into his leg, shearing a chunk the size of a rump steak from his thigh. The leader screamed in agony and as he fell Seras pounced, clawing at his face, tearing him apart.

The rest of the gang left the dismembered corpse of the intruder behind, leaving it to fester in the mouldy gutter while they turned their attention back on the young girl. As they stepped towards her however many of them suddenly became skewered on formless spears of red light.

Sickening laughter echoed throughout the entire town and those that were left standing felt chills run down their spines and freezing their blood mid-stream. Their hearts seemed to stop and all of them looked around nervously, unable to find the enemy.

Those that were skewered were carved up further and consumed by ravenous dogs which seemed to rise up from the earth which had been coated in a thick congealing pool of crimson. The terrified niggers shot at anything and everything, desperate to protect their worthless lives, but it was to no avail.

From the puddles rose a blood-spattered demon, a monster with blazing red eyes and wild, flowing locks of abyssal black hair. Alucard spread his unnaturally bent and twisted arms wide and howled with insane laughter. Wicked fangs dripping with saliva protruded from his lips which had curled back into a menacing snarl.

"She...Is..._**MA GURL!**_"

Alucard pounced with speed so unimaginably fast that before his movements were even noticeable to the naked eye, he had already cut a path through the gollywog gang and rendered them all mutilated corpses.

Blood rained down upon the reunited vampires and their eyes met. It all felt strange. Seras couldn't find the right words and so she just stared up at him with her mouth open in a great big 'O' and eyes as wide as golf balls.

Alucard glared down at her. His untamed hair flowed down over his face, the blazing suns of his eyes glowing through the sparse covering of bloodied strands. "Police Girl..." He rasped, his voice immense, powerful and terrifying.

"M-Master..."

"Your actions earlier were uncalled for. You have caused me great pain."

That sentence sounded utterly wrong coming from him. Seras shook her head, certain she had misheard him.

"Nevertheless, I have decided...That I need you..."

Seras swooned. She literally fell head over heels, landing in an unsightly heap before her master. Her shirt incidentally fell open with her sudden fall and unwittingly exposed her well-endowed chest to the big red giant who visibly stiffened at the sight.

Seras gasped and tried to cover herself up by crossing her arms over her ample bosom, noticing out of the corner of her eye the No-Life King wiping sweat from his brow and letting out a gust of steam from his mouth. He might have had a nosebleed, but it was impossible to tell if it was his or the blood of one of the many mince-meat gangstas rotting in putrescence around them.

"I...I need you Seras..." Alucard re-iterated. The very fact that he said her name made the girl feel faint again. Her cheeks blushed bright red and she almost threw herself at him until-

"To cook and clean the house for me."

…

"What?"

Alucard bowed, "Please?

Seras just stared at him, a vein popping up on her forehead and growing until it was about to burst. "WHAT?" She screamed, throwing her arms out behind her back and once again exposing herself. In her slight absence of coverage Alucard became prone to stare once again and even after she buttoned her uniform up again his eyes were still stranded.

"One day you will have to show what those are for." Alucard muttered.

Seras' cheeks went green and she threw up in a dumpster.

Everything was back to normal again...

Until...

"Stop right there, man!" a croaky male voice sputtered out of a shitty old megaphone. "We've finally got you cornered you monster!"

Seras' eyes narrowed and Alucard tensed up. Did they know their secret? How?

"I saw what you did to those endangered monkeys! That's cruelty against animals!"

Nope, their secret was safe...It was PETA again...

* * *

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals have finally caught onto Alucard's trail! And even worse, Alexander Anderson is on his way to deal with him too! Alucard will have his hands full in the next chapter! Don't miss it!

Please review!


	23. Religion

**Enemy 20: Religion**

Remember kids; If I offend you, then build a bridge and get the fuck over it! But seriously this chapter contains extreme violence, and will most likely offend Catholic priests. Enjoy! Oh and a shout-out to the anonymous reviewer kitten for all your kind reviews and pushing it over 100 (It's far off from 9000 but whatever, I'm happy!) 

* * *

Previously on Alucard vs. Life...

Alucard and Seras had a big fight (Quite an understatement, but you get the point). They had a 'trial separation' but have since reunited after both parties engrossed themselves in fantastic orgies of violence! But now as they have re-united, an army of PETA pansies have surrounded them!

Meanwhile, in a plane somewhere in the sky, Alexander Anderson and Maxwell are headed to London. Their task: to slay Alucard, the monstrous vampire king once and for all!

Blood shall be spilled! Chaos shall reign supreme! It's gonna be fun!

* * *

ONE DAY AGO

Anderson sat across from his companion on-board their flight. For some reason they were taking a detour. Maxwell flicked a bony, gloved hand through his long silver hair and played with his pony-tail like a young girl. His gaze was fixed upon the clouds beneath them, unaware that the priest was staring at him.

"Maxwell?" he asked in a thick Scottish accent. The man in question suddenly turned to the priest and smiled. "Where are we going? The beast is dwelling in London."

"Oh, that..." Maxwell's Italian accent was rather thick itself. He sounded like a villain from an old movie with a deep rasping tone. "Well, you see we need soldiers if we are to go up against the mighty Alucard."

"You need no soldiers! I am more than enough to silence that wretched demon!"

"Of course, but Alucard is not alone you see. There is still that arrogant sow Integra Hellsing, as well as Alucard's little pet vampire. They will definitely interfere with our plans, so we shall establish a defensive force to prevent any unwanted guests." Maxwell's smile was unnerving. Sure it was a smile, but it was the smile of a killer.

"So then, where are these soldiers coming from then?"

"Father Anderson, there is only one place to recruit the most dedicated and honourable Christian soldiers! Men and women who will serve their almighty Lord in Heaven with all of their being."

"Would they not be from the Vatican?" Anderson asked.

"Heaven's no! The Vatican is a place of God. They do not understand the need for war to defend the name of Christ. No, these soldiers are willing to fight for their God and to sentence all others to eternal damnation in the fiery pits of Hell!"

"So where are we going to find these disciples of our Lord?"

"Where else?" Maxwell cried, his grin spreading so wide that it consumed the lower half of his face, "The American heartland of course! Texas!"

Anderson closed his eyes and chuckled. "I see. Alucard stands no chance then. But answer me this. Alucard has been on a rampage for some time, so why is it only now that we are choosing to strike?"

"That my friend is obvious." Maxwell murmured, his face ashen. He suddenly went quiet.

"Maxwell?"

"Alucard...That bastard! He...He...He has slaughtered God's children! And God's children are our children! Children we are free to fu-" He caught his tongue and sat down, wiping a thin trail of spittle from the corner of his mouth. "Fu-further educate in the name of...Um...Excuse me."

After a dreadfully long silence Anderson spoke up. "So he has been murdering even children now?"

"Yes! Our precious, innocent, naive, obedient, overly-trusting children." He was flexing his fingers while he said this, his eyes burning with frenzied excitement. "Children...Oh God yes, children!"

"Maxwell?" Anderson coughed into a closed fist.

"What?" The slightly creepy bishop snarled as his grand speech was interrupted.

"Are you a paed-" Anderson noted the fierce glare that was burning into him and he decided to withdraw his question. "Never mind..."

And so they spent the rest of the trip in silence, until they touched down in the over-cooked land of Texas.

* * *

PRESENT

Alucard and Seras both shared glances at one another as they studied their opponent. It seemed PETA had formed an army. Weedy looking hippies with grimy dreadlocks and bare feet gripped automatic rifles and pistols. Women with grimy cheeks carried bows and arrows as if they were wood elves or something and standard bearers marched alongside their fellow soldiers, brandishing the flag of their mighty empire, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.

"Ugh!" Alucard grunted, "Filthy hippies! I thought we killed you off years ago!"

"What?" Seras stared at him dumbfounded.

"Huh? Oh have I never told you about how Walter and I crashed Woodstock? It's a wonderful story!"

"Wonderful by your standards or normal standards?" Seras asked, knowing full well that what Alucard perceived as wonderful was usually nauseating and sickening, like his collection of shrunken baby heads or his photo albums.

Before Alucard could respond a bullet sailed past his left cheek and hit the wall behind him. The No-Life-King glared out at the see of unkempt faces but all of them seemed to be lost amidst confusion. None of them had fired the bullet...But then who did?

It was then that a mighty roar, like that of Satan himself erupted from the sky. The sun was blocked out in a man-made eclipse as a cloud of military helicopters hovered over them. Alucard stared at the insignia on the sides of the war machines and scowled.

"Iscariot!"

"What?"

"The baying hounds of the Vatican! Iscariot!"

Seras suddenly remembered a most dreadful encounter with one of their agents in the past. A terrifying priest named-

"ANDERSON!" Alucard roared firing up towards the clouds.

A lone figure leapt out of one of the choppers and he free fell down to land atop of a large bank building. Its roof crumbled under the impact and he promptly jumped down onto a lower platform of a small convenience store. The priest spread his coat wide apart and reached in to draw out two long, shining steel bayonets.

"ALUCARD!" The Priest bellowed.

Seras looked around herself in a daze. This couldn't get any worse. Iscariot and PETA. Hundreds, perhaps even thousands of armed warriors and all of them had their sights trained on her and her master!

* * *

The armies of allegedly peaceful organisations suddenly turned violent. PETA had a grudge against the Catholic Church, probably because they hate apes so much. The hippies trained their rifles on the Texas rangers (I say rangers, but really they were far from it) and the almighty thunderous roar of gunfire erupted from the battlefield.

The sky became lost in apocalyptic muzzle flashes as the Southerner soldiers opened return fire, hollering and barking like lunatics from a mental asylum as they poured molten lead down amongst their unwashed opponent.

Alucard laughed, laughed like the blood-crazed lunatic we all know and love. His chilling baritone echoed across the battlefield, drowning out the gunfire and the swarming choppers in the sky. The great vampire drew his pistols and howled, the beast within coming to the fore once again. His eye, like molten embers blazed bright red and his fanged smile protruded from his up-curled lips in a monstrous snarl.

"EXCELLENT! EXCELLENT! COME! LET US PAINT LONDON RED! LET US WASH THE STREETS IN BLOOD! LET THE CITY BURN UNDER THE FLAMES OF WRATH! KILL EVERYONE! KILL THEM ALL! HA HA HA HA HA!"

Alucard seemed happier than ever before. He was all sombre and brooding before, now he was once again a demon. A creature of the night. A killing machine. Seras sighed. She did not like his dark side. But she had come to accept it now...Alucard was a monster. But so was she...

"Come Police Girl! Let us bathe in their blood!" Alucard raced off screaming and laughing. The term all guns blazing would suffice at this point.

Seras watched him vanish behind a cloud of flying limbs, scraps of flesh, bone, blood, guts and god knows what else. He wasn't joking when he said 'bathe'...

_Master Alucard...You are a truly a monster...So why am I not running away right now? Why am I not screaming for help? Is it because...I am the same?_

A howling, shrieking Texan landed behind her, waving an AK47 around as if it were a baton in a parade. The lunatic then lined up a shot with the Police Girl's head. He squeezed the trigger and a bright flash of light blinded her, but even without her sight, she realised she could smell him. She could sense where he was. She ducked under the bullet and scuttle over to him on all fours like a lizard. As she reached him she reached out with lightning fast reflexes and caught his wrist. She dug her nails in until they scraped again bone with an oddly satisfying grinding sound. The Texan roared in agony and dropped his gun, but with his free hand he reached for a knife at his belt. Seras hauled herself up and bit into the flesh of his shoulder. It was tough and stringy, probably cooked too long in the hot desert sun. She did not want to eat, she merely wanted to kill, and so she yanked her head back, tearing a large strip of flesh from his torso. He tried to stumble back but Seras gripped him with a vice-like grip and dragged him in close again. Her eyes were glowing a vibrant scarlet and her lips were flecked in bright red blood. She no longer resembled the petite young woman she once was. Now she looked just like her master...

A monster!

She hissed at the Texan and dug her fangs into his throat, tearing it open and clamping her teeth around his oesophagus. She then pinched and tore, yanking the long slimy tube out of his neck and into the air. The man gargled and spluttered for a few seconds before his body gave way. Seras could sense death claiming him and let him drop like a bag of bricks. She stepped over the useless sack of flesh and waded into the violence, now hungrier than ever.

Alucard meanwhile, had an expression on his face like a child on Christmas. He picked up two Hippies and slammed their heads together, mashing their brains into pulp and shattering their skulls against each other. He then lunged past them and spear tackled a pregnant Texan woman who wielded a hunting rifle while smoking a cigar. She screamed like a banshee as Alucard plunged his hand through her gut and dragged out the unborn child and then proceeded to bludgeon her with its malformed corpse.

The disgusted cries of nearby hippies caught his attention and as he turned to face them he was faced with a rain of bullets which tore through him. He fell onto his back and snarled but the bastards did not give up. They continued to fire wildly into his centre mass, at least until they were tackled by a bloody angel.

The beautiful young woman used her bare fists like sledge-hammers to pound in their faces and kill them, showering her in the glorious aftermath of their demise. The gore-splattered angel looked up at her master and smiled wickedly. Her teeth were drenched in crimson, much like her lips, cheeks and uniform.

"Seras," Alucard chuckled as he pushed himself up off the ground, "You have never looked more beautiful than you do today."

The young Draculina giggled ever so sweetly and ran up to her master, nuzzling him like a kitten. The No-Life-King draped his coat around her and together they glanced up at their next opponent, a vicious looking priest whose body emanated a blazing aura of hatred. A priest who clutched his gleaming blades tighter than he would his cross of his bible. The Judas Priest, the immortal Paladin...Father Alexander Anderson!

The vile preacher grinned menacingly as he murmured, "A bloodied rose in an ashen field, her shining knight with sin as his shield, Together they kill and kill again, but so help me thy Lord, I shall kill them instead! Amen!"

* * *

Alucard vs Anderson, at last! Who will win? And will Seras claw her way back from the brink of insanity or be lost to her animalistic instincts and become nothing more than a blood-thirsty beast? Find out in the next chapter of Alucard vs Life!

And don't forget to review!


	24. Alexander Anderson

**Enemy 21: Alexander Anderson**

It's been a while. I hope you haven't fogotten about me or this twisted little tale. NaNoWriMo did not go as well as planned and I have decided to fall back and return to writing fanfiction. Besides, I've been holding off on this for too long. So enjoy! And remember to review!

* * *

The fighting seems to come to a stand-still, like a video on pause, or a shitty disc that keeps freezing right when it gets to the epic fight scene or that bit where the two chicks do each other. The air itself seemed to come to a standstill and each and every warrior on the field stood in silence.

The hollow breeze whistled softly, whipping Alucard's long black hair around like a cape. The crimson king stood tall amidst the piles of dismembered corpses. The foul stench of death and decay flared through his nostrils but to Alucard the scent was intoxicating. He let out a deep sigh and grinned.

"Alexander Anderson, the puppet of the Iscariot. We meet again!"

The paladin returned the sinister smile and wiped the blood from his bayonets onto his grey coat which was not flecked in red.

"Alucard, the Hellsing organisation's former lapdog. No, I should have the said the former _Hellsing organisation! _Ha ha ha!"

Alucard's smile faltered. An evident twist in his features, an involuntary twitch. He pushed Seras aside gently and clenched his fists. "Police Girl, step aside. This one is mine!"

Seras obliged with a slight bow, "Yes master."

With the two foes standing against each other the stage was finally set. The battle was truly about to begin.

"No more games!" Anderson roared.

"Of course, this shall be our final battle!" Alucard replied.

"Only one of us will leave here alive."

"And that shall be the victor."

"The prize for victory is your own life."

"The cost of defeat is your own life." The No-Life-King added.

"For the glory of God almighty and the Iscariot!"

"For Hellsing!"

"Let us meet death on the battlefield and conquer him with our bare hands!"

"To the death!" the great vampire roared.

"To the death!" Anderson cried as he raced off across the slippery sea of blood and guts. He moved with blinding speed, so fast only a blur of movement could be seen amidst the bloody haze. Anderson howled like a beast as he closed in on his opponent who also rushed to meet him.

Anderson ran full-tilt, his battle-cry mixing in with the bestial snarl of his foe to become an unholy chorus of hate. The two were almost within striking distance. Anderson stepped forward and...

His feet went out from under him. The Judas priest slipped on coagulating ocean of blood and landed square on his face. Even after he hit the ground he still kept on sliding right up to his opponent, right up until he head-butted Alucard's shins.

For a moment a tense silence hung over the entire battlefield.

And then...

Alucard's eyes seemed to glaze over, clouded by fluid. His lips quivered uncontrollably and his shoulders heaved as he struggled to contain his breath. His whole body shuddered in one final violent spasm and then...

He sobbed...

"M-M-My shins hurt!"

There were enough sweat-drops to fill a bathtub. Seras just stared in stunned awe. She had known Alucard a long time and this...This was just...Indescribable, Sure Alucard could act like a child sometimes but this was just...

Wow...

Even Anderson was surprised. He slowly sat up and stared at the weeping monster that towered over him. He looked around uncertainly, not quite sure if this was real or he was hallucinating from trauma to the head. He was kind of hoping it was the latter. If this was what the beast was really like then even he couldn't bring himself to kill it. This sight was just too pathetic to even put into words.

With an irate groan Alexander Anderson rose to his feet and dusted himself off, though dust was the least of his problems considering he had blood soaked through his coat and someone's intestinal tract wrapped around his leg like a garden hose.

The paladin made to leave but first he had to make sure. He staggered over to Alucard who was still bawling like a little girl and as a test he flicked him on the nose. Alucard seized up and Anderson just about shat himself, reaching for his bayonets and assuming a battle stance.

Alucard scowled.

Then sniffed.

Then he started screaming and crying again.

Anderson shook his head and cursed under his breath, angry that he wasted his time. He turned his back on them and made his way back to the chopper.

Meanwhile Seras ran to her master and held him close, whispering soothing words in his ears like a mother would. She realised then that despite the monstrous side there were many faces to the great vampire king. There were sides to him she had grown accustomed to. Sides of him that were not so frightening, not so evil after all.

So what if he was a man-slaying, child-eating, warmongering, psychopath? So what if he collected shrunken infantile heads and ate the neighbourhood pets and religious door-knockers? So what if he killed hundreds upon thousands of people and drank their blood as if it were a fine wine? So what if he a deranged sociopathic monster? None of that mattered to her anymore. She knew Alucard could also be kind, he could be generous. Sure it wasn't often and most of the time his good intentions led to more bloodshed but he had a kind heart...Well, maybe not literally...But he had a kind soul...Well actually...

The point is Seras adored her master. She could overlook his innumerable faults, just like Integra had. She understood now why Integra meant so much to him. Integra nurtured Alucard's dark side. She knew what he did was evil but she would always smile and pat him on the head for a job done well. She would always have Steak cakes waiting for her little blood-thirsty killer after a mission.

She accepted Alucard...

Seras let out a heavy sigh and gazed longingly at her fiendish friend. He was still weeping like a child. She couldn't stand seeing him like this. She couldn't stand seeing her master upset. And so she hugged him close and whispered ever so softly in his ear.

"Master, you are the No-Life King. You are a terrible monster! You are a demon from the darkest pits of Hell! You are a vampire! And I shall serve you for eternity. Bathe yourself in blood Master and together we will dine on their wretched souls! Who knows, I might even make you steak cakes?"

Alucard's sobbing ceased. His eyes shot open, blazing like minute suns and his lips curled so far back that even his gums were protruding from his gaping jaws. His hair collapsed across his face, hiding his expression of bestial fury but the blackened aura that surrounded him was evidence enough.

Anderson sensed the sudden power emanating from the vampire lord and he whirled on his feet just tin time to see shadows erupt outwards from the demonic servant of Hellsing. Tendrils of darkness shot out, impaling each and every filthy hippy and gun-toting red-neck across the entire battlefield. The collective cacophony of flesh tearing and bodies breaking rose sharply into a sickening orgy of blood.

Blood, viscera and gibbets of flesh rained down upon London. The world became drowned in the churned up bodies, their corpses mulched into mince-meat and spewed all over the town. Alucard spread his arms wide and unleashed a great earth-shattering roar, the ground beneath him splintering and cracking. The grass beneath him died and turned black. The soil turned poisonous and the bugs burrowed out to reach fresh air, only to die in the stale breeze and rot. Birds dropped down from the sky, their corpses eroding from the suffocating black clouds that choked the sky.

Hell had been unleashed.

Seras could feel her body trembling, but still she found herself smiling. Her eyes lit up like candles at the glorious sight of destruction. London had turned into a macabre work of art, an unimaginable scene of carnage.

Scarlet snow-flakes spat down upon the earth and Seras stuck out her tongue, catching them on her tongue. Waves of sheer ecstasy ran through her and she shuddered, moaning uncontrollably as the delightful elixir cascaded down her throat.

Meanwhile, Anderson bared his fangs (well bayonets really) and charged. He roared louder than he had ever done before but it was still drowned out by the rumbling of the earth and the violent, booming laughter of the demonic vampiric tyrant known as Alucard.

"ALUCARD!"

"ANDERSON!"

The paladin collided with the great nosferatu and thunder and lightning cracked in the sky. The ground split apart and distorted itself under the immense stress. Buildings collapsed and fell through the cracks and were swallowed up by the earth while others merely toppled over onto fleeing citizens, crushing the town beneath itself.

Alucard, with wings of blood and fire stood tall, his elegant black hair swaying behind him in the wind. His hands painted red rose up to the heavens and eyes alight like infernos within his corrupted mind gazed skywards. His fanged jaws parted and blood gushed out.

Anderson stiffened and gazed down at his hands. They were shaking. His breaths were coming in ragged gasps and his entire body became seized by unimaginable pain. He let out a faint squeal as millions of cuts and lacerations suddenly bled at once and then in one last fit of pain he let loose a spine-chilling scream. Blood erupted outwards in a gory fountain and the Judas Priest collapsed, defeated.

The triumphant vampire howled with vicious glee, his laughter reaching across the entire city.

"I am Alucard! I am a monster! I am a vampire! And I am having steak cakes!"


	25. Final Enemy Part I

**Final Enemy - Part I**

London was ablaze. The sky bled blood red and the towns were buried beneath rubble and raging flames which, like hungry serpents coiled around the decimated structures and devoured everything within sight.

Seras stared at the onslaught, her eyes wide. She may have encouraged Alucard but this was insanity! Her master had done more than just slay their enemies; he had slain just about every soul within a ten kilometre radius. The entire city was in ruins and those who had not yet fallen would soon join the innumerable dead in this accursed place. Alucard had unleashed Hell upon the city.

The triumphant demon sat perched atop a crumpled bus shelter, his long legs hanging over the side and his head tilted skyward. He was smiling that sinister yet seductive smile he always wore when something had just died. A deep brooding sigh escaped him and the beast turned to his companion, his gaze burning into her.

"Police Girl..." His voice took on that same baritone that made everything he said like a menacing lullaby, delightful and disastrous all the same.

Seras glanced over to him and their eyes met. She felt compelled to keep her eyes on him, afraid to look away, unable to look away.

"Police Girl...I did well, didn't I?" he asked ever so softly.

She wasn't sure whether to laugh or not. Was he serious? Did he really not know? Well he did act like a child; there was enough evidence in the past few months to prove that. Alucard may look and sound like an adult but in essence he was still but a child, sheltered from the real world for so long that he knew nothing of the present.

But he had done well so far. Maybe there had been a few too many casualties throughout his experiences in the outside world, but she couldn't help but feel proud of her Master. That little display of uncertainty...That indecisive inquiry just then...

It was proof he had learned. Proof that he understood the line between right and wrong...And that was the most important thing of all.

Seras approached her master who was still awaiting her response. She climbed up on top of the bus shelter and sat down beside him, placing a pale little hand on his shoulder.

"Yes, Master Alucard...You did well."

Together they watched the blaze as it settled down into the night. Silence consumed the once bustling city and for once there was nothing but the sigh of the wind through the dilapidated streets. There were no loud honking horns and rumbling engines. There were no arguing cockney cocks on the footpaths, no annoying children, no blaring music, not even the barking of dogs. Birds did not chirp in the trees, now reduced to charred timber skeletons.

All over London, there was nothing...

* * *

That night Seras stood in the kitchen, wrestling with a frying pan in her attempt to make steak cakes for her master. Sure it sounded simple but steak cakes are hard to make. They bleed a lot as well so Seras had to wear a butcher's apron as she prepared the No-Life-King's favourite meal. When she finally had the contents in a pan she left them to cook while she went off to go get changed out of her bloodied clothes. She had not changed out of her clothes yet and so she was still drenched from head to toe in crusted blood and chunks of dried up guts. It reminded her of beef jerky but she decided not to take a taste test. She may have drunk blood but she wasn't yet up to the level of digging her face in a corpses entrails and swallowing intestines whole as if they were sausage links.

_It's better to leave that to the expert..._

The young Police Girl made her way up-stairs and unbuttoned her uniform top (She has a limited wardrobe.) The blood had soaked through into her skin and the filthy top peeled away from her pale shoulders and slid down her slender body to the floor leaving pink trails down her chest. Even her bra was splattered in blood.

Seras groaned and ran a hand through her hair, catching bits of flesh under her nails and between her fingers. She closed her eyes and wandered across the hall to the bathroom. The shower sputtered for a moment before a steady stream flowed out. Meanwhile Seras tore free of her gore-encrusted clothes and stepped under the stream. The scalding hot water forced a low moan out her and she closed her eyes as she drowned herself in the burning spray.

The purifying liquid coursed down her ample curves all the while Seras rubbed soap across the coagulated blood all over her body. She couldn't help but blush as she scrubbed certain areas on herself clean (And I bet you couldn't either!)

Meanwhile, downstairs away from the sudden and unneccessary fan-service, Alucard sat at the dinner table a knife in one hand and a fork in the other. He even wore a little napkin with a cartoony vampire on it. He hadn't moved from the spot since he got home and chances were he would not move until he got his fix. (Yes steak cakes are _that _good!)

In fact Alucard was so affixed by the entrancing and hypnotic powers of his favourite meal that he didn't even acknowledge the pitiful squeal of the doorbell, nor the thunderous pounding of fists against the front door after the former failed to elicit a reaction. He even ignored the shouting that followed and then accompanied the knocking.

"Alucard! Alucard open the damn door! I know you're there I can see you through the window!" Hey! Alucard!"

This went on for a few minutes until Seras came bounding down the stairs with nothing but a towel around her and honestly it didn't hide much. She practically ran into the door and as she bounced back off of it somehow grabbed the handle and twisted it so that it would open as she was flung backwards into the living room. (Remember kids: Momentum is a powerful thing.)

The visitor grumbled an indecipherable curse under her breath as she stepped inside and wandered over to the couch. She sat down and lit up a cigar before she even said 'hello' (For the record she didn't say hello at all...How rude!)

"Miss Victoria, please put some clothes on. I've seen enough corpses today and honestly the last thing I need to see is your axe-wound."

Seras sat up straight and cocked her head, "Axe-wound? When did I get hit with a-"

A pin dropped.

Seras' face went bright red and steam billowed out of her ears. She let out a girly squeal and ran back up-stairs, sobbing and screaming.

Integra waited for Alucard to join her but he still had not moved from his spot at the dinner table, in fact he hadn't even blinked or breathed or...Was he dead?

…

Oh yeah, he's a vampire...I feel stupid now...

Anyway Integra approached him and smiled weakly. "You've caused quite a scene haven't you Alucard? You've brought London back to the dark ages now. They are still trying to count the casualties."

"Sir Integra...I did well, didn't I?" he asked again in that indecisive tone.

Integra just stared at him, the cigar in her mouth dropping to the floor with a serpentine hiss. When she felt the still burning cigar eroding her shoe she snapped out of the trance and stomped it out. She rolled her eyes and resettled her gaze upon the demonic vampire warlord.

"Alucard...I don't know how to say this but..." She trailed off, trying to find the right words. Alucard's expression grew ashen, grave. Disappointment dug its claws in as Integra finished her sentence, "You have saved us!"

For a moment there was silence.

"What?"

Integra ruffled her vampire pet's hair and smiled, "Thanks to your stunt the government has decided to reinstate the Hellsing Organisation!"

"Really?" Seras appeared again dressed in her uniform (I told you she had a limited wardrobe!)

"Indeed." Integra produced a new cigar and took a long drag on it before explaining further. "Alucard's attack on London proved the vampire threat was real and that protective measures should have been in place to prevent the disaster. As the only known people able to control Alucard we have been hired to once again employ these protective measures."

"But what of the 'unlawful acts' the Queen was concerned about?" Seras asked.

Integra chuckled to herself and grinned, "Miss Victoria, the Queen is dead! Who gives a flying fuck what she said!"

Seras was taken aback by Integra's sudden mood swing but there was a sense of relief as well, for it seemed all of the terrible incomprehensible actions Alucard had committed were all just stepping stones on the way to reuniting the Hellsing Organisation.

"So, Alucard, Miss Victoria. I will be blunt. I came here to ask you this: Will you join me once again in our glorious fight against the undead creatures that stalk the night?"

Alucard looked like a little boy on Christmas morning. His eyes were glistening like shining stars and he was clapping excitedly as not only was the Hellsing family contract laid down before him, but also a plate of fresh steak cakes.

Alucard spread his hands out and gazed up at the sky (Well technically the roof, but whatever just shut up and read!) and roared,

"I'm winning!"

Alucard and Seras both signed their new contracts in blood and Integra made to leave, but Alucard stopped her. "Sir Integra, I would be most honoured to return to your service, but before I do I must conquer one last foe. I ask you, before the chains of servitude are laid down upon me, grant me my final wish and allow me to defeat this enemy!"

Integra shifted her spectacles on her face and sighed, "Well Alucard, I am now indebted to you as much as you are to me and my family. I would be glad to grant you your wish. I shall allow you to destroy your last opponent before I tame the beast. Good luck Alucard."

And with that, Integra made her leave.

Alucard enjoyed his steak cakes, stocking up on energy for his final glorious battle. A battle with a foe unlike any other, a grand bloodbath to rival even the decimation of London. This would be his final taste of innocent blood and he would savour it, relish in it, enjoy it to the last second.

Alucard packed his trusted Jackal inside his coat and made to leave, hesitating as he reached the door. He hovered on his feet for a moment and called out over his shoulder, "Police Girl."

"Yes Master?"

"Thank you, the steak cakes were delicious."

Seras smiled and waved goodbye, "Good luck Alucard."

The No-Life-King's shoulders heaved and the great vampire chuckled, his trademark sadistic, maniacal chuckle. That deep laughter that rose in volume until it was like the booming voice of Satan himself. Alucard disappeared in a cloud of bats and crows and ravens and even after he left his evil laughter still echoed across the ruins of London.

* * *

You have waited long enough! The final battle, the final enemy on Alucard's list! Are you salivating too? I hope not, or you might have rabies, but anyway please review. Give me that extra kick to make this story an unforgettable bloodbath! Prepare yourself for the final battle!


	26. Final Enemy Part II

**Final Enemy - Part II**

Bats and ravens soared over Japan, blotting out the sun and casting an eclipse of eternal darkness over the entire land. All over the islands of Japan eyes were sent skyward to see the immense shadow spreading over them. A suffocating blanket of black feathers and course fur and leathery wings settled over the area and news stations around the world broadcast it, spreading the fear like a rampant plague throughout all of man-kind.

News of Alucard's exploits in London had already spread worldwide and now a second attack so soon afterward had caused a shock-wave the likes of which had never before been seen. Global panic kicked in and it seemed every single person on the entire planet was staring at the terrifying sight.

The cloud seemed to settle over one specific area of Japan. Nestled within the Saitama prefecture a quiet little town named Kasukabe remained swallowed up by the beastly horde in the sky. For some time the cloud just remained there, hovering over the town like an omen of damnation.

Then suddenly, without warning, they descended.

All the bats, all the ravens, all the crows, all the vultures, all the flies, everything dived in for the kill, the epicentre being at the Ryo Gakuen High School. The winged beasts all seemed to melt into one another forming a hideous black mass outside the school's gates. The shadows merged into one ghastly form, the almighty vampire king, Alucard.

The great demon flicked his long flowing hair from his eyes and strolled forward into the school. He passed through the empty halls with a smile.

_I've found you now. I know where you are. There is nowhere to run, nowhere to escape. This is the end!_

Alucard found the desired classroom and clenched his fists, the knuckles cracking quite loudly in the process. A small sign above the door displayed in neat block letters '3-B'.

"It is time!" Alucard snarled as he grasped the door handle. He was practically dripping with excitement, salivating like a hungry dog. While he twisted the handle, he announced to those trapped inside, "I have longed to kill you..."

The door was thrown inwards and the great No-Life-King burst through the open doorway, his Jackal swinging wildly in search of the target.

Alucard's gaze settled upon a small girl, much smaller than the others in the room. Dark blue hair flowed in long graceful waves down around her and great big, emerald green puppy eyes stared back at him. A tiny line of a mouth curved up into a slight smile and with a straight face the girl waved and greeted him.

"Hi Alucard."

…

Yeah I'm stunned as well...

Alucard almost jumped out of his skin. He stared at the little girl and frowned, "H-How do you know my name?"

"Of course I know you. I watched Hellsing."

"What? Who are you? How do you know me?" Alucard was getting quite agitated. What did she mean by 'watched Hellsing'? Was she a spy? Had she been watching them all this time without him ever knowing?

The girl smiled and reached under her desk, pulling out a little magazine with a picture of himself on the front cover. Alucard's eyes widened behind his tinted glasses and he grit his teeth. He had been discovered.

"Look, look, it's you Alucard! They made an anime about you!" she declared proudly.

"What's an anime?" Alucard asked innocently.

"It's a form of Japanese animation."

"So its a cartoon?" Alucard suggested.

"NO!"

Alucard growled like a dog when somone reaches for his bone. The girl completely ignored the threatening gesture and opened up the magazine to the article aboout him and the Hellsing organisation. Sure enough there were pictured of him and Seras and Integra and of ghouls and vampires and deaht and destruction. SHe was right, there was a show about him. There were magazine articles about him. His face was plastered all over the news...

Alucard stepped back, stunned. "I'm...I'm famous?"

"Yeah!" the young girl nodded with overflowing enthusiasm, "You would be the most famous vampire of them all if it wasn't for 'him'!"" She said this last word with a disgusted look on her face.

Alucard snarled, his curled lips upturned to reveal his fangs. "I know of whom you speak of. He will be my final victim!"

"Then what are you doing here? Are you lost?" the girl asked.

It was then that Alucard pressed the barrel of his oversized pistol against her forehead and a wicked smile splayed across his features.

"I was ordered to kill you, Konata Izumi!"

Everyone screamed and most students ran or hid under their desks. Konata remained frozen in place, her big green puppy eyes glimmering with fresh tears.

"Ah, ah, ah, ah..." she appeared to be trying to speak, but words had failed her. A real life anime character had just shown up at her school, a dream come true and yet now he was going to kill her!

"Prepare to die!"

Konata just stared at him with the eyes of a lonely fawn about to be hunted. Her lips trembled and tears slid down her pale cheeks.

"No...I'll miss out on so much anime..."

Alucard pressed down tighter on the trigger. He pressed down further and further and-

He stopped...

Silence.

"I...I can't do it! It's just...Just...She's so cute!"

Alucard fought back tears and vanished without anyone else noticing and went off to hunt down his true enemy. The stain on the vampire's name. The sparkling creature that defecated on the vampire legend and marketed them to tween girls who know nothing of the true nature of the blood-sucking, flesh-eating, walkers of the night. Yes, the true enemy...

Edward Cullen!

But first...

* * *

While on his way out of Japan, Alucard passed a large courtyard where an irritating song was playing. It was a nauseating ear-worm that despite being made in Sweden was astoundingly more popular in Japan. It made him want to kill something, or many things for that matter...

But then he saw them dance.

They stood straight, hands flapping by the sides of their heads as if they were cat ears. They swayed their hips from side to side and laughed and smiled as they did so endlessly. More of them joined in. Then more. There was just about every character in anime history standing in the square and doing the dance. There were even members of Hellsing! Even Seras!

Even him!

Alucard realised he was outnumbered, outmatched. There was no way he could fight them all so he decided to count his losses and retreat. He may not be able to defeat this enemy, but Edward would be fair game.

Alucard was thirsting for blood, so away he went to the United States of America where the final bloodbath would occur.

* * *

Ha ha! There were requests for Lucky Star and Carameldanssen and I just had to put them into the story so there you have it. I love Lucky Star too much to cause such a massacre and Carameldansses is just invincible even though it is really quite annoying, even Alucard cannot defeat that. But don't worry the next and final chapter will be a fantastic, glorious, gory descent into madness as Alucard completely and utterly destroys Twilight and it's accursed figurehead Edward. 

Don't miss it!

And don't forget to review, help me make Edward truly suffer!


	27. Final Enemy Part III

_**The Final Enemy – Part III**_

It was sunny in California that day, with a chance of rain...Bloody rain that is! After checking numerous times to make sure he was in the right place Alucard decided to stake out the situation before making his move. He perched himself high up on a three-story banking complex and scanned the street below.

He could see him everywhere, yet the target was not there. Posters and advertisements and billboards all plastered with that same pale, hideous creature with women's lipstick. It made Alucard so furious he couldn't resist firing a bullet straight through one of the store-front posters, causing unimaginable chaos down below.

"Let the ants scuttle about," the No-Life-King snarled, "nothing shall get in my way...Not now!"

This was his final chance, his final taste of murder before he would be drafted into the Hellsing Organisation once again and left to the beck and call of his human masters. This was his last moments of freedom and he would make it count. He would destroy the one vampire that the Organisation would not allow him to kill.

Edward Cullen.

There would never be an order to kill him; the pitiful creature was as harmless as a fly, a vampire with blunt little fangs incapable of penetrating a stick of butter let alone a human's flesh. In a fight with a kitten, the kitten would win, such was the inexcusable weakness of this so called 'vampire'. This Edward Cullen was a complete abomination, a desecration of the legend Alucard had worked centuries to preserve.

Vampires are hate-filled, violent, blood-thirsty demons. There is no right and wrong for them, merely hunger. They are not driven by love, merely hatred for an inferior species that tastes divine. Vampires show no remorse, no pity, no mercy. The do not shy away from conflict, the welcome it, in fact most vampires incite it! They butcher their victims, killing them in the most gruesome manner. They drain their victims of every last drop of blood whether it be through two little tiny holes in the neck, of the gushing stump that _used _to be a neck.

Vampires are evil. The only way to tame a vampire is to kill it, a task the Hellsing family managed to do centuries ago. And even when you have the beast restrained on a leash his blackened heart remains and nothing will stop him from killing for there is no reward to outshine the delectable ecstasy of fresh human blood.

Vampires strike terror into the hearts of mortals young and old. They have been the source of nightmares for centuries since their first-known existence. Ever since they have terrorised and preyed upon them.

Vampires are one with the darkness, children of the night. Born from a Hell so dark that shadows are their kin. So, naturally...

VAMPIRES DON'T SPARKLE!

And yet there it was. There it was, walking through the crowds, reflecting the light like a shiny piece of steel yet being weaker than paper. It was Edward! He had finally arrived on Alucard's most sacred hunting ground.

"No guards? Oh you fool. I guess those paparazzi will have to serve as my warm-up today!" Alucard chuckled his divine chuckle and swept down from the rooftop, vanishing behind the light of day.

The buzzing swarms of cameramen hounded the pathetic sparkling creature, only accentuating the sickening glow of his pale flesh with the flashes form their devices. Alucard struck out from nowhere, catching them off guard.

One man disappeared in a cloud of crimson splatter. Then another. Then another.

The fools were so consumed in their task of snapping unappetising shots of a useless celebrity simply walking down the street that they didn't even notice their disappearing co-workers, nor the gore slowly soaking through their clothes and skin.

Edward was too absorbed in his own sense of superiority that he didn't witness the slaughter either. He was too preoccupied with hearing his inner voice deal out shallow compliments that he did not pick up on the lack of shuttering cameras, nor the sudden increase in screams from the surrounding public.

Furious that his glorious work had gone unnoticed, Alucard snatched his opponent up by the throat and hurled him into a nearby store-front. Glass exploded and rained down in razor sharp shards all over the measly excuse for a vampire. The fool glanced up just in time to receive a fierce frontal kick from the mighty Alucard, whose boot crunched and grated against the cartilage in his nose and sent it worming its way inside his skull until it poked his brain.

Edward sprawled over the floor in a pool of his own blood. He reached out to touch his face but it came back awash with blood and convulsing uncontrollably. He shrieked in an impossibly high note that brought a cruel smile to Alucard's face. The larger ghoul drew his arm back and dealt a thunderous back-hand slap to his inferior opponent.

The sparkling boy was launched again, this time into a row of shelves which collapsed around him. Alucard slowly stalked his prey in the now abandoned store and snarled with devilish glee.

"You are a disgrace to our kind." Alucard explained in a deceptive baritone that sounded like a sinister lullaby. "To think you even walk amongst us is but a stain up our pride as children of the night! Your existence is a plague that forever reminds us of the folly of mankind! They created you! You are not a real vampire!"

"Of...Of course I'm a real vampire...I...I have the f-fangs to p-prove it!"

With this, Alucard was amused. He kneeled down and grasped the boy's chin, then with a fierce wrench of his hand he dislocated Edward's jaw, causing a feverish cry of pure agony to escape his prey. Alucard ignored his unintelligible pleas and dug through Edward's broken jaws until he found the two tiny little incisors that served as his fangs. With a vicious smirk Alucard reached inside his mouth and yanked them out with his mere fingers.

Blood trickled down Edward's gaping jaws and dribbled down over his chest.

Alucard dangled the now useless fangs in front of his foe. "These? Are these your fangs?" He laughed his maniacal yet somewhat orgasmic laugh and then he grinned, baring his monstrous fangs, like butcher knives embedded in his gums. "These fangs are not even fit for a damned puppy! They are but baby teeth! They cannot harm a mortal man!"

"I-I don't-" Edward slurred, only to be interrupted as Alucard grabbed him by the throat and strangled him.

"Oh that's right. I forgot, you don't hurt people! You're a fucking vegetarian! I bet you cry when you suck the measly drops of blood from a dead field mouse! You probably even have a salad with it! You make me sick!"

Alucard slammed the back of Edward's head through the floor causing his eyes to roll about in his skull like googly eyes on a doll. When they finally stopped Edward gazed up dazedly at his executioner, a pleading look which frankly sickened the No-Life-King.

"Bah, you are no vampire. The only thing which you have to fool those stupid humans are these pissy little fangs! I guess I should give them back!"

Alucard drove the two baby fangs into Edward's eyes. They did not penetrate far, but a thick viscous fluid oozed out from the ruined organs and stained Alucard's gloves. The vampire king glared distastefully at his ruined gloves.

"These are expensive gloves you know. I will have to punish you for ruining this pair."

Edward was not listening. He was bawling like a child who had fallen off the swings at the park.

Alucard just snickered, "Does it hurt? My how worthless you are. Those were not even real fangs. I'll show you what real fangs can do!" Alucard drew his head back, flicking his long elegant black hair out behind him. His jaws parted like those of a shark and then with a demonic growl Alucard buried his fangs into his victim's neck. With one swift movement Alucard pulled back, tearing Edward's head free from his trembling shoulders, only attached by a grisly scrap of skin. Alucard flicked his head back further and tore the head off completely. Edward's expression was one of unimaginable horror.

Alucard spat the head out on the ground and rose gracefully to his feet. He studied the carnage around him and sighed, a deep contented sigh.

"With this I am no longer free; however I can tell Lady Integra will have some glorious battles planned ahead for me! And with the Police Girl by my side I'm sure to have plenty of enjoyment" He licked his lips then but he didn't really understand why.

The most powerful vampire of all retreated to a cliff-face overlooking the sea. Once there, he spread his arms out wide and declared to the heavens:

_**Blood... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...Pain **_

_**Arteries ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...Veins**_

_**The glorious bloodbath shall never end! **_

_**Terror shall reign over this darkened land. **_

_**The crows will have their feast on the dead, **_

_**The worms gorged and quite well-fed! **_

_**Humanity shall drown in a blood red sea, **_

_**Extermination from the shadows that breathe!**_

_**So go now mortals, **_

_**Fear and regret,**_

_**I am Alucard,**_

_**I am **_

_**DEATH!**_

...

_**And I love Steak Cakes!**_

Life is a powerful foe, one we all face each and every day. We make our way through it, struggling along bravely, but only one being has ever challenged life and won. That being's name was Alucard.

That's right. Alucard conquered the greatest opponent of all.

Alucard conquered life!

_**Alucard vs Life**_

_**The End**_

* * *

__I hope you enjoyed the story, thank you ever so much for reading. Thank you to everyone who reviewed, your ideas were a great help and all your encouragement is what helped make this story as good as it is. I cannot thank you enough (So forgive me if it sounds repetitive) but it is you the readers that make me want to write. It is your enjoyment that makes me feel accomplished in the end of the day and so, I know I'm repeating myself here but thank you so much. 

Please review, your thoughts are important whether they are good or bad. Did you enjoy the story? Also, what did you think of Alucard's pentagram poem? Whatever it it, just spit it out and tell me because I'm dying to know!

Hopefully you'll be back on-board for whatever projects I have in the future. 


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